Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Big Salad (1994)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

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Quotes 

• Jerry Seinfeld : Newman. She went out with Newman.

  Elaine Benes : It must be a mistake.

  Jerry Seinfeld : No, it isn't. And the most distressing part about it is not that she went out with him, but that *he* stopped seeing *her*. Do you understand? He, Newman - Newman stopped seeing her. Newman never stopped seeing anybody. Newman will see whoever is willing to see him. The question then is not so much *why* did she see him - as disturbing as that is - but why did he, Newman, stop seeing her?

  Elaine Benes : Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.

  Jerry Seinfeld : No, there's less.

  Elaine Benes : It's possible.

  Jerry Seinfeld : No. it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.

  Elaine Benes : Maybe he's an enigma, a mystery wrapped in a riddle.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.

• Newman : Margaret?

  Margaret : Hello.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You two know each other?

  Newman : You might say that.

  Margaret : We used to go out.

  Newman : Well, toodle-oo. And nice seeing you again Margaret, goodbye Jerry. Have fun. Hehe

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : I find it fascinating when you go into a stationery store, that they are manufacturing millions of pens. Constantly. We're all buying them. I must have bought 6000 Bics in my life. I've used up maybe two of them. Where is the rest of them? When you move the refrigerator, there's always a couple back there, but that doesn't account for it. Where are all the pens? That's why it's so embarrassing if you don't have one. "You got a pen? Could I borrow a pen?" We always have to whisper because it's so humiliating. "I don't have a pen. They're making millions of them every week. -- I know. Where are they?"

• Kramer : Jerry!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Well, it has nothing to do with you.

  Kramer : Yeah, but maybe he was so mad from the penalty stroke that he murdered the dry cleaner.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Well, generally speaking you don't need any extra incentive to murder a dry cleaner. I wouldn't worry about that.

• Jerry Seinfeld : You went out with Newman?

  Margaret : Just a few times.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Why?

  Margaret : I liked him.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You liked Newman?

  Margaret : Look I'm a little uncomfortable talking about this okay?

  Jerry Seinfeld : No, I'm sorry. I'm just a little curious. I mean why did you stop seeing him?

  Margaret : He ended it.

• [last lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : To me, murder doesn't even really seem like that great a revenge. Wouldn't years of subtle psychological mind games be a lot more satisfying? You know, just constantly calling them and hanging up when they pick up the phone? Sending pizzas and taxis to their house all night long. You know, after a while, they would go, "I wish this guy would just kill me already. I can't take it anymore." And how come whenever the police catch some really bad criminal, they always put him in the handcuffs, and they hit him with the baton, and they put the choke-hold on him. But then they don't want him to hurt his head when they put him in the back of the patrol car. "Watch your head there. Watch your head. Don't hit that metal edge there. That really hurts."

• Jerry Seinfeld : All I could think of when I was looking in her face was, Newman found this unacceptable.