- Chevy Chase: I was so... moved... and honored... uh... when they asked me to host this season's, uh... very first show. I don't know what to say, I'm almost in tears! But I was, uh, somewhat surprised to find, uh, that the show is still, uh... well... still done live from New York City. I'm happy. It's my town, and it's my people. And we're still giving great comedy from the Big Apple, great comedy right from the Big Apple out to the little fruits there in Hollywood. Huh!
- Saturday Night News Anchor: Thank you. I've only been on for 20 seconds. I hope I can live up to your confidence, America.
- Gene Siskel: Well, in another movie, "Seems Like Old Times", I know that the best scene there was played by Chevy's hand. He was hiding under the bed when Goldie Hawn stepped on her hand with her high heeled shoes. Uh.. the hand played the scene, though, like Marlon Brando. it was really one of the great acting hand jobs of all time.
- Art Critic: Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Mr. Green! Have you ever considered studying in Paris or, say, one of the other major art capitals of the world?
- Tyrone Green: No, I hate Puerto Ricans.
- Roger Ebert: That sound of the dog barking reminds us that it's time for our "Dog of the Week" segment.
- Gene Siskel: Well, uh, Roger, I think we're both going to agree on this one. That the dog in this show, obviously, is, that's right, Chevy Chase.
- Gene Siskel: I think that's, uh, pretty obvious.