The Simpsons (TV Series)

Jaws Wired Shut (2002)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Horrified Man, Duck with Cell Phone, Itchy, Justin, MovieCall Announcer, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Mayor Quimby, Grampa Simpson, Googly-Eyed Man, 'I'll pay anything!', Beer Vendor

Quotes 

• [Homer rides into the derby arena on a trouble-making donkey] 

  Derby Announcer 1 : A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this!

  [the donkey stops, exhausted] 

  Homer : [Like Pop-Eye]  Eh, looks like I need fuel for me mule; gas for me ass

  [chuckles] 

• Homer : Stop the madness! Start the movie!

  Lisa : Maybe we should try to calm dad down.

  Bart : I prefer to egg him on. Hey, dad, has the movie started yet?

  Homer : [hysterical scream]  YAAAHHHHHH!

• Marge : Homer, you're going to get into trouble.

  Homer : I'm not scared of those ushers. What are they going to do, advance on me?

• Homer : I was just telling all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man.

  Lindsay Naegle : I couldn't agree more. You're today's modern, enlightened man; the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid-'70s.

  Carl : Hey, what are you doin' in here?

  Lindsay Naegle : I'm an alcoholic. Homer, will you appear on my show?

  Homer : Sure thing, Alky.

• Duffman : Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff?

  Carl : Hey, it's Duffman.

  Lenny : Newsweek said you died of liver failure.

  Duffman : Duffman can never die. Only the actors who play him.

  [thrusting his hips] 

  Duffman : Oh, yeah!

  Moe Szyslak : Ah, you must be here for the, uh, Duff trivia challenge.

  Duffman : That's right, local distributor. One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff.

  [one of his bikini girls hands him an envelope] 

  Duffman : Okay, chug-monkeys. "What beverage brewed since ancient times is made from hops and grains?"

  Lenny : How about "Ancient Hop Grain Juice"?

  Homer : [trying to speak]  Beer! Beer! Beer!

  Moe Szyslak : Wait, wait, wait. Homer's trying to make a guess.

  Homer : Beer! Beer! Beer!

  Moe Szyslak : [Homer turns on one of his taps]  What are you doing? You're getting some kind of booze all over me.

  [Homer wails in despair] 

  Duffman : [blowing an air horn]  Time's up. The answer is... "beer." Ooh, Duff luck.

  Carl : I never would have figured that out.

  Lenny : That's the kind of thing you just gotta know.

  [Homer sobs into his hands] 

• Homer : Ah, there's nothing better than relaxing with my favorite magazine.

  [unfolding a page of "Pie Times" like a nudie magazine centerfold] 

  Homer : [excited gasp]  Ooh... they're showing the filling now. Can they do that?

• Joy : Homelah, it's easy to change, but what's hard is not changing back.

  Barbara : Do you promise not to revive your "weckless, weckless" ways?

  Homer : I don't know. The demolition derby is next month.

  Marge : Please, Homie. No more craziness, for me?

  Homer : Well, okay. For you, I'll be as dull as Dilbert.

  Barbara : Very good. Our next topic, "My son still wets the bed."

  Milhouse : [entering with his mother]  You told me we were going to Red Lobster!

• Homer : [seeing Lisa come home in a fit, he writes on his chalkboard]  What's wrong?

  Lisa : [surprised]  You wanna know what happened?

  Homer : [writing]  Yes.

  Lisa : Really?

  Homer : [erasing and re-writing]  Yes.

  Lisa : We were playing four square, and I called no double taps, and Ralph double-taps. And I said, "You're out." And he says

  [imitating Ralph] 

  Lisa : "I can do a sum-ber-salt." Which has nothing to do with anything.

  Homer : [thinking as he hugs her]  Aw, maybe a hug will cork her cry-hole.

• Homer : [seeing a gay pride parade float called "Fab Abs"]  Aw, look at those abs. Everyone here has a six-pack, and I'm the only one with a keg.

  [he lifts up his shirt] 

  Horrified Man : Oh, God, cover up!

• Dr. Hibbert : Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw.

  Homer : [muffled]  Broken jaw? Oh!

  Dr. Hibbert : [chuckling]  He won't be able to talk for quite some time. I've wired his jaw shut. It's all explained in this pamphlet.

  Marge : [dismayed]  "So Your Life is Ruined.

  [flipping through it] 

  Marge : Oh, dear, you can't eat solid foods. Those are his favorite.

  Homer : I can't eat solid food?

  Marge : [he runs over and straps himself into a contraption labeled "Suicide Machine"]  Stop it, Homer!

  Dr. Hibbert : Oh, don't worry. On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.

  [shrugging Marge off, Homer sticks the needle in his arm and injects the drugs, moaning in erotic satisfaction] 

• Bart : So, the substitute teacher comes in and says her name is Mrs. Doody, and everyone's looking at me like, "Take it, Bart. Run with it." Then it hits me; I've become a clown... a class clown. And it sickens me.

