- Sideshow Bob: I did it! I did it all! There! Is that what you want, you smarmy, little bastards?
- Bart: We want the truth!
- Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. Bah! I deride your truth-handling abilities!
- Birchibald T. Barlow: You know, there are three things we are never going to get rid of here in Springfield. One; the bats in the public library. Two; Mrs. McFierly's compost heap. And three; our six-term mayor. The illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat, Diamond Joe Quimby.
- Mayor Quimby: [listening to the radio, while watering his marijuana plants] Hey! I am no longer illiterate.
- Sideshow Bob: [Bob calls Birch Barlow's show during a prison riot] I am presently incarcerated, imprisoned for a crime I did not even commit. "Attempted murder," now honestly, did they ever give anyone a Nobel prize for "attempted chemistry?"
- [ducks a flying sink]
- Sideshow Bob: Oh really now, this is a personal call!
- Sideshow Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this, to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.
- Birchibald T. Barlow: [on the radio] I want all of you out there to do everything in your power to see that Bob is set free!
- Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man.
- [He takes a box out from under the bar]
- Moe Szyslak: Everybody, one grenade each.
- Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots, poltical action.
- Moe Szyslak: Really? You think? Okay, hand 'em back. Come on, everybody.
- [mad]
- Moe Szyslak: Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?
- Political Commercial Voiceover: Mayor Quimby supports revolving-door prisons. Mayor Quimby even released Sideshow Bob - a man twice convicted of attempted murder. Can you trust a man like Mayor Quimby? Vote Sideshow Bob for Mayor.
- Bart: Bart, your mortal enemy's on the radio!
- [Bart turns on the radio]
- Dr. Demento: It's time for more deeeeeeee-mentia, with Dr. Demento! And now, the funny five!
- [Bart yells and throws the radio out the window]
- Lisa: I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.
- Bart: Sideshow Bob? Oh, I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies!
- [walking around the cemetary, Lisa and Bart realize that Sideshoe Bob has falsified voting returns with the names of deceased persons]
- Lisa: [sees Snowball I's gravestone] Oh, my poor dead kitty, not you too!
- [she looks at the voting list: "SNOWBALL I."]
- Lisa: All right, Bob! NOW it's personal!
- Bart: Hey! Uh, he did try to kill me.
- Homer Simpson: Huuummm. I don't agree with his Bart killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma killing policy.
- [in the voting booth deciding to vote for Bob or not]
- Larry King: Now even though we're being broadcast on... FOX, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.
- [the entire audience hoots and hollers obnoxiously]
- Kent Brockman: Alright, let's go live to Bob headquarters now, for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.
- Sideshow Bob: [approaches podium] Ahem. Heh, heh, heh. Hah, hah hah, hah hah!
- [laughter grows progressively more maniacal]
- Sideshow Bob: HA! HA HA HA HA HA! HAAA! HAAA! HAAA! HAAAA!
- Kent Brockman: And just look how happy he is.
- Jimbo Jones: [after wrapping up Milhouse in "VOTE QUIMBY" bumper stickers and placing him in a shopping cart] All right! Mummy's ready for his mystical journey!
- [pushes the shopping cart down a hill]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Aaaaah! What's happening?
- Moe Szyslak: All right, you heard the man. One granade each.
- [handing out a granade fro ma box of granades, to each bar patron]
- Barney Gumble: Moe, I think he meant through non-violent grassroots political action.
- Moe Szyslak: Ah, geez, really, you think so? All right - give 'em back. Come on, everybody give 'em back. Hey, HEY! Who pulled the pin on this one?
- [after Bob's election, the Simpsons awake to find a wrecking crew outside their house]
- Sideshow Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson, but your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway. Now, I am a fair man. You may have 72 hours to vacate. After which time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.
- [after Bob's election]
- Principal Skinner: Bart, by special order of the Mayor's office, you're being held back.
- Bart: Oh, I have to repeat the fourth grade?
- Principal Skinner: Yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.
- Bart: Kindergarten?
- Mrs. Krabappel: [pops champagne] Ha!
- Homer Simpson: [Homer blowing Smithers' cover by illuminating him with the headlights of his car] Hey, Mr Smithers!
- Mayor Quimby: Very well. If that is the way the winds are blowing, let no one say that I don't also blow.
- Birchibald T. Barlow: [listening to Sideshow Bob's imprisonment story] Well, my friends, isn't this just typical? Another intelligent conservative railroaded by our liberal justice system. Just like...
- [pulls out a list]
- Birchibald T. Barlow: Colonel Oliver North, Officer Stacey Koon and cartoon spokesperson Joe Camel. Well, I've had it! I'm gonna make it my mission to see that our friend Bob is set free!
- Bart: [listening to Barlow on the radio] NOOOOO!
- Mrs. Krabappel: [offended by Bart's yell] Well! Despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.
- Moose Mason: [Homer just got thrown out of a car filled with Archie Andrews and his friends] Duh, stay outta Riverdale!