- Captain Kirk: Well, opinions?
- Chekov: I think we're in a lot of trouble.
- Captain Kirk: That's a great help, Mr. Chekov. Bones?
- McCoy: I think Chekov's right, we are in a lot of trouble.
- Captain Kirk: Spock, and if you say we're in a lot of trouble...
- Spock: We are.
- [trying to confuse an android]
- Spock: Logic is a little tweeting bird chirping in a meadow. Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers which smell *bad*. Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Now listen, Spock, you may be a wonderful science officer but, believe me, you couldn't sell fake patents to your mother!
- Spock: I fail to understand why I should care to induce my mother to purchase falsified patents.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: [explaining his latest trouble] I, uh... sold the Denebians all the rights to a Vulcan fuel synthesizer.
- Capt. Kirk: And the Denebians contacted the Vulcans.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: How'd you know?
- Capt. Kirk: That's what I would have done.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Oh. It's a typical police mentality. They've got no sense of humour; they arrested me!
- McCoy: Oh, I find that shocking.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Worse than that! Do you know what the penalty for fraud is on Deneb 5?
- Spock: Guilty party has his choice. Death by electrocution, death by gas, death by phaser, death by hanging...
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: The key word in your entire peroration, Mr. Spock, was... d-d-d-DEATH. Barbarians! Well, of course I... left.
- Capt. Kirk: [to the others] He broke jail.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: I, ah, borrowed transportation...
- Capt. Kirk: He stole a spaceship.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: ...the patrol reacted in a hostile manner...
- Capt. Kirk: They fired at him!
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: They've got no respect for private property - they damaged the bloody spaceship! Well, I... I got away, but I couldn't navigate, so I wandered out through unmapped space. And here I found... Mudd!
- McCoy: [talking about Norman] There's something wrong about a man who never smiles, and whose conversation never varies from the routine of the job, and who won't talk about his background.
- Spock: I see.
- McCoy: Spock... I mean, that it's, uh... it's odd for a non-Vulcan. Um... the ears make all the difference.
- McCoy: Well, you must be very unhappy, Mr. Spock.
- Spock: That is a human emotion, Doctor, with which I am totally unfamiliar. How could I be "unhappy?"
- McCoy: Well, we found a whole world of minds that work just like yours - logical, unemotional, completely pragmatic - and we poor, irrational humans whipped them in a fair fight. Now you'll find yourself back among us illogical humans again.
- Spock: Which I find eminently satisfactory, Doctor, for *nowhere* am I so *desperately* needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.
- Alice #1 through 250: You desire something else, lord?
- Chekov: What a shame you're not real.
- Alice #251 through 500: We are real, my lord.
- Chekov: Oh, I mean 'real girls'.
- Alice #1 through 250: We are programmed to function as human females, lord.
- Chekov: You are?
- Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: [In unison] Yes, my lord.
- Chekov: Harry Mudd programmed you?
- Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: [in unison] Yes, my lord.
- Chekov: That unprincipled, evil-minded, lecherous, kulak, Harry Mudd programmed you?
- Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: [In unison] Yes, my lord.
- Chekov: This place is even better than Leningrad.
- Norman: If you do not come with me, your engines will be destroyed and you will remain in orbit here, forever.
- Capt. Kirk: I must say that's a gracious invitation.
- Norman: There is a word. Among us there is no corresponding meaning, but it seems to mean something to you humans.
- Capt. Kirk: And what is that word?
- Norman: Please.
- McCoy: [mechanically] You offer us only well-being.
- Scott: [mechanically] Food and drink and happiness mean nothing to us.
- McCoy: We must be about our job.
- Scott: Suffering in torment and pain, laboring without end.
- McCoy: Dying and crying and lamenting over our burdens.
- McCoy, Scott: [together] Only this way can we... be... happy.
- [They curtsey sweetly]
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: [Surrounded by several Stella androids, each complaining to Harry] You can't do this to me, Kirk. It's inhuman!
- Spock: You went to substantial risk and effort to bring a starship here. Logically, you must have a compelling motive.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: [Smile fades] Spock, you're going to love it here. They all talk just the way you do.
- Alice #251 through 500: Do you require something, lord?
- Capt. Kirk: No. Yes! My ship.
- Alice #251 through 500: I am not programmed...
- Alice #251 through 500, Capt. Kirk: [together] ... to respond in that area.
- Capt. Kirk: Yes, I know.
- Alice #251 through 500: Is there anything *any* of you require to please you?
- Capt. Kirk: Alice, give us back our ship to please us. Return us to our ship because we desire it.
- Alice #251 through 500: We are programmed to serve. We shall serve you to your best interests to make you happy.
- Capt. Kirk: But we're unhappy here.
- Alice #251 through 500: Please explain "unhappy."
- Spock: Unhappiness is the state which occurs in the human when wants and desires are not fulfilled.
- Alice #251 through 500: Which wants and desires of yours are not fulfilled?
- Capt. Kirk: We want the Enterprise.
- Alice #251 through 500: [her badge number starts to flash] The Enterprise is not a want or a desire. It is a mechanical device.
- Capt. Kirk: No, it's a beautiful lady and we love her!
- Alice #251 through 500: [badge light remains on] Illogical, illogical. All units relate. All units. Norman, coordinate.
- Chekov: You know this man, Captain?
- Captain Kirk: Oh, do I know him? Harcourt Fenton Mudd. Thief.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Oh, come now.
- Captain Kirk: Swindler and con man.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Entrepreneur.
- Captain Kirk: Liar and rogue.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Did I leave you with that impression?
- Alice #1 through 250: We have a very extensive library section for your amusement.
- Alice #251 through 500: Our research laboratories and workshops are extremely well equipped.
- Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: You are free to visit them.
- Captain Kirk: All right, we might later. In the mean time, would you mind leaving us?
- Alice #1 through 250, Alice #251 through 500: Why should we leave you?
- Captain Kirk: Because... we don't like you.
- Captain Kirk: What is a man but that lofty spirit, that sense of enterprise, that devotion for something that cannot be sensed, cannot be realized but only dreamed, the highest reality?
- Captain Kirk: Who caught you?
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: That, sir, is an outrageous assumption!
- Captain Kirk: Yes. Who caught you?
- [trying to confuse an android]
- Captain Kirk: Everything Harry tells you is a lie. Remember that. Everything Harry tells you is a lie.
- Harcourt Fenton Mudd: Now listen to this carefully, Norman. I am... lying.
- Norman: You say you are lying, but if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth, but you cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie, but you lie... You tell the truth but you cannot for you lie... illogical! Illogical! Please explain! You are human. Only humans can explain their behavior! Please explain!
- Captain Kirk: [giving him the same statement the androids have repeatedly given him several times before] I am not programmed to respond in that area.
- McCoy: All right, it's worked so far, but we're not out yet.
- Captain Kirk: [to Spock as he enters] Well?
- Spock: Success, Captain. We've been pruning the leaves and branches of the tree, now it is time to get to work on the root.
- Captain Kirk: Scotty! Scotty's dead! He had too much happiness. But now he's happier, he's dead. And we'll miss him.
- Dr. McCoy: [referring to large darkened pane on wall] Harry, what's this?
- Harry Mudd: [pressing button by pane to reveal Stella android] Ah. That, gentlemen, is a shrine to the memory of my beloved Stella.
- Capt. Kirk: Who?
- Harry Mudd: Stella, my wife.
- Dr. McCoy: Dead?
- Harry Mudd: Oh, no, no, no, merely deserted. You see, gentlemen, behind every great man there is a woman, urging him on. And so it was with my Stella. She urged me on into outer space. Not that she meant to.
- [with increasing irritation]
- Harry Mudd: But with her continual, eternal, confounded nagging--well, I think of her constantly, and every time I do, I go further out into space.
- Dr. McCoy: That's very interesting. You leave your wife and then bring her along.
- Harry Mudd: I had the androids construct a perfect replica of Stella, so that I could gaze upon her, and rejoice in her absence. Gentlemen, attend. Stella, dear...
- Stella Mudd: [switching on, angrily] Mm, Harcourt? Harcourt Fenton Mudd, what have you been up to? Nothing good, I'm sure. Well let me tell you, you lazy, good-for-nothing...
- Harry Mudd: Shut up!
- Stella Mudd: [switching off] Nothing... thing... thing.
- Harry Mudd: Marvelous, isn't it? I finally have the last word with her...
- [to Kirk]
- Harry Mudd: and with you.
- Norman: We cannot allow any race as greedy and corruptible as yours to have free run of the galaxy.
- Spock: I'm curious, Norman. Just how do you intend to stop them?
- Norman: We shall serve them. Their kind will be eager to accept our service. Soon they will become completely dependent upon us.
- Alice #1 through 250: Their aggressive and acquisitive instincts will be under our control.
- Norman: We shall take care of them.
- Spock: Eminently practical.
- Captain Kirk: The whole galaxy controlled by your kind?
- Norman: Yes, Captain. And we shall serve them and you will be happy, and controlled.
- Uhura: Because I want an android body. I *want* immortality. I'll live forever, Captain. I'll be young and beautiful.