The Sopranos (TV Series)

The Happy Wanderer (2000)

James Gandolfini: Tony Soprano

Photos 

Quotes 

• Silvio Dante : [losing at poker as Matt Bevilaqua tries to sweep up the crumbs under his chair]  What the fuck are YOU doing?

  Tony Soprano : Sil, take it easy.

  Silvio Dante : I'm losing my balls over heeeere! This fuckin' moron's playing Hazel? Get the fuck outta here!

  Matt Bevilaqua : I was just trying to sweep the cheese away from...

  Silvio Dante : Why? Why NOW? Leave it there!

  Matt Bevilaqua : I don't know, I was just...

  Silvio Dante : What?

  [to Tony] 

  Silvio Dante : Where do you get these fuckin' idiots, huh? Where do you get 'em? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying ta...

  [to Matt, shouting] 

  Silvio Dante : Leave the fuckin' cheese there! All right? I love fuckin' cheese at my feet! I stick motherfuckin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning! All right? So leave the fuckin' cocksuckin' cheese WHERE IT IS!

  [Scoops the rest of the food from his plate onto the floor] 

  Silvio Dante : Here, here, here! Go ahead. Have a good time!

  [Sits back down to make a bet] 

  Silvio Dante : 800.

  Dr. Ira Freid : Call.

  Silvio Dante : [to Dr. Fried]  And why don't you go fix a fuckin' dick or whatever the fuck it is you do.

• Corrado 'Junior' Soprano : He was my younger brother. He was between me and your father in age. His name was Eckley. Actually, Ercoli. Hercules. Named after my grandfather.

  Tony Soprano : What are you saying? I got another uncle?

  Corrado 'Junior' Soprano : Sharp as a fucking cue ball. Yeah, I'm saying. Your father and me had a brother you didn't know about. It was different in those days. Mother and father didn't even speak the language. They couldn't take care of a kid like that. God bless your grandmother. She went to every charity home in this fucking state till she found one that she felt would take good care of him.

  Tony Soprano : What are you saying, he was retarded?

  Corrado 'Junior' Soprano : Why don't you go fuck yourself. He was slow! He was strong as a fucking bull, handsome like George Raft. If it was today, they might have trained him. Get him a job. They didn't understand these things back then.

  Tony Soprano : I remember my mother and father arguing about - something. I don't know. She kept talking about my father's feeble-minded brother, but I always thought she meant you.

• Tony Soprano : [Meadow refusing to accept a SUV from Tony as a gift]  You don't want it? Fine, don't take it but I'll eat it before I give it back what am I a sucker? The guy owed me money and he did the right thing and offered the car as partial payment, you want to act holier than now? You right ahead but I'm not giving it back ,I'm going to take it and sell it to Pussy and use the money to buy clothes and food and shoes and cd players and all the rest of this shit I've been buying since the day you were born, everything this family has comes from the work I do a grown man made a wager, he lost he made another one, he lost again end of story, so take that high moral ground and sleep at the fucking bus station if you want

• Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Do you want to tell me what your thinking?

  Tony Soprano : Believe me, you don't want to know. You want to know what I'm thinking? Seriously?

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : [Nods] 

  Tony Soprano : I'm thinking I'd like to take a brick and smash your fuckin face into fuckin hamburger

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : OK

  Tony Soprano : Don't worry, I know I broke your coffee table and it's not going to happen again but you asked: I told

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : But you'd like to smash my face

  Tony Soprano : Not really, it's just a way of describing how I'm feeling

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Do you think making hamburger out of me would make me feel better?

  Tony Soprano : Mother of Christ, is this a "woman thing"? You asked me how I'm feeling. I tell you how I'm feeling and now your going to torture me with it. I don't know who I'm angry at, I'm just angry ok? I mean why the fuck am I here? I even asked to come back. I got the world by the balls and I can't stop feeling like a fuckin loser

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Who makes you feel like a loser? Your mother?

  Tony Soprano : Please, we wasted enough oxygen on that one. It's everything and everybody. I see some guy walking down the street with a clear head. You know the type, his always fuckin whistling, like the happy wanderer. I just want to go up to him and rip his throat open. I want to fuckin grab him and pummel him for no reason, why should I give a shit if a guy's got a clear head? I should say "good for you."

