The Simpsons (TV Series)
The Springfield Files (1997)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Hans Moleman, Santa's Little Helper, Snowball II, Barney, Grampa, Squeaky-Voiced Teen, Hot Dog Vendor, Krusty, Groundskeeper Willie, Pyromaniac, Alf, Chewbacca
Photos
Quotes
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Alien : I bring you love.
Lenny : It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
Carl : Break its legs.
[everyone starts to advance on the alien]
Lisa : Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.
[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]
Mr. Burns : [in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.
Willy : Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
Smithers : It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!
Willy : Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!
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Mulder : All right, Homer, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien.
Homer : Well, the evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully : Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer : We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You happy?
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Homer : I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
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Homer : [Using a trick he learned watching a certain movie] I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to *speed* around the city, keeping its *speed* over fifty, and if its *speed* dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
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Marge Simpson : Have you been drinking?
Homer : No! Well, ten beers.
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Homer : I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying, but NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.
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Chief Wiggum : Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
[pantomiming doing so, humming]
Homer : You don't have to humiliate me.
Pyromaniac : [entering as Homer leaves] I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Chief Wiggum : Oh, yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
[pantomiming again, humming]
Chief Wiggum : Fruitcake.
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Homer : Oh, Marge, I never felt so alone. No one believes me.
[pause]
Homer : Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer."
Marge Simpson : I don't believe you, Homer.
Homer : You do? Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy.
Marge Simpson : You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear.
Homer : Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.
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Bart Simpson : Hey, dad. What's the word from planet crackpot?
Homer Simpson : Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me, too.
Bart Simpson : Well, actually, dad, I believe you.
Homer Simpson : You do?
Bart Simpson : Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.
Homer Simpson : Thank you, son. And do you think you could stop the casual swearing?
Bart Simpson : Hell, yes.
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Grampa : For the love of God, help me! I've been here for four days, and a turtle's got a hold of my teeth. There he is!
[chasing the turtle, moving just as slow]
Grampa : Come back here, you. Slow down. I'll get you.
Scully : This is the worst assignment we've ever had.
Mulder : Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus?
Grampa : [the turtle bites him] Ow! He bit me with my own teeth!
Scully : No, this is much more irritating.
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Bart Simpson : Yo, dad, can I have a sip of your beer?
Homer Simpson : Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.
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[last lines]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen : [closing the book] And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skis.
[points up]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen : Uh skies.
[the X Files theme plays]
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Homer : This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart Simpson : What if we don't?
Homer : We'll fake it and sell it to the FOX network.
Bart Simpson : They'll buy anything.
Homer : Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
[both burst out laughing]
Homer : I kill me.
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Homer : So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
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Homer : Take a look at this, Lisa. You don't see any "Homer is a dope" T-shirts, do you?
Sarcastic worker : We sold those out in five minutes.
Homer : D'oh!
[seeing Marge and Maggie wearing one]
Homer : Marge, how could you?
Marge Simpson : These shirts are 100% cotton, and look at the fine stitching on "dope".
Homer : [to the vendor] I'll take two.
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Leonard Nimoy : [finishing Homer's 'story'] And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night.
Squeaky-Voiced Teen : Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.
Leonard Nimoy : Oh. Uh, fine. Well, let me just get, uh, something out of my car.
[Nimoy runs out of the room; a car door is heard slamming and the tires are heard peeling away]
Squeaky-Voiced Teen : [entering the shot] I don't think he's coming back.
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Alien : I bring you peace.
Homer : As a representative of planet Earth, let me be the first to say...
[realizing his leg is on fire, he screams and tries to put it out]
Homer : [the alien leaves] D'oh! It's gone. And we still don't have any proof.
Bart Simpson : [holding up Flanders' camcorder] Oh, yes, we do. I got it all on tape.
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Lisa : Dad, according to "Junior Skeptic Magazine", the chances are 175 million to 1 of another form of life actually coming in contact with ours.
Homer : So?
Lisa : It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh, and you, dad.
[she chuckles nervously]
Bart Simpson : [coming in with a Super Soaker, improvised antennae on a helmet, and droopy-eye spring glasses] I am the thing from Uranus.
Homer : [whimpering, then realizing] Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked by my own children. On my birthday.
Bart Simpson : It's your birthday?
Homer : Yes. Remember? It's the same day as the dog's.
Lisa : [the family begins cuddling and petting the dog] Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday? Ooh, we've got to get you a present. Yes, we do. Yes, we do.
Bart Simpson : We love you, boy.
Marge Simpson : Good doggy. Good doggy.
Homer : [muttering under his breath] Lousy, loveable dog.
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Homer : I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet.
Lisa : Maybe you just dreamed it.
Homer : Oh, yeah? Well, when I came to, I was covered with a sticky, translucent goo. Explain that.
Marge Simpson : [serving breakfast] More sausage?
[he begins drooling]
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Kent Brockman : Tonight, on "Eyewitness News," a man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up.
Coma patient : [in his hospital bed] Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show?
Kent Brockman : No. Uh, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman.
Coma patient : Good night!
[his heart rate monitor flatlines]
Kent Brockman : [back in the studio] But first, E.T. phone Homer... Simpson, that is.
Homer : Marge! Kids! They're about to show my videotape.
Kent Brockman : Local man Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamppost, has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter of the blurred kind.
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Moe : Another Duff, Homer?
Homer : Nah. It's Friday night, Moe. I want to try something special.
Moe : Uh, sure, sure.
[surreptitiously drawing an umlaut over the "U"]
Moe : Eh, here you go. "Doof." From Sweden.
Homer : [taking a sip] Skoal! Wait a minute. This is Duff!
Moe : [laughing nervously] You got me, didn't you? All right, here you go. Red Tick Beer.
Homer : [taking a sip] Hmm. Bold, refreshing. And something I can't quite put my finger on.
[cut to a Red Tick brewery, where dogs swim in a vat of beer]
Red Tick Beer Man : [taste-testing some] Hmm... needs more dog.
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Bart Simpson : Well, Lise, what do you think about the alien now?
Lisa : I think there must be a more logical explanation, and I think the people of this town aren't going to be won over by three seconds of videotape.
Homer : [hearing the doorbell, he opens the front door to see a group of townspeople outside] Uh... I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all.
[Dr. Hibbert raises his hand]
Homer : Dr. Hibbert?
Dr. Hibbert : Yes, is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based?
Homer : Uh... the second one. Zilliphone. Next question.
Barney : Is the alien Santa Claus?
Homer : Uh... yes.
Ned Flanders : Uh, were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane?
Homer : This interview is over!
[as he goes back inside and slams the door, said weather vane falls to the ground]
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Scully : Mr. Simpson, look at this lineup and tell us if any of these are the aliens you saw.
Alf : [in line with Marvin the Martian, Chewbacca, either Kang or Kodos, and Gort from "The Day the Earth Stood Still"] Yo!
Homer : No, I'm sorry.
Marvin the Martian : [grumbling as they all leave] Oh, this makes me very angry.
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Homer : I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy. Unless you're feeling amorous.
[playful growl]
Marge Simpson : [trying to get to sleep] No, I'm not.
Homer : [getting out of bed] Well, then, good night.
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Homer Simpson : [describing his encounter with the alien] Oh, it was awful. They sat me on a cold, metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes. And... oh, wait, that was my physical.
Carl : [sarcastically] Great story Homer, really.
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Homer : I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
