The Simpsons (TV Series)

New Kid on the Block (1992)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Gameshow Host, Realter, Clumsy Student Mover, Kabul Restaurant Employee #2, Frying Dutchman Chef, Frying Dutchman Waiter #2, Conservative Judge, Executioner, Grampa, Blue Haired Lawyer, Man in Jury, Man in Crowd, Barney Gumble

Quotes 

• [Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much] 

  Lionel Hutz : This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story.

  Homer : So, do you think I have a case?

  Lionel Hutz : Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.

  Homer : Woohoo!

• [at the Frying Dutchman, Homer continues to eat everything in sight. The waitstaff look on] 

  Flying Dutchman Waiter #2 : [to Captain McAlister]  That man ate all our shrimp! And two plastic lobsters!

  Captain McAllister : 'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!

  Captain McAllister : [He approaches Homer/Marge's table]  Six bells! Time for closin'!

  Homer : [with mouth full]  Can't talk. Eating.

  Captain McAllister : Fairly warned be thee, says I!

  [Captain McAlister snaps his fingers. The waitstaff forcibly remove Homer from the table and drag him outside. However, Homer breaks free and runs back inside to shovel more food in his mouth. Again, the waitstaff drag him away] 

  Homer : [whining]  But the sign said "All you can eat!"

• Barney : [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's]  Uh-oh, my heart just stopped.

  [pauses] 

  Barney : Oh, there it goes.

• Bart : Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman?

  Abe Simpson : I fell in love with the OLDEST woman. A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.

  Bart : Wow. What happened?

  Abe Simpson : She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough.

• [answering a prank phone call from Bart] 

  Moe : Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.

  [calling out] 

  Moe : Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?

  [whole bar bursts into laughter] 

  Barney : Maybe your standards are too high!

  Moe : [into phone]  You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

• Flying Dutchman Waiter #2 : And for you sir?

  Homer : All you can eat! All you can eat!

  Flying Dutchman Waiter #2 : Now, when you're ready take this plate up and...

  Homer : [already at buffet taking out a steam tray] 

  Flying Dutchman Chef : [panicking]  No sir! Don't take the steam tray!

• Kabul Restaurant Employee #1 : [at the very quiet Two Guys from Kabul Restaurant, so quiet the only sound is the clock ticking] 

  Kabul Restaurant Employee #1 : Sometimes I think, you want to fail.

  Kabul Restaurant Employee #2 : Shut up, just shut up.

  [the phone suddenly rings and both the employees wrestle each other trying to get it first] 

• Homer : Son, a woman is a lot like...

  [sees the fridge] 

  Homer : a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, three-hundred pounds... they make ice and...

  [eyes his Duff] 

  Homer : No, actually a woman is a more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one.

  [chugs beer] 

  Homer : But you can't stop at one...

  [grabs another beer from the fridge] 

  Homer : you want to drink another woman.

  [10 beers later] 

  Homer : So I says; "Yeah? You want that money? Come and find it! 'Cause I don't know where it is, ya baloney! You... make me... wanna... wretch..."

  [passes out] 

• [Bart wants to learn about sex] 

  Homer : I think he should learn about it the way I did.

  [Flashback of Homer as a child, he is at a zoo watching monkeys] 

  Homer : Zookeeper!

  [points to monkeys] 

  Homer : Those two monkeys are killing each other!

  Zookeeper : [whispers in Homer's ear]  They're having sex.

  Homer : Oh...

• Bart : Dad, if there's a really special girl and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do?

  Homer : I *married* her!

  [grabs Marge and puts her on his lap; they giggle] 

  Marge : Homer, please!

  [hiccups] 

  Marge : I just had eggs.

• Moe : Oh, I better get back and check on Barney.

  Barney : [drinking beer straight from the tap]  Oh, oh, my heart stopped!

  [after about 10 seconds] 

  Barney : There it goes.

• Homer : "All you can eat", HA!

  [standing in Hutz' office] 

  Lionel Hutz : Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The Never Ending Story".

• Homer : [to Bart and Lisa]  Shut up, you little monsters!