- Kimberlee Clark: Prison mail? Why are prisoners writing to us?
- Notch Johnson: It's my Notch Johnson state pen pal program.
- Chip Rommel: Wow! Look at the size of Porcelain's pile. Where is she, anyway?
- Kimberlee Clark: Oh, she called in "sick". She must have had an audition.
- Notch Johnson: She's sick and she's auditioning? Now that's commitment.
- B.J. Cummings: I'm down to only one letter. From a guy who's into pregnant chicks. Eww, the pages are all stuck together. Where does he get off?
- Mrs. Strawther: Rumor has it that you have some really juicy dirt to lay on us.
- Porcelain Bidet: Praise the Lord, I sure do! I was recently stunned to find out that a colleague of mine is pregnant. But get this: she's carrying the baby out of wedlock. And she doesn't even know who the father is.
- B.J. Cummings: [watching on TV] I wonder who she's talking about.
- Porcelain Bidet: It's you, B.J. Watch.
- Mrs. Strawther: Heavens to Pat Robertson! What is this heathen hussy's name?
- Porcelain Bidet: [holding up a photograph] Her name is B.J. Cummings.
- B.J. Cummings: Oh, my god! Look how thin I was! I was hot!