The Simpsons (TV Series)
Jaws Wired Shut (2002)
Harry Shearer: Marcher, Waylon Smithers, Scratchy, Usher #2, Dr. Hibbert, Lenny, Montgomery Burns, Reverend Lovejoy, Derby Announcer #1, Otto
Quotes
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[Homer rides into the derby arena on a trouble-making donkey]
Derby Announcer 1 : A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this!
[the donkey stops, exhausted]
Homer : [Like Pop-Eye] Eh, looks like I need fuel for me mule; gas for me ass
[chuckles]
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Duffman : Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff?
Carl : Hey, it's Duffman.
Lenny : Newsweek said you died of liver failure.
Duffman : Duffman can never die. Only the actors who play him.
[thrusting his hips]
Duffman : Oh, yeah!
Moe Szyslak : Ah, you must be here for the, uh, Duff trivia challenge.
Duffman : That's right, local distributor. One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff.
[one of his bikini girls hands him an envelope]
Duffman : Okay, chug-monkeys. "What beverage brewed since ancient times is made from hops and grains?"
Lenny : How about "Ancient Hop Grain Juice"?
Homer : [trying to speak] Beer! Beer! Beer!
Moe Szyslak : Wait, wait, wait. Homer's trying to make a guess.
Homer : Beer! Beer! Beer!
Moe Szyslak : [Homer turns on one of his taps] What are you doing? You're getting some kind of booze all over me.
[Homer wails in despair]
Duffman : [blowing an air horn] Time's up. The answer is... "beer." Ooh, Duff luck.
Carl : I never would have figured that out.
Lenny : That's the kind of thing you just gotta know.
[Homer sobs into his hands]
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Waylon Smithers : [in a gay pride parade float called "Stayin' in the Closet"] We're gay! We're glad!
Patty Bouvier : But don't tell mom and dad!
Marge : Wouldn't it be great if that man and woman got together?
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Dr. Hibbert : Homer, you've suffered a broken jaw.
Homer : [muffled] Broken jaw? Oh!
Dr. Hibbert : [chuckling] He won't be able to talk for quite some time. I've wired his jaw shut. It's all explained in this pamphlet.
Marge : [dismayed] "So Your Life is Ruined.
[flipping through it]
Marge : Oh, dear, you can't eat solid foods. Those are his favorite.
Homer : I can't eat solid food?
Marge : [he runs over and straps himself into a contraption labeled "Suicide Machine"] Stop it, Homer!
Dr. Hibbert : Oh, don't worry. On a man his size, that just provides sexual release.
[shrugging Marge off, Homer sticks the needle in his arm and injects the drugs, moaning in erotic satisfaction]
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Barbara : Well, Marge told us, when you didn't listen, it led to reckless, criminal behavior.
Marge : He did such crazy things. Roll the clip.
Homer : [at a cookout] Ostrich burgers! Get your ostrich burgers!
Lenny : I'll take one.
Homer : Okay, you pick one out and I'll punch it to death.
Lenny : [thinking] Hmm...
Homer : [going to the bird Lenny indicates] Hey, there, little sweet...
[he punches it in the stomach; in retaliation, it wraps its neck around his and kicks him in the stomach]
Homer : Oh, dude, I thought we were friends!
-
Dr. Hibbert : [removing Homer's jaw wires] Whew! Homer, your breath smells terrible. I'll have to take off my shoes to cover the odor.
Homer : [he does so] Nicely done.
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Homer : And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen. I learned so much about my family. You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while.
Lenny : Really? Let's try it.
Moe Szyslak : [after a moment of silence, from another room] Hello? Yeah, I'd like to arrange, uh, for an escort, please. To where? How about "Orgasmville"?
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Marge : A formal. The one place you can wear a tiara and not look crazy.
Homer : Uh-huh.
Montgomery Burns : So, how are we enjoying the festivities?
Homer : [writing on his chalkboard] So hungry.
Montgomery Burns : Yes, the music is from southern Hungary. That's quite an ear.
[giving him two handfuls of cash]
Montgomery Burns : Have some money.
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Marge : This has been one of the most magical evenings of my life.
Homer : I'm... horny.
Marge : I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was beautiful. Oh, Homer, this is the kind of night I thought we could never have together; incident-free.
Homer : [shaking off the donkey from the previous year, who gestures that a cake is waiting for them] Mm-mm.
[the donkey leaves, braying in disappointment]
Dr. Hibbert : [dancing with his wife] Oh, Homer, drop by my office tomorrow and I can remove those jaw wires. You'll be just the way you used to be.
[Marge gasps]
Dr. Hibbert : [dancing over to Rev. Lovejoy] And, Reverend, I'll put in those pec implants on Thursday.
Reverend Lovejoy : Super.
