- Marge Simpson: [Homer tries his first medical marijuana in the bedroom, the smoke comes through the closed door and downstairs to where Marge, Lisa, and Bart are] What is that billowing down the stairs?
- [Gasps]
- Marge Simpson: It's smoke!
- Lisa Simpson: [Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.
- Otto Mann: [both stoned; watching "The Three Stooges"] Hey, "Shemp" spelled backwards is "Hemp"!
- [laughs]
- Homer Simpson: And Otto spelled backwards is "Otto"!
- [laughs]
- Otto Mann: Now I'm scared.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, I thought you didn't like Lisa's saxophone.
- Homer Simpson: I didn't. But now, daddy's special medicine-
- [menacingly]
- Homer Simpson: which you must never use because it will ruin your life- lets daddy see and hear magical things that you will never experience... ever!
- [Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]
- Moe Szyslak: All right, get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.
- [Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]
- Moe Szyslak: See? They got their little stools and everything.
- Homer Simpson: [thinking as he is watching Lisa play her sax] Wow, that sax would make a great pipe.
- Lisa Simpson: Mom, my potato is eating a carrot
- [All are watching a huge potato eating a carrot that tries to escape on its own]
- Marge Simpson: [Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom] Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night.
- Homer Simpson: It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.
- Marge Simpson: I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.
- Marge Simpson: [Homer comes home with a new suit] Where did you get that suit?
- Homer Simpson: Woah, woah, one question at a time.
- [Points to Marge]
- Homer Simpson: Yes, you?
- Marge Simpson: Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.
- Homer Simpson: Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis!
- [Homer walks away]
- Homer Simpson: We have a kitchen?
- [Homer reads label on medicinal pot]
- Homer: Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.
- Homer Simpson: [stoned, at work on the phone] Marge! I just realized. I am the "ow" in the word "now."
- [Angrily]
- Homer Simpson: And if you tell anyone...!
- [Homer is getting stitches in his eyes]
- Homer: I hate getting stitches in my eye. Stupid crows.
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.
- [to Homer]
- Mr. Burns: Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
- Waylon Smithers: Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.
- Homer Simpson: But isn't marijuana or "dope" illegal?
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: Only for those who enjoy it! Medical use of marijuana is legal in this state. We'll also provide you with a prescription bong - you want the wizard or the skull?
- [Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana]
- Bart: Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax.
- Homer: I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER.