- Lt. Tasha Yar: What I want now is gentleness. And joy... and love. From you, Data; you are fully functional, aren't you?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Of course, but...
- Lt. Tasha Yar: How fully?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: In every way, of course. I am programed in multiple techniques. A broad variety of pleasuring.
- Lt. Tasha Yar: Oh! You jewel, that's exactly what I hoped!
- Capt. Picard: [entering Crusher's office with a little skip] Beverly.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Yes, Jean-Luc?
- Capt. Picard: You will address me as 'Captain'.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: [laughs] Captain? Oh, well then, my dear Captain, you will address *me* as 'Chief Medical Officer' or 'Doctor'.
- Capt. Picard: I will? That's true. I started off by calling you Beverly, and, of course, naturally, you... I'm still not thinking straight.
- Capt. Picard: Now, Doctor.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I believe I've become infected myself, Captain.
- Capt. Picard: Do you know what the infection is?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: *giggles drunkenly*
- Capt. Picard: Come on, quickly!
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Sorry! It is definitely like alcohol intoxication. The same lack of good judgment. For example, right now, I find you extremely, extremely... Of course, we haven't time for that sort of thing.
- Capt. Picard: What sort of thing?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: *eying his body* Oh god would I love to show you!
- Capt. Picard: Doctor! There must a cure, some formula. Hmph! Similar to the old one.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Damn it! Damn it! Captain! *leaning in for a kiss* My dear Captain...
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: *following him* You owe me something! You do realize that, don't you? *unzips top* I'm a woman.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I haven't had the comfort of a husband, a man... ..
- Capt. Picard: Not now Doctor! Please!
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: We are more alike than unlike, my dear Captain. I have pores; humans have pores. I have... fingerprints; humans have fingerprints. My chemical nutrients are like your blood. If you prick me - do I not... leak?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: There was a rather peculiar limerick, being delivered by someone in the shuttlecraft bay. I am not sure I understand it... "There was a young lady from Venus, whose body was shaped like a... "
- Capt. Picard: Captain to Security, come in!
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Did I say something wrong?
- Lieutenant Worf: I don't understand their humor either.
- Woman on comm channel: Well, hello, Enterprise, welcome. I hope you have a lot of pretty boys on board. Because I'm willing, and waiting. In fact, we're going to have a real blowout here.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I believe that last sound was an emergency hatch being blown.
- Capt. Picard: Are you certain? Yes, of course you are.
- [Wesley has saved Enterprise from destruction with a repulsor beam]
- Commander William T. Riker: It's only fair to mention Wesley in a log entry, sir.
- Capt. Picard: Fair's fair. And let's credit his science teacher, too.
- Lt. Tasha Yar: You wanted me?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Captain Picard ordered me to escort you to Sickbay, Lieutenant.
- Lt. Tasha Yar: Did he say when?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I'm sure he meant now. So... you should get into uniform.
- Lt. Tasha Yar: But I got out of my uniform for you, Data.
- Commander William T. Riker: Data, I need help in locating some library computer information.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Specifics, sir?
- Commander William T. Riker: All I have is a vague memory of reading somewhere about someone taking a shower in his or her clothing.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Ah, the body Geordi discovered.
- Commander William T. Riker: Well, I believe it may have happened before.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: To someone, somewhere.
- Commander William T. Riker: This ought to be easy for someone written up in biomechanical texts.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: About that, sir. Did the doctor believe I was boasting?
- Commander William T. Riker: Probably. This may take some time?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: At least several hours. But what I said was a statement of fact. Perhaps she will look it up.
- Commander William T. Riker: You can depend on it.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Indications of what humans would call... a wild party.
- Commander William T. Riker: Yeah.
- [going to a wall display]
- Commander William T. Riker: Their bridge. If this thing works, be sure to record everything.
- [Data taps buttons to clarify the image]
- Commander William T. Riker: You were right. Somebody blew out the hatch. They were all sucked out into space.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Correction, sir. That's "blown out".
- Commander William T. Riker: [quasi-sarcastic] Thank you, Data.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: A common mistake, sir.
- Capt. Picard: You will now return control of this vessel to the bridge where it belongs, at once.
- Wesley Crusher: I'm sorry, sir. Why don't you just tell me what you want done and I'll do it.
- Capt. Picard: Because ship captains control their own vessels, young man!
- Wesley Crusher: But, sir, you don't do it yourself. You give the orders, but somebody else does it. What's wrong with giving me the orders to do it?
- Lieutenant Worf: Captain, getting unusual readings now from the dwarf star.
- Capt. Picard: Stand by on that for a moment.
- Capt. Picard: Wes, are you aware that you are behaving strangely? That a kind of... infection was brought over from the Tsiolkovsky which acts like intoxication?