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Let's get back to smashing my face

  Tony Soprano : [Annoyed, leans back on his chair and moans]  Jesus Christ

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : No, I think it all ties in

  Tony Soprano : Alright, sometimes I resent you making me feel like a victim that's all

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : I make you feel like a victim?

  Tony Soprano : Yeah, remember the first time I came here? I said the kind of man I admire is Gary Cooper: the strong silent type and how all Americans are crying and confessing, complaining, a bunch of fuckin pussies, fuck them, and now I'm one of them: a patient

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Your parents made it impossible for you to experience joy

  Tony Soprano : Yeah, see? There you go again

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : You said yourself your not the happy wanderer

  Tony Soprano : Well I'm more like one of those assholes, fuckin jerk offs, and douche bags I see leaving this office

• Richie Aprile : [Referring to David Scatino, while they walk outside the motel to talk privately]  I shut him the fuck down, he comes here and sticks it up my ass?

  Tony Soprano : What's that got to do with you disrespecting my game?

  Richie Aprile : Like you wouldn't do anything different

  Tony Soprano : Your fuckin right

  Richie Aprile : You know I'm getting sick of this "holier than now" act and I'm not the only one

  Tony Soprano : Oh really? Well, if anybody wants to make a move

  Richie Aprile : don't get so fuckin dramatic all, I'm saying is sometimes you act like your in a different business, now send that little prick out so I can talk to him

  Tony Soprano : No

  Richie Aprile : [Referring to the amount of money David owes Richie]  you realize this mother-less fuck is into me for over eight large? His got money to play here? Let him me pay me my money. Send him out

  Tony Soprano : You go home Richie, this isn't going to happen to one of my players

• David Scatino : Listen, I heard through the grapevine that you're taking over your uncle's game, you know the big one?

  Tony Soprano : [Referring to the song by Creedence Clearwater Revival]  grapevine? You know if you listen closely to that song, it says believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see

  David Scatino : No, you know me, it's just... I like to play a little

  Tony Soprano : [confused]  a little?

  Tony Soprano : [realizing he wants to get in on the game]  forget it: this game's not for you

  David Scatino : I was thinkin I could get a kick?

  Tony Soprano : You're a nice guy I like you, ok? But trust me, this game's not for you. I don't want to see you get hurt: these guys, they play deep

  David Scatino : [referring to from his sporting goods store]  You know how many jockstraps I sold last week?

  Tony Soprano : Not enough for this game, ok? Forget it

• Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : [Before picking up a long dart]  it means "sit on this cocksucker."

  Tony Soprano : [Amused, while they all laugh]  five minutes from the can for the rest of my fuckin life and I'm laughing

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : You got it skip

• Tony Soprano : [while inside David Scatino's sporting goods store after business hours, referring to the police investigating the murder of Matt Bevilaqua]  if they do have something, why aren't they talking to you?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Give them time, they will

  Tony Soprano : [Referring to the charges they'll face]  murder, aiding, and racketeering

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : [On the possible sentence they'll receive]  Twenty to life

  Tony Soprano : [while Paulie and Furio enter the store, jokingly]  there they are: the Flaying Gavone Brothers

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : [to Tony]  not good, not good

  Tony Soprano : [Suddenly stands up and forcefully grabs Paulie by his shirt]  on my fuckin kids I will cut you, just tell me

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Take it easy Tone. It's fixable. First off it's not a rat

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Thank God

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : [to Pussy]  don't thank Him yet. There's an eyeball witness

  Tony Soprano : What're you talking about?

  Tony Soprano : [after kicking a table, to Pussy]  Jesus Christ! Shit! Did you see anybody? Did you see another living fuckin soul?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Fuck no

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Don't worry, it's only a mere bump in the road

  Tony Soprano : Oh, you're beautiful

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Do we know him?

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : My friend at the station only knows is that his a civilian. A flag saluting mother fucker

  Furio : [to Tony, unintentionally incorrectly using the Idiom "go on the lamb"]  Maybe you should lamb chop it for a while?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : I keep a suitcase in my trunk

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Yeah, tell us about it

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Hey, fuck all of you, bygones are never fuckin bygones

  Tony Soprano : This is a fuckin nightmare. I've got to move some cash around, if I going to lamb it I'm going away with a fuckin "package." I'm not going to be like Mickey Mcsuko. That poor prick had five fuckin minutes to run. He ended up in some rat infested motel down in Elvis country

  Furio : [to Paulie]  where is that?

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Anywhere there are no Jews or Italians

  Furio : I don't get it

  David Scatino : [after coming out of his office]  it's starting. It's fuckin starting

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Get back in your office David

  David Scatino : I'm opening my mail and it's a lawsuit, there's a fuckin lean on the building they're going to close me down

  Tony Soprano : Davey, not fuckin now ok?

  David Scatino : They're going to know after this it's fraud. I'm going to go to jail for this

  Tony Soprano : [Angrily stomps towards David while shouting]  get the fuck back in your fuckin hole now!

  Tony Soprano : [after calming down, realizing they still David to continue their bust out scheme]  Davey, you're doing a good job

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : Don't worry about this witness T

  Furio : [In Italian]  that's true. We'll find him

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Exactly

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : You don't even know what he said

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : Fuck you. I did too

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : What then?

  Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bonpensiero : I understood

  Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri : What does it mean?

• David Scatino : [while in the bathroom]  hey, buddy

  Tony Soprano : I saw your wife out there alone, I figured you were out at the trotters

  David Scatino : Not tonight, I had a customer, I couldn't "shake". The guy spends half an hour deciding between a twenty dollar soccer ball and a twenty two dollar soccer ball. So who do you like?

  Tony Soprano : I don't know, I think that guy from Bowdoin seems to make sense, I guess?

  David Scatino : No, I meant on the game tonight

  Artie Bucco : [after entering the bathroom, jokingly]  you guys want to be alone?

  David Scatino : [to Artie]  I saw the refreshment table out there, I knew you'd be lurking around here somewhere

  Artie Bucco : I don't know how I always get "roped" into this shit

  Tony Soprano : Charmaine's no fool

  Tony Soprano : [Referring to one of Artie's pastries]  she knows one of your Sfogliatella in the right mouth and your daughter can go to any school she wants

  Artie Bucco : So far the janitor's the only one going near them

  Tony Soprano : [Jokingly]  that's a nice career path for a young lady

• Meadow Soprano : [after Tony interrupts Eric and Meadow practicing music]  do you mind? God

  Tony Soprano : [Angrily]  I'm trying to get some sleep, I've been working all night

  Tony Soprano : How you doing Eric?

  Eric Scatino : Pretty good

  Tony Soprano : [Referring to his guitar skills]  sounds good

  Eric Scatino : Thanks

  Meadow Soprano : Are you awake now?

  Tony Soprano : Yeah

  Meadow Soprano : Good, close the door

  Tony Soprano : [Irritated by her attitude]  hey! Where's your mother?

  Meadow Soprano : The store. Oh, aunt Barb called, uncle Tom's father died

  Tony Soprano : Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tom Sr.? When?

  Meadow Soprano : I don't know

  Tony Soprano : What the hell happened?

  Meadow Soprano : I don't know

  Tony Soprano : The guy's here almost every Christmas eve, you don't ask? Somebody says "Joe blow" died, nobody asks "how" or "what happened?"

  Tony Soprano : [while closing her door referring to her lack of respect]  Jesus

• Tony Soprano : [while talking privately in Junior's doctor's clinic]  so you ok with this?

  Corrado 'Junior' Soprano : Do I got a "choice"?

