- Elaine: Here's one. I borrowed Puddy's car and all the presets on his radio were Christian rock stations.
- George Costanza: I like Christian rock. It's very positive. It's not like those real musicians who think they're so cool and hip.
- Elaine: So you think that Puddy actually believes in something?
- Jerry: It's a used car, he probably never changed the presets.
- Elaine: Yes, he is lazy.
- Jerry: Plus, he probably doesn't know how to program the buttons.
- Elaine: Yes, he is dumb.
- Jerry: So you prefer dumb and lazy to religious?
- Elaine: Dumb and lazy, I understand.
- Elaine: Do you believe in God?
- David Puddy: Yes.
- Elaine: Oh! So you're pretty religious?
- David Puddy: I try.
- Elaine: So is it a problem that I'm not really religious?
- David Puddy: Not for me.
- Elaine: Why not?
- David Puddy: I'm not the one going to hell.
- George Costanza: [after Jerry has told him and Elaine about Sophie giving him the "It's me"] I'm against all "it's me"s. So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like these hip musicians with their complicated shoes!
- Cosmo Kramer: Our eyes met across a crowded hat store. I, am customer and she, a coquettish haberdasher. I pursued and she withdrew. Then she pursued and I withdrew. And so we danced, and I burned for her. Much like the burning during urination I experienced soon afterwards.
- Student #1: Gonorrhea!
- Jerry: Sophie, it's me! I know about the tractor story! And I'm fine with it!
- Sophie: How could you know?
- Jerry: Shhh! Shhh! But I'm not going to let something like this ruin what could be a meaningful relationship.
- Mickey Abbott: [Kramer and Mickey enter] You gave me gonorrhea and you didn't even tell me!
- Cosmo Kramer: I gave you gonorrhea because I thought you'd have fun with it!
- Mickey Abbott: Well, you should have told me!
- Jerry: I'm with somebody!
- Sophie: No, I understand! This can be a difficult thing to deal with! But the important thing is that you have a partner who's supportive.
- Cosmo Kramer: You know, she's right.
- Sophie: But of course, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
- Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
- Sophie: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it because I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
- Jerry: [stunned] All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night everybody!
- [leaves]
- Elaine: Well, I'm going to hell.
- Jerry: That sounds about right. Hey, did you hear the one about the guy in hell with the coffee and the donuts?
- Elaine: Jerry, I'm not in the mood.
- George Costanza: [to the waitress] I'll have some coffee and a donut.
- Father Curtis: Let me see if I understand this. You're concerned that he isn't concerned that you're going to hell, and you feel that she's too bossy.
- David Puddy: Yes.
- Elaine: Yeah, that's right.
- Father Curtis: Well, oftentimes in cases of interfaith marriages, couples have difficulty...
- Elaine: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No one's getting married here.
- Father Curtis: You aren't?
- David Puddy: Naw.
- Father Curtis: Oh
- Elaine: We're just, you know, havin' a good time.
- Father Curtis: Oh. Well then it's simple. You're both going to hell.
- David Puddy: No way. This is BOGUS.
- David Puddy: Elaine, they forgot to deliver your paper today. Why don't you just take that one.
- Elaine: But that belongs to Mr potato guy. That's his.
- David Puddy: Come on, get it.
- Elaine: Well if you want it, you get it.
- David Puddy: Sorry. Thou shalt not steal.
- Elaine: Oh, but it's okay for me?
- David Puddy: What do you care? You know where you're going.
- Mickey Abbott: Hey! That's my cirrhosis. He's stealing my cirrhosis. You wanna be sick?
- [pulls Kramer down to the floor and jumps on top of him]
- Mickey Abbott: I'll show you sick.
- Student #2: Cirrhosis of the liver and uh, PCP addiction?
- Mickey Abbott: Bacterial meningitis. Jackpot!
- Cosmo Kramer: Gonorrhea. You wanna trade?
- Mickey Abbott: Sorry buddy. This is the Hamlet of diseases. Severe pain, nausea, delusions. It's got everything.
- George Costanza: Don't you even care. This is your company. It's your name on the outside of the building. Speaking of which, the R fell off. All it says now is K UGER
- Kruger: K uger, that sounds like one of those old time car horns, huh? K uger, K uger.
- George Costanza: You are too much, Mr. Kruger, too much.
- Kruger: Thank you, George, you've been great. That's it for me
- [starts to leave]
- George Costanza: You're not going out on a high note with me, Mr. Kruger.
- Kruger: It's K uger.
- George Costanza: Nooo! Nooo!
- Kruger: Good night everybody.
- Sophie: [on Jerry's answering machine] Hey Jerry, it's me. Call me back.
- Jerry: Sophie.
- George Costanza: She's still doing that?
- Jerry: Yep.
- George Costanza: Alright, I'll tell you what you do. You call her back and give HER the "It's me", heh? Pull the old switcheroo.
- Jerry: I think that's a "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."
- George Costanza: What the hell is a gander, anyway?
- Jerry: It's a goose that's had the old switcheroo pulled on it.
- George Costanza: I had 'em Jerry. They loved me.
- Jerry: And then?
- George Costanza: I lost them. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end, it's buried under a pile of gaffs and bad puns.
- Jerry: Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off.
- Mickey Abbott: Cirrhosis of the liver with jaundice! Alright, I get to wear makeup. What'd you get?
- Cosmo Kramer: Gonorrhea. Excuse me. I think there's been a mistake. I had Gonorrhea last week.
- Dr. Wexler: Oh it's no mistake. We loved what you did with it.
- Cosmo Kramer: I don't believe this. I'm being typecast
- Jerry: No no, he's pretending he's got gonorrhea so med students can diagnose it.
- Cosmo Kramer: And it's a waste of my talent. It's just a little burning. Mickey, he got bacterial meningitis.
- George Costanza: Well I guess there are no small diseases, only small actors.
- [Kramer, Elaine and Jerry laugh]
- George Costanza: Alright, that's it for me. goodnight everybody.
- [exits]
- Elaine: What was that?
- Jerry: Showmanship. George is trying to get out on a high note.