- Billy Callahan: I'm supposed to be in Florence by midnight.
- Turk: How the hell are you going to do that?
- Billy Callahan: Her apartment is two blocks away. Should be no problem at all.
- Billy Callahan: Lads, you'll sleep enough when you're dead and buried. You have to get out on the streets. You have to talk to a stranger. Drink a beer for breakfast. Take the ugliest girl home from the party.
- J.D.: Done it! Done that... that one I've done.
- Billy Callahan: How you doing?
- Jerry: Not great, actually. I'm dead.
- Billy Callahan: Bummer. How long?
- Jerry: Four years next month.
- Billy Callahan: Geez, that's a nightmare. I was dead once, for about ten minutes. Then me mate Danny peed on me head.
- Jerry: Really?
- Billy Callahan: It's quite a sight to wake up to.
- J.D.: Hey that is a cool tattoo, my brother!
- Billy Callahan: Oh yeah! Got this snuck on a plane, thought I was going to Belgium ended up in Kenya. Long story short, I hung out with this tribe, where the males go through adolescance, they get this tattoo. It means "Alias".
- J.D.: Oh, why Alias?
- Billy Callahan: It's their favorite show.
- J.D., Turk: Ohhhhh.
- Billy Callahan: I'm only kidding, I don't know what it means.
- Dr. Perry Cox: What... what did you do around the apartment while I was gone?
- Jordan Sullivan: Oh! I turned your little office into my pajama closet, I threw out everything in the refrigerator that had the word "jerky" or "whiz" on it, I got rid of all your clothes that make you look like you're 20 years old. Don't worry, I saved your hockey jerseys, although I did move them into my new pajama closet. And for some reason none of the remotes work anymore. And why are you limping?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Fishing. I'm limping from fishing.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: I know that limp!
- Dr. Perry Cox: No, Bob... Bob, no...
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You just got a vasectomy! I had mine done back in '68; ironically that was the same year that Enid discovered pasta and I discovered I'm not attracted to enormous women.
- Dr. Perry Cox: I didn't just get a vasectomy...
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Come on, soldier... if I have to force you to drop your pants, I will.
- Turk: Come on, Billy, just say it.
- Billy Callahan: For the last time, lads... no.
- J.D.: Oh well, perhaps you're not really Irish...
- Billy Callahan: Fine! Pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, green clovers.
- J.D.: See? I told ya! Yeah, he's Irish.
- Turk: Yeah, he is. Yeah, he is.
- J.D.: [thinking] As Turk and I recuperated from our big chair swap, I wondered what other couples were doing tonight. Did I just refer to Turk and I as a couple? My point is, I'm sure other couples were out having fun
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Carla, I'm so bummed. I can't go see the Chamber Orchestra tonight, I totally forgot I have my Cantonese class. And I would totally call and cancel but the only thing I know how to say is "I'm allergic to peanuts."
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, Elliot, I was really looking forward to this.
- The Janitor: Really? About five seconds ago you were all giddy about going home and taking a bath tonight.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why would you do that to me?
- The Janitor: New thing. I'm busting chops.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [laughs defensively]
- Dr. Elliot Reid: So, you just forgot we even had plans?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: What's the big deal? You were flaking on them anyway.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: I wasn't. I have my Cantonese class.
- The Janitor: But do you? Do you really?
- [Elliot makes a "What are you doing" face - Janitor shrugs]
- The Janitor: Busting chops.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Fine! Well at least I remembered the plans well enough to flake on them!
- [storms off down a corridor]
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: [shouting after her] Oh yeah? Well if I knew you were gonna flake on them, I would never have made plans to forget in the first place, because you...
- Dr. Perry Cox: [has just walked in from the corridor Elliot left down] She's gone, Carla. It's over.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Where the hell have you been for the last few days?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Deep sea fishing.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You hate fishing.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Went with my buddies.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: You don't have any buddies.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh yeah? Well we landed a 200 pound white marlin off the coast of San Diego.
- The Janitor: Interesting, because that's about 3,000 miles from the natural habitat of the white marlin. Hmm, well perhaps it hopped a train from Cape Cod!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Why?
- The Janitor: I'm busting chops today. You can ask anybody.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: It's true.
- The Janitor: See?
- Turk: Heard you guys were fighting.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: We made up.
- The Janitor: No they didn't. Chop-busting.
- [dusts Turk's shoulder with a feather duster]
- The Janitor: And Doc-dusting.
- Turk: Well Elliot, you don't look too banged up about it. You got your arm around Carla.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: My hand is stuck in this rats nest she calls hair.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, believe me when I say I'm proud to welcome you to what I like to call the "Seedless Grapes Club."
- Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan, let me talk for a second. I've been trained for many years to take any emotion I feel, push it down, and then let it out by drinking way too much and by yelling at the football players on my TV screen. And I... I really thought I hit the jackpot when I finally met a woman who was as disturbed and closed-off as I am.
- Jordan Sullivan: [Touched] Thank you.
- Dr. Perry Cox: You're welcome. Still, now I want more. I--I really do. I want to talk about things. Not--not everything. Not everything. I definitely, definitely don't want to talk about everything. For instance I don't need to know when you beat up a woman in the park because her purse is the same color as yours; but things that matter, things that are important to us as a--as a family. And I know... I know that there are guys who bring flowers and that there are guys who write love songs. But, Jordan, I'm a guy sitting in front of you here with a twice operated-on penis that says "I want to be a couple that communicates more openly."
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Dr. Mickhead was wondering if you would cover his patient in 310? The guy was in some bar fight and has been unconscious since he got here. He was brought in by some brother from Ireland.
- Turk: Do you mean an Irish brother or an Irish... bruthah?
- Jerry: [a patient stands next to J.D. while ominous music plays] I always thought that when I died I'd see a bright light or float above the ground. Turns out death is pretty mundane. I guess sometimes the end... is just the end.
- J.D.: [J.D. rolls his eyes and the music stops] For the last time, Jerry, you're not dead! Okay? Now go back to your room!