Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Fusilli Jerry (1995)

Michael Richards: Cosmo Kramer

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Kramer pulls into a doctors only parking space] 

  Security Guard : Can I help you?

  Cosmo Kramer : [points at the ASSMAN license plate]  Dr. Cosmo Kramer, proctology.

  Security Guard : Oh ok

  Cosmo Kramer : Have a good day.

• George Costanza : So, did you get your new plates?

  Cosmo Kramer : Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.

  George Costanza : What do they say?

  Cosmo Kramer : Assman.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Assman?

  Cosmo Kramer : Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?

  George Costanza : Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

  Jerry Seinfeld : It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.

  Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah. Proctologist.

  George Costanza : Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.

  Cosmo Kramer : Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"

• Cosmo Kramer : Yeah, excuse me, uh... You didn't by any chance recently get the wrong license plates?

  Dr. Howard Cooperman : Yes. I'm still waiting for the motor vehicle bureau to straighten it out.

  Cosmo Kramer : So... you're the Assman.

  [Dr. Cooperman winks and heads back to where Frank is waiting] 

  Frank Costanza : It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.

• Cosmo Kramer : [hands Jerry a pasta figure]  There you go, buddy.

  Jerry Seinfeld : What is it?

  Cosmo Kramer : It's fusilli Jerry. It's made from fusilli pasta. See the microphone?

  Jerry Seinfeld : When did you do this?

  Cosmo Kramer : In my spare time.

• Cosmo Kramer : Hey, Frank.

  Frank Costanza : Don't Frank me! I know what you did. How dare you stop short with my wife!

• Cosmo Kramer : [reading the note on his windshield]  Call me. Thirty-six, twenty-four, forty-six. I think I have what you're looking for."