- Wesley Crusher: Are you saying that's why I feel so hot and so strange?
- Capt. Picard: That's... that's a very adult bit of reasoning, Wesley.
- Wesley Crusher: So you mean I'm drunk! I feel strange but also good.
- Capt. Picard: Because... because you have lost the capacity for self-judgment. Now, alcohol does this, Wesley, but the contaminant we brought back from the Tsiolkovsky does it even more so.
- Wesley Crusher: What would you do if you got your ship back?
- Capt. Picard: Oh... it's very important I do, Wesley. Because I must immediately lock a tractor beam onto the Tsiolkovsky and tow it out of...
- Wesley Crusher: Tractor beams are my specialty, skipper! I'll contact you when that's done. Wesley out.
- [he ends the transmission]
- Lt. Tasha Yar: Do you know how old I was when I was abandoned?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Chronological age? No. I am afraid I am not familiar with...
- Lt. Tasha Yar: Five. Five years old. But I survived. I learned how to stay alive, how to avoid the rape gangs. I was fifteen before I escaped.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I am sorry. I did not know.
- Capt. Picard: Captain's log, stardate 41209.3. The strange contaminant that led to the deaths of the Tsiolkovsky crew is now aboard the Enterprise, and our engineering section has been commandeered by young Wesley Crusher.
- Wesley Crusher: And henceforth, a dessert course shall precede and follow every meal, including breakfast.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: If you were any more perfect, Data, I'd have to write you up in a Starfleet medical textbook.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: I am already listed in several bio-mechanical texts, Doctor.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Yes - of course...
- Capt. Picard: [voice, over intercom] Attention all decks, all divisions. Effective immediately, I have handed over control of this vessel to Acting Captain Wesley Crusher.
- Capt. Picard: [incensed] "Acting Captain"?
- Wesley Crusher: [over intercom] Thank you, Captain Picard, thank you. And with that order dawns a brave new day for the Enterprise.
- Capt. Picard: I put it to you all. I think we shall end up with a fine crew - if we avoid temptation.
- Capt. Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. We are downloading the research information gathered on the collapsing star nearby. I am concerned at being in such close orbit, but the Tsiolkovsky's research records will no doubt predict the time of the star's final collapse.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: You brought Deanna in.
- Commander William T. Riker: Yes, she's infected.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Then you touched her. Oh, God, and you touched me.
- [he moves to leave]
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Wait, I've got to quarantine you.
- Commander William T. Riker: If I don't get the command computer back online soon, none of this, whatever this is, will matter. We'll all be dead.
- Sarah MacDougal: Reporting as ordered, sir.
- Capt. Picard: What?
- Sarah MacDougal: You ordered me to report to the bridge, sir.
- Capt. Picard: I did no such thing. I want you down in the engine room just in case we need to move out of here.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: [treating Geordi] According to our medical readouts, there's still nothing wrong with him. He looks like he's running a temperature but every instrument we have says he's not.
- Capt. Picard: Doctor, every person on that ship over there died. Is there any chance that whatever did it is loose on my ship?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: If you mean a disease, sir, I'd say there's no chance of it. We used full decontamination. We examined every team member very carefully.
- Capt. Picard: The entire crew somehow managed to kill themselves, Doctor. If it's not a disease, what else made them do it?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: The obvious alternatives are in the areas of insanity and severe emotional upset. Troi, do you feel anything unusual in the Lieutenant?
- Capt. Picard: Security just told me that he was longing for normal sight. That's a sudden yearning for that.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Since his records show no previous mention of that, the fact that it happened now could be important. But all I sense from him is confusion. If I didn't know better, I'd say he was intoxicated.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Our tests would have shown that; also any other signs of drugs, hallucinogens, or any other contaminants.
- Capt. Picard: Captain's log, stardate 41209.2. We are running at warp 7 to rendezvous with the science vessel SS Tsiolkovsky, which has been routinely monitoring the collapse of a red supergiant star into a white dwarf. What has brought us here is a series of strange messages indicating something has gone wrong aboard the research vessel.
- Commander William T. Riker: Captain, I believe we have the answer to what happened over there.
- Capt. Picard: [looking over Data's shoulder] The Constitution-class Starship Enterprise, Captain James T. Kirk commanding.
- Commander William T. Riker: Similar conditions. They were monitoring a planet that was breaking up and not a collapsing star, as in this case. But there were the same huge shifts in gravity.
- Capt. Picard: Which somehow resulted in complex strings of water molecules which acquired carbon from the body and acted... acted on the body like alcohol. Data, download this information to Medical immediately.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Aye, sir. Downloading.
- Capt. Picard: Fascinating. The entire crew going out of control.
- Commander William T. Riker: Like intoxication, but worse. Judgment almost completely impaired.
- Capt. