- [Elaine is glancing at a football magazine as Joel slides up to her on the couch]
- Joel: Uh, boning up on football?
- Elaine Benes: Yeah, yeah. You know what? There are a lot of players named Deion these days. What a cool name, Deion. If I were gonna change my name, I'd go with Deion.
- Joel: Deion Benes?
- Elaine Benes: Well as a woman, it makes no sense. But, I mean, let's say I was you. And I decided I was gonna change my name for no real reasons whatsoever - Deion Rifkin. Wow! That is so cool.
- Joel: D-Deion Rifkin?
- Elaine Benes: Well maybe you're not the Deion type. O.K. then let's see, let's see, what do we got?
- [Elaine looks at the magazine and starts to gasp]
- Elaine Benes: Oh! Oh oh oh! O.J.! O.J. Rifkin! You don't even use a name, it's just initials. Oh please please please change your name to O.J.! Please, it would be so great!
- Elaine Benes: The whole city is talking about this monster Joel Rifkin, and I am dating a Joel Rifkin.
- Jerry Seinfeld: But you like your Joel Rifkin.
- Elaine Benes: Yeah. I just wish he has a different name
- Jerry Seinfeld: Ask him to change it.
- Elaine Benes: You can't ask a person to change their name
- Jerry Seinfeld: Why not?
- Elaine Benes: Would you change yours?
- Jerry Seinfeld: If someone asked me nicely. I'm Claude Seinfeld.
- George Costanza: [about Jodi] Jerry... This woman hates me so much. I'm starting to like her.
- Jerry Seinfeld: What?
- George Costanza: She just dislikes me so much... It's irresistable.
- Jerry Seinfeld: I can see that.
- Giants Stadium Announcer: [over the public address system] Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Would Joel Rifkin report to the stadium office. Joel Rifkin... telephone.
- George Costanza: You know what? I should really go talk to her. Nothing confrontational. Just two adults sitting down trying to clear the air. I just know if I could spend some time alone with her. I've got to.
- [George grabs his jacket]
- George Costanza: I've got to.
- Karen: You're going now?
- George Costanza: I think I can still catch her.
- Karen: All right George. I have had just about enough of this.
- George Costanza: What? What are you talking about.
- Karen: I am talking about you and Jodi. You're completely obsessed with her!
- George Costanza: I know. I know.
- Karen: Who is more important to you, her or me? I like you, she doesn't. Who are you gonna pick?
- George Costanza: [pauses] I'm sorry Karen. I know I care for you, but I just can't stand when someone doesn't like me.
- Karen: Well, now I hate you!
- George Costanza: That I'm used to.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, it's like going to Idaho and eating carrots. I like carrots, but I'm in Idaho, I want a potato.
- George Costanza: So she doesn't like me?
- Jerry Seinfeld: No.
- George Costanza: She said that?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yes.
- George Costanza: She told you she doesn't like me?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yes.
- George Costanza: What were her exact...
- Jerry Seinfeld: "I don't like him."
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, did you get the ball?
- Kramer: Oh, I got the ball.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game.
- Kramer: Well, It's quite a thrill.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Look, who are you kidding? You come up to my apartment with your table and your little oils, and I'm not supposed to expect anything? You're a massage teaser.
- Jodi: Listen. I massage who I want, when I want. I don't submit to forcible massage.
- [Jerry tries desperately to get her hands on his shoulders again but she pulls them away immediately]
- Jodi: I'm getting out of here.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Fine. Go.
- George Costanza: I wanna know what I did to this woman.
- Karen: What, you got a little thing for her?
- George Costanza: No, No! She's going out with a friend of mine. It's only courteous that we should try and like each other.
- Karen: What difference does it make? Who cares if she doesn't like you? Does everybody in the world have to like you?
- George Costanza: Yes! Yes! Everybody has to like me. I must be liked!
- Elaine Benes: Uhh! What are you doing?
- Joel: Massaging your neck.
- Elaine Benes: Oh. Huh. Of course. Massaging.
- Kramer: You know why Rifkin was a serial killer? Because he was adopted. Just like Son of Sam was adopted. So apparently adoption leads to serial killing.
- George Costanza: You know it's like you never see a really attractive woman getting a traffic ticket.
- Jodi: How can you say that? My sister got a ticket last week. Are you saying she's not attractive?
- George Costanza: Well I've never met your sister but obviously these are not hard-and-fast rules.
- Joel: Remi Rifkin? Should I get a beret?
- Elaine Benes: Oh, Stuart's a lot better!
- [starts mocking Joel by talking like a baby]
- Elaine Benes: Little Stuart Rifkin likes to go shopping with his mother.
- Lisa: Hi, we just saw your boyfriend at a bus stop.
- Elaine Benes: Oh, yeah?
- Lisa: Yeah. What's his name?
- Elaine Benes: Joel...
- Lisa: Joel what?
- Elaine Benes: Uh... Rifkin.
- Michael: Rifkin? Joel Rifkin?
- Elaine Benes: Yeah. It's just a coincidence obviously.
- Michael: Guess you better keep on his good side.
- Elaine Benes: Very funny. That's very funny.
- Lisa: I wouldn't sleep with my back to him if I were you.
- Elaine Benes: All right. Well that's enough of that. That's enough.
- Michael: Hey Elaine listen. If you smell anything decaying in the trunk of his car...
- Elaine Benes: [interupts in an agitated state] OK look this is my boyfriend we're talking about OK? And he's a gentlemen, he's good looking, he's a good shaver and he hasn't thrown up in eigth years so just shut up about him! Shut up!
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: If there's a serial killer loose in your neighborhood, it seems like the safest thing is to be the neighbor. They never kill the neighbor. The neighbor always survives to do the interview afterwards, right? "Uh, he was kind of quiet." I love these neighbors. They're never disturbed by the sounds of murdering. Just stereo. Chain saws, people screaming, fine. Just keep the music down... And all these women that always fall in love with the serial killer. They write to him in prison. Here's a woman that's hard to disappoint. I guess she's only upset when she finds out he's stopped killing people. And she goes, "You know, sometimes I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore."
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: The Swedish are very big massagers, you know. They like the Swedish meatballs, Swedish massage. They like having meat in their hands, these people. For some reason. But it's weird. Because they have one of the highest suicide rates. They're rubbing each other's necks all the time. For a neutral country, they seem kind of tense. I don't really like the idea of getting a professional massage. I don't want people touching me that don't know me and don't want to have sex with me. You know, what are you bothering me for? You get me all loosened up, juices flowing, then, "That's it. Okay. You're done." Like having chocolate rubbed all over your face. You want to go, "Excuse me. I think you missed a spot."
- George Costanza: I don't even know her sister, but believe me, if she's gettin' traffic tickets, she's not that good-lookin'.