  Homer : [thinking]  Wow, Bart has feelings.

  [laughing] 

  Homer : Mrs. Doody.

• Barbara : Well, Marge told us, when you didn't listen, it led to reckless, criminal behavior.

  Marge : He did such crazy things. Roll the clip.

  Homer : [at a cookout]  Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers!

  Lenny : I'll take one.

  Homer : Okay, you pick one out and I'll punch it to death.

  Lenny : [thinking]  Hmm...

  Homer : [going to the bird Lenny indicates]  Hey, there, little sweet...

  [he punches it in the stomach; in retaliation, it wraps its neck around his and kicks him in the stomach] 

  Homer : Oh, dude, I thought we were friends!

• Mayor Quimby : And so, for helping to K.O. litter in our community, I hereby dedicate this statue of Drederick Tatum.

  Drederick Tatum : [applause]  Litter is my most treacherous foe. I would like to eat its children.

  Homer : [running away from movie ushers]  So long, suckers!

  [not looking where he's going, he runs into the statue's outstretched fist] 

  Homer : [in pain]  Oh... my mouth! My beautiful mouth.

  Drederick Tatum : [patting the statue's other arm]  Excellent bout. Now we go party.

• Dr. Hibbert : [removing Homer's jaw wires]  Whew! Homer, your breath smells terrible. I'll have to take off my shoes to cover the odor.

  Homer : [he does so]  Nicely done.

• Homer : And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen. I learned so much about my family. You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while.

  Lenny : Really? Let's try it.

  Moe Szyslak : [after a moment of silence, from another room]  Hello? Yeah, I'd like to arrange, uh, for an escort, please. To where? How about "Orgasmville"?

• Marge : [returning home from the store]  Hm! All clean, just the way I left it.

  Homer : [in the family room]  I'm gonna kill you!

  Marge : Well, so much for the new Homer.

  [going to check, nothing's wrong] 

  Marge : What's going on?

  Bart : We're rehearsing a play.

  Homer : Yes, and I was merely reading the title, "I'm Gonna Kill You."

  Marge : Oh. It's just a false alarm.

  Homer : Yep. Nothing to get excited about.

  Marge : Well, I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.

  Homer : [continuing as she leaves]  Professor Van Doren, so good to see you.

  Professor Van Doren : [entering]  Ah, rehearsing a play, I see.

• Barbara : Marge, what was Homer like before he broke his jaw?

  Marge : Well, he would eat all the time. We'd be making love and he'd have a mouthful of Hersey's miniatures.

  Homer : [ashamed]  Krackle was my favorite.

• Marge : A formal. The one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy.

  Homer : Uh-huh.

  Montgomery Burns : So, how are we enjoying the festivities?

  Homer : [writing on his chalkboard]  So hungry.

  Montgomery Burns : Yes, the music is from southern Hungary. That's quite an ear.

  [giving him two handfuls of cash] 

  Montgomery Burns : Have some money.

• Marge : This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.

  Homer : I'm... horny.

  Marge : I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer, this is the kind of night I thought we could never have together; incident-free.

  Homer : [shaking off the donkey from the previous year, who gestures that a cake is waiting for them]  Mm-mm.

  [the donkey leaves, braying in disappointment] 

  Dr. Hibbert : [dancing with his wife]  Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires. You'll be just the way you used to be.

  [Marge gasps] 

  Dr. Hibbert : [dancing over to Rev. Lovejoy]  And, Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.

  Reverend Lovejoy : Super.

• Marge : You know, tomorrow is the Annual Springfield Formal Event. We weren't going to go after last year's... unpleasantness.

  [indicating a newspaper front page of a drunk Homer riding a donkey, crashing into a cake, under the headline "Local man ruins everything"] 

  Marge : That donkey is such a bad influence on you. But breaking your jaw has made you so sweet, maybe we can go.

  Homer : [nodding]  Mm-hmm.

  Marge : [he smiles]  Mmm, I better polish those jaw wires for tomorrow.

  [as she does so, he sighs contentedly and taps his foot like Thumper from "Bambi"] 

• Marge : [with his jaw wired shut, Homer uses a mini chalkboard to communicate]  Hmm. "How was your day?" Do you really wanna know?

  Homer : [nodding]  Uh-huh.

  Marge : Well, let's see... I was in the kitchen counting the corncobs on the curtains...

  Homer : Uh-huh.

  Marge : ...when who should ring the doorbell but Ned Flanders.

  [giggling as he writes "D'oh!" and does the accompanying head gesture] 

  Marge : It seems he wants to ban culottes in the school.

  [Homer growls in anger] 

  Marge : Pardon my French, but sometimes that man's a goofy-doofy.

  Homer : [thinking]  Marge thinks Flanders is annoying. This marriage just got interesting.