- Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.
- Frank Costanza: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!
- Estelle Constanza: I think you can take him, Georgie!
- George Costanza: Oh, come on! Be sensible.
- Frank Costanza: Stop crying and fight your father!
- George Costanza: Ow!... Ow! I give! I give! Uncle!
- Frank Costanza: This is the best Festivus ever!
- Frank Costanza: Welcome, new comers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances.
- [yelling]
- Frank Costanza: I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it! You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks!
- George Costanza: Oh, God.
- Frank Costanza: [to George] Quiet, you'll get yours in a minute.
- [yelling]
- Frank Costanza: Kruger, you couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... I lost my train of thought.
- Cosmo Kramer: Great news! Yeah, the strike has been settled. I'm going back to work.
- Jerry: What strike?
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, H&H Bagels. That's where I worked.
- Jerry: You?
- Elaine: Worked?
- Cosmo Kramer: Ah, listen, Harry, I need the 23rd off.
- Harry: Hey! I hired you to work during the holidays. This is the holidays.
- Cosmo Kramer: But it's Festivus.
- Harry: What?
- Cosmo Kramer: You know you're infringing on my right to celebrate new holidays.
- Harry: That's not a right.
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, it's going to be! Because I'm going back on strike.
- Frank Costanza: Kramer, I got your message. I haven't celebrated Festivus in years! What is your interest?
- Cosmo Kramer: Well, just tell me everything, huh?
- Frank Costanza: Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reach for the last one they had - but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way!
- Cosmo Kramer: What happened to the doll?
- Frank Costanza: It was destroyed. But out of that, a new holiday was born. "A Festivus for the rest of us!"
- Cosmo Kramer: That musta been some kind of doll.
- Frank Costanza: She was.
- Jerry: Happy Festivus!
- Cosmo Kramer: What's Festivus?
- Jerry: When George was growing up...
- George Costanza: [interrupts] ... NO!
- Jerry: His father...
- George Costanza: [interrupts] ... Stop it! It's nothing. It's a stupid holiday my father invented. It doesn't exist!
- Elaine: [as she walks into Jerry's apartment] Happy Festivus, Georgie.
- George Costanza: [yelling] God!
- Cosmo Kramer: Frank invented a holiday? He's so prolific!
- Elaine: Oh, I can't believe it! I've lost my "Atomic Sub" card!... Oh no! I bet I wrote that fake number on the back of it when I gave it to denim vest!
- Jerry: So?
- Elaine: I've eaten 23 bad subs, I just need 1 more! It's like a long, bad movie, but you want to see the end of it!
- Jerry: No, you walk out.
- Elaine: Alright, then, it's like a boring book, but you gotta finish it.
- Jerry: No, you wait for the movie!
- Kruger: George, we have a problem. There's a memo, here, from accounting telling me there's no such thing as the Human Fund.
- George Costanza: Well, there could be.
- Kruger: But there isn't.
- George Costanza: Well, I - I could, Uh, I could give the money back. Here.
- [George hands the cheque back to Kruger]
- Kruger: George, I don't get it. If there's no Human Fund, those donation cards were fake. You better have a damn good reason why you gave me a fake Christmas gift.
- George Costanza: Well, sir, I - I gave out the fake card, because, um, I don't really celebrate Christmas. I, um, I celebrate Festivus.
- Kruger: Feminist?
- George Costanza: Festivus, Sir. And, uh, I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!
- Kruger: Are you making all this up, too?
- George Costanza: Oh, no, Sir. Festivus is all too real. And... I could prove it - if I had to.
- Kruger: Yeah, you probably should.
- Frank Costanza: George, festivus is your heritage. It's part of who you are.
- George Costanza: That's why I hate it.
- Sleazy Guy: Hey, Charlie! Guess who's here. Elaine Benes.
- Employee: Elaine Benes?
- Sleazy Guy: You make a lot of man friends. You know who's a man? Charlie here, he's a man. You know who else? Me. I'm a man.
- Employee: I'm a man
- Elaine: Ohh... my...
- Sleazy Guy: I'll have this vest guy call your real number. You just, uh, give it to me. And that way, I'll have it.
- Elaine: What were your demands?
- Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, $5.35 an hour. And that's what they're paying now.
- Elaine: I believe that's the new minimum wage.