- Principal Skinner: Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers!
- Superintendant Chalmers: I thought we were having steamed clams.
- Principal Skinner: Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams". That's what I call hamburgers!
- Superintendant Chalmers: You call hamburgers "steamed hams"?
- Principal Skinner: Yes. It's a regional dialect.
- Superintendant Chalmers: Uh-huh. Er, what region?
- Principal Skinner: Uh, upstate New York.
- Superintendant Chalmers: Really? Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."
- Principal Skinner: Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.
- Superintendant Chalmers: I see.
- [Chalmers takes a bite of a "steamed ham"]
- Superintendant Chalmers: You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.
- Principal Skinner: Oh, ho-ho, no! Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe!
- Superintendant Chalmers: For steamed hams.
- Principal Skinner: Yes!
- Superintendant Chalmers: Yes, and you call them "steamed hams", despite the fact they are obviously grilled.
- [shows Skinner the grill marks]
- Principal Skinner: Uh, yuh, I... you know, th... one thing I sh... 'scuse me for one second.
- [exits into the kitchen]
- Superintendant Chalmers: Of course.
- Principal Skinner: [yawning after noticing his roast is burning his kitchen] Aaahhhh! Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all - I'm pooped!
- Superintendant Chalmers: [checks his watch] Yes, I should be...
- [sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire]
- Superintendant Chalmers: GOOD LORD! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?
- Principal Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
- Superintendant Chalmers: A... Aurora Borealis! At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
- Principal Skinner: Yes!
- Superintendant Chalmers: [beat] May I see it?
- Principal Skinner: No.
- Lou: I went to the McDonald's over in Shelbyville the other day.
- Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
- Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.
- Eddie: Hmm... Must've sprung up over night.
- Lou: But you know, it's the little differences.
- Chief Wiggum: Example.
- Lou: Well, at a McDonald's you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
- Chief Wiggum: Get out. What do they call it?
- Lou: A "Quarter Pounder" with cheese.
- Chief Wiggum: "Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but? do they have Krusty's "Partially Gelatinated, Non-Dairy, Gum-Based Beverages"?
- Lou: Yeah, they call them "shakes."
- Eddie: Huh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'.
- [a very tall man scrunched in a Volkswagen Beetle has just grabbed Nelson after being laughed at]
- Tall Man: Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?
- Nelson: Yes.
- Tall Man: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall.
- [gestures to his Beetle]
- Tall Man: This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I, therefore, be made the subject of fun?
- Nelson: [nervously] I guess so.
- Tall Man: [grunts frustatedly] Would you like it if others laughed at YOUR misfortune? Huh? Maybe we should find out!
- Tall Man: [Tall man pulls down Nelson's pants and commands him to walk down the main street] Nowwww, march!
- Tall Man: [honks his car horn while driving behind Nelson] Hey, everyone! Look at this; it's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him!
- [the entire crowd yells "HA-HA!" at Nelson]
- Tall Man: Wave to the people! Blow them kisses!
- Nelson: [breaks down in tears] Wah-wah!
- Superintendant Chalmers: Well, Seymour, I made it, despite your directions.
- Principal Skinner: Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.
- Superintendant Chalmers: Eh.
- Principal Skinner: [sees his oven smoking and his roast burning] Oh, ye Gods! My roast is ruined!
- [looks out the window to a nearby Krusty Burger]
- Principal Skinner: But, what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Delightfully devilish, Seymour!
- Cletus, the slack jawed yokel: [while hanging from a telephone poll] Hey, you know what? I could call my ma while I'm up here.
- [shouts]
- Cletus, the slack jawed yokel: Hey ma! Get off the dang roof!
- [Pulp Fiction Spoof: Snake is driving Lil' Bandit when he sees Chief Wiggum walk in front of him]
- Chief Wiggum: [singing] Donuts, I got donuts, I got...
- [Notices Snake]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey I know you!
- [Snake purposely runs him over, crashes his car and then flees]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey wait up! We gotta swap insurance info!
- [They chase each other into a pawn shop]
- Herman: [Holding them at gunpoint] Looks like the spider caught himself a couples of flies.
- Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
- Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin.
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, someone threw gum in my hair!
- Marge Simpson: Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.
- [the Professor Frink theme song]
- Professor Frink: Professor Frink, Professor Frink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.
- Comic Book Guy: You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.
- Bart: Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town. Do you think anything interesting ever happens to 'em? I mean, there must be thousands of great stories out there.
- Ned Flanders: Marge Simpson! Still makin' juice the old fashioned way?
- Lisa Simpson: No. I've got gum in my hair.
- Marge Simpson: [sighs] We've tried everything. Olive oil, lemon juice, tartare sauce, chocolate syrup, gravy, bacon fat, hummus, baba ganoosh...
- Lisa Simpson: My scalp hurts from horsefly bites.
- Ned Flanders: Why don't you freeze it with an ice cube, and hit it with a hammer? Works for me when I get bubbly gum in the ol' pushbroom.
- [Indicates his moustache]
- Lisa Simpson: That sounds OK.
- [Cut to Marge holding Lisa down on the kitchen table while Ned tries to hammer out the gum]
- Lisa Simpson: Ah! Ah! Stop, stop!
- Ned Flanders: Hmm. I seem to have... mashed more hair into it. Oh, well.