- Doctor Bashir: Nervous, Chief?
- Chief O'Brien: What're you talking about?
- Doctor Bashir: That's your fifth cup of coffee in twenty minutes.
- Chief O'Brien: I didn't realize you were keeping track.
- Doctor Bashir: Oh, nervous and irascible.
- Chief O'Brien: If you hadn't seen your wife and child for two months, you'd be irascible too.
- Doctor Bashir: Well, believe me, I'm looking forward to Keiko and Molly's visit as much as you are.
- Chief O'Brien: Ha-ha, I doubt that.
- Doctor Bashir: How many games of raquetball have we played in the last two months?
- Chief O'Brien: I don't know, um... Fifteen, maybe twenty?
- Doctor Bashir: No, try seventy. I've been keeping track of that, too. And you know what all those games have proved to me? That I'm a poor substitute for your wife.
- Chief O'Brien: I could've told you that sixty games ago.
- Lwaxana Troi: Dance with me, Odo.
- Odo: I'm sorry. I don't dance.
- Lwaxana Troi: Nonsense. I saw you moving to the music.
- Odo: That wasn't dancing. That was... swaying.
- Lwaxana Troi: Oh, then sway with me, Odo. Sway with me.
- Odo: I just remembered, I'm needed in security.
- Lwaxana Troi: I'll come with you.
- Major Kira: As the scrolls burn, may our troubles turn to ashes with them. And now, for the next twenty-six hours, I expect you all to enjoy yourselves! I know I will. May the Prophets walk with us.
- Chief O'Brien: Thing is, they're only gonna be here for two days. That's barely enough time to say hello. And then back to Bajor again for another four months.
- Doctor Bashir: Four months! Why, that's another 150 games of raquetball. I don't think my elbow can take that kind of abuse.
- [Kira joins O'Brien in front of an airlock waiting for the new arrivals]
- Major Kira: Chief.
- Chief O'Brien: Major. - Keiko.
- Major Kira: Ah. Bareil.
- Chief O'Brien: Good luck.
- Major Kira: You too.
- Vedek Bareil: I never expected Kai Winn to make me one of her principal advisers.
- Major Kira: I think she asks your advice just so that she can do the exact opposite of what you recommend.
- Vedek Bareil: [referring to Dax and Kira] I've never understood how the two of you could be such good friends. She's so... unpredictable. And you're so...
- Major Kira: Predictable?
- Vedek Bareil: Yeah, well, I didn't mean it like that.
- Lieutenant Jadzia Dax: Would you *please* stop following me!
- Vedek Bareil: Oh, gladly, if you'd just stop running away.
- Quark: Commander, you throw one hell of a party!
- [after Bareil has engaged Sisko in a fistfight and Dax in return knocked down the Vedek]
- Quark: That's right, genuine latinum-plated renewal scroll inscription pens, blessed by Vedek Redab himself, shortly before he passed away. Each pen is engraved with the words 'Deep Space Nine's Third Annual Gratitude Festival', today's date and a lovely portrait of the station, by Ermat Zimm. So, get them while you can! They're sure to become collector's items.
- [Quark's advertising slogan]
- Chief O'Brien: If you need to sleep, go ahead. I'll understand.
- Keiko O'Brien: No, you won't. You'll be disappointed and you'll start brooding and stomping around like an Andorian bull.
- Quark: Here - have a free pen.
- Chief O'Brien: What for?
- Quark: To write down your problems on a renewal scroll.
- Chief O'Brien: There isn't a scroll long enough for all my problems.
- Quark: Really? I thought you could sum them up with one word: Keiko.
- [Odo is briefing a Starfleet security officer when Lwaxana Troi enters his office]
- Lwaxana Troi: [to the security officer] Didn't they teach you any manners in Starfleet Academy? Be a dear, run along. The Constable and I have a lot of catching up to do.
- Odo: [also to the officer] Uh, come back in five minutes.
- Lwaxana Troi: Make that half an hour.
- Lwaxana Troi: I'm here to help you.
- Odo: What kind of help do you mean?
- Lwaxana Troi: Oh... well, a sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on - a lap to melt in...
- Major Kira: Now, Jake, what can I do for you?
- Jake Sisko: Er... Well, I need some advice. You see, there's this older woman and I, I think we're perfect for each other.
- Major Kira: Ah, and she doesn't.
- Jake Sisko: I don't know what she thinks.
- Major Kira: Well, Jake, my advice to you is to tell Mardah how you feel. That way you'll know...
- Jake Sisko: Mardah and I broke up.
- Major Kira: You broke up? Well then, who?
- Jake Sisko: *You*.
- Major Kira: ...Me?
- Jake Sisko: I love you, Nerys. Wannagooutwithme?
- Commander Sisko: Doctor, I need your help.
- Doctor Bashir: [in passionate embrace with Kira] And I need yours, too. You got to get me away from Kira, I can't... keep my hands...
- Major Kira: What's worse, I can't keep my hands off him!
- Doctor Bashir: Zanthi fever is a virus which affects the empathic abilities of, um... mature Betazoids.
- Doctor Bashir: A simple wide-spectrum antiviral agent should cure Mrs. Troi. And as for everyone else, well, they'll be back to normal in a day or two. Excuse me. I promised Nerys that I'd meet her in her quarters this evening.
- [he heads for the exit, but Sisko holds him back]
- Commander Sisko: I think you ought to postpone that visit... for a day or two.
- Keiko O'Brien: So you're sure Dr. Bashir said your test results were negative?
- Chief O'Brien: That's right. My headache was just a headache. I never was affected by Mrs. Troi.
- Keiko O'Brien: Well, I guess that means you don't have a latent attraction to me after all.
- Chief O'Brien: Nothing latent about it. Weren't you paying attention last night?
- Commander Sisko: [to Chief O'Brien about Quark] Easy, Chief. He doesn't know what he's doing.
- [points to Lwaxana, they all look at her]
- Lwaxana Troi: What are you looking at me for?
- [Cuts to sickbay]
- Lwaxana Troi: Zanthi Fever? Oh, that's ridiculous. That's impossible. That only affects older Betazoids.
- Doctor Bashir: That may be, but according to my tests, you show all the symptoms. Zanthi Fever is a virus which affects the empathic abilities of, uh, mature Betazoids. It causes them to project their emotions onto others.
- Commander Sisko: Then Mrs. Troi's amorous feelings for... someone on the station were being passed along to the people around her?
- Doctor Bashir: Not everyone. Only those within close proximity to her when she had an attack, and even then, they would've had to have been with some preexisting latent attraction.
- Commander Sisko: You're saying Dax...?
- Doctor Bashir: Only on a subconscious level. Best not to think about it too much if you ask me.
- Lwaxana Troi: I am terribly sorry, Commander. I hope I haven't caused too much trouble.
- Lwaxana Troi: [laughing] This is one Gratitude Festival they'll be talking about for a long time.
- Odo: I know I'll never forget it.
- Lwaxana Troi: I hope everything works out for you, Odo, with Major Kira.
- Odo: I... don't know what you mean.
- Lwaxana Troi: Oh, don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. After all, I know what it's like to be attracted to someone who doesn't necessarily feel the same way.
- [sighs]
- Lwaxana Troi: If you get tired if waiting for her...
- [kisses him]
- Lwaxana Troi: ... you know where to find me.
- Odo: I'll keep that in mind.
- Quark: You humans, you never learn. You let your women go out in public, hold jobs, wear clothing... and you wonder why your marriages fall apart.