The Simpsons (TV Series)

Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes? (1992)

Danny DeVito: Herb Powell

Quotes 

• Homer Simpson : Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.

  Herb : Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?

  Homer Simpson : I try, but I can't.

• Herb : Lisa, aren't you happy to see me?

  Lisa : Why didn't you write, Unky Herb?

  Herb : Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop?"

  Lisa : I see your point.

• [Herb is losing at Monopoly] 

  Herb : [aggravated]  That's all I got!

  Homer : [laughing]  Broke again, eh Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.

  [Herb punches Homer] 

• Herb : [rings Simpsons' bell]  Now, what do I do? I mean, this is the guy who ruined me. Then again, he's my brother... So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

  Homer : [opens door]  Herb.

  [Herb punches him in the face] 

• Bart : Unckie Herb, what advice would you give to a young boy who would most likely become a bum like yourself?

  Herb : Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.

• Herb : [referring to himself]  How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance?

  Homer : Nah.

• Herb : Let me show you this.

  [Herb sets a drinking bird mechanism on the table] 

  Homer : [amazed]  It's drinking the water!

  Herb : Take it easy, Homer. Now, this device shows how a product, carefully marketed...

  Homer : This is the greatest invention in the world! You'll make a million dollars!

  Herb : No, Homer, that invention is out already. Anyway ...

  Homer : [chuckling]  Heheheheh, it's going back for more!

• Herb : [Herb is telling a bunch of fellow bums about how he lost a successful car company]  Life was sweet. Then I found out I had a long lost half-brother. I let him

  [Homer] 

  Herb : design a car that would either make or break my company. Forbes magazine called it "The Blunder of the Century". Little overblown, don't you think?

• Herb : [about to meet Homer again]  What do I say to this guy? This is the guy who ruined me! On the other hand, he's family. So many emotions, how do I express them?

  Homer Simpson : [Opens the door and sees Herb]  Herb?

  [Herb punches him across the face, and Homer collapses to the ground] 

• Homer : Alright, Herb, we'll give you the money. But you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.

  Herb : Nope.

  Homer : Okay, then just give me the drinking bird.

• Bart , Lisa : Unky Herb!

  Herb : [hugging them]  Bart! Lisa! I'm so happy to see you.

  Homer : [rubbing his cheek]  You weren't so happy to see me.

  Herb : I'm sorry. Homer, but I'm still mad at you. Everything you say just makes me want to punch you in the face!

  Homer : Well, while you're a guest in my house, could you just kick me in the butt?

  Herb : I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.

• Herb : Now, Bart, you know you're too young for that machine gun, but I got you something that'll make sure that when you're old enough, you can still buy one: a membership in the National Rifle Association.

  Bart : Wow, the NRA! Can I get armor-piercing, cyanide-tipped bullets, too?

  Herb : It's in the Constitution, son.