Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Merv Griffin Show (1997)

Jason Alexander: George Costanza

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Costanza : I don't get these birds; they're breakin' the deal! It's like the pigeons decided to ignore me.

  Jerry Seinfeld : So they're like everyone else.

• George Costanza : Miranda thinks I'm a butcher, but - it's not my fault, is it? Don't we have a deal with the pigeons?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Of course we have a deal: They get out of the way of our cars; we look the other way on the statue defecations.

• George Costanza : [George and Jerry are seated as guests on "The Merv Griffin Show"]  So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

  Cosmo Kramer : El Paso, I spent a month there one night.

  Newman : [laughing hard]  El Paso!

  Jerry Seinfeld : What's he here for?

  Cosmo Kramer : He takes some of the pressure off of me. So Jerry what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. Hmmm

  Jerry Seinfeld : Actually it's kind of a funny story.She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.

  Cosmo Kramer : Well it sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?

  Newman : Are you married right now?

  [Kramer slaps Newman] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out.

  Cosmo Kramer : What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?

  Jerry Seinfeld : [to George]  She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love.

  George Costanza : Ah come on! You got to get me over there!

  Cosmo Kramer : Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?

  [to Newman] 

  Cosmo Kramer : Could we pause a moment?

  [Newman turns on "commercial break music"] 

  Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business but when your on my set, you clean it up mister!

  Newman : I told you he was a risk.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh like he's not just carrying you and has been for years!

  Newman : Yeah? Well you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs.

  [Kramer mediates] 

  Cosmo Kramer : ["Commercial music" ends]  Smile everyone we're back.

• Jerry Seinfeld : So Miranda's cooled on you?

  George Costanza : I'm gettin' nothin'!

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah, me neither.

  George Costanza : Really? I thought you and Celia were sleeping together.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh, the sex is wild, but she's got this incredible toy collection and she won't let me near it!

• [George and Miranda are in George's car] 

  George Costanza : You know, I spilled a yogurt smoothie in here two days ago.

  [Proudly] 

  George Costanza : Can't smell anything, can you?

  Miranda : Banana?

• Jerry Seinfeld : You ran over some pigeons? How many?

  George Costanza : Whatever they had.