  Tony Soprano : [jokingly]  Yeah, you got a "choice", you can continue running the game

  Corrado 'Junior' Soprano : You know I'm under fuckin house arrest you "cute" fuck

  Tony Soprano : Well, then take the "bite" I give you and be happy: either way, I'm having the Executive Game

  Corrado 'Junior' Soprano : You know, your father and me started that game over thirty years ago, we were talking one day on how credit card companies you know, how they worked their "angle?" They didn't care what the fuck you bought: as long as you didn't pay all at once. They'd "juice" your debt and you'd thank them for letting you have one of their cards. There's a certain kind of player: that's why we call it the "Executive Game", my brother Johnny was one keen motherfucker

  Tony Soprano : [Sarcastically]  oh yeah, that's why he left us with Chee Chee Beans

  Corrado 'Junior' Soprano : [Amused]  you don't know what you're talking about. Your father left Livia with a "package" that could choke a fuckin elephant. I gotta tell you? She's like a woman with a Virginia ham under her arm and crying the blues because she has no bread. Please, they don't make them like Johnny

• David Scatino : [referring to Richie]  He was pissed

  Tony Soprano : I'm gonna let you sleep one day: then you're gonna get the fuck up and go get me my forty-five thousand dollars

  David Scatino : No problem. Jesus, how about the luck on that Silvio huh?

  Tony Soprano : Why don't you shut the fuck up?

  Tony Soprano : [after David tries to change the subject]  If after one day, if you don't give me every penny, I' m gonna send someone down to your joint every Saturday for five percent interest. If you don't have it, it gets "taxed" onto the principle. You understand?

  David Scatino : I had a good run there for a while, I should've quit then though huh?

  Tony Soprano : [irritated]  Would you like anything else?

• Tony Soprano : [referring to how Tom Giglione, Sr. died]  This gust of winds comes: knocks him off the roof, all for a satellite dish

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : That's very sad

  Tony Soprano : Yeah

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : How old?

  Tony Soprano : Sixty-five. the guy works his whole life, takes care of his family, does the "right thing." One day after he retires... it's freaky

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : [referring to the American writer]  Carlos Castaneda said " Live every moment as if it was your last dance on earth"

  Tony Soprano : [mistaking Castaneda for Carlos Monzón, a boxer]  Who the fuck listens to prize fighters? Ali maybe? He had a little wisdom

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Well, at least Tom Sr. isn't the happy wanderer anymore

  Tony Soprano : What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : He got "his", you don't have to pummel his ass: his joined the ranks of the unlucky

  Tony Soprano : Maybe you know what you're talking about but I don't

  Tony Soprano : [changing the subject]  I found out I had another uncle: a retarded uncle... my father's brother that nobody told me about. you believe this shit?

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Was he seriously developed mentally disabled?

  Tony Soprano : serious? No he had everybody in stitches back then

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Now that you found out about a retarded family member, do you feel better about coming here?

  Tony Soprano : [confused]  What?

  Dr. Jennifer Melfi : Is it permissible now? Is it enough of a sad tragedy that you can join the douche bags?

• Tony Soprano : [surprised to see him]  what the hell are you doing here?

  David Scatino : hey, I was driving by I thought I'd stop and say hello. This is some place you got here

  Tony Soprano : [jokingly]  yeah, a regular Taj Mahal

  David Scatino : so, what's the game?

  Tony Soprano : seven card

  David Scatino : was that Frank Sinatra Jr. i saw in there?

  Tony Soprano : yeah, he's a friend of my uncle: he flies in

  David Scatino : wow, this really is an Executive Game. So, what'd you think?

  Tony Soprano : [assuming David's asking if Frank Jr. looks like Frank Sr]  there's a resemblance

  David Scatino : no, I mean the game. You think I can take these guys or what?

  Tony Soprano : this isn't a game for you

  David Scatino : oh, come on, what are the chances of me getting close to a game like this again? come on, let me sit in just once

  Tony Soprano : I don't do business with outside friends, you understand?

  David Scatino : [jokingly]  hey, do I have to show your high school prom picture to these guys? all kidding aside, I appreciate your position but come on, I'm a big boy

  Tony Soprano : [referring to how much money David is carrying at the moment]  what're you holding?

  David Scatino : I didn't really expect to gamble tonight

  Tony Soprano : you need five G's just to sit in this game

  David Scatino : [referring to a loan]  can't you "float" me? you know, short term?

  Tony Soprano : [sternly, referring to there will be repercussions if he doesn't pay the loan back on time and in full]  don't say "short" if you don't mean "short", all kidding aside, you understand what I'm saying to you?

  David Scatino : [reminding Tony he runs and owns a sporting goods store]  yeah, of course. Hey, you don't have to explain "business" to me