- Judge Howard Doody: Who is the prosecuting attorney?
- 'Divine Rod' Petrie: [entering] I, Rod Petrie, formerly known as the Divine Rod, proudly represents the United States of America.
- Notch Johnson: The Divine Rod? But you're a master criminal, a pornographer, and a sex fiend.
- 'Divine Rod' Petrie: Yeah, well, now I'm a lawyer.
- Notch Johnson: Just when I thought you couldn't sink any lower.
- Kimberlee Clark: You're supposed to be in jail! How did you become a lawyer?
- 'Divine Rod' Petrie: I learned from the best, baby. My cell was right next to F. Lee Bailey's.
- Judge Howard Doody: Who is the defense attorney?
- Notch Johnson: I'm representing Notch Johnson.
- Judge Howard Doody: Mr. Johnson, any man who defends himself has a fool for a client.
- Notch Johnson: Thanks, Your Highness. I appreciate the compliment.
- Judge Howard Doody: I will now send this case to the jury.
- Jury Foreman: Gee, what's the point? You know he's guilty.
- Judge Howard Doody: Just go off and make it look like you've talked about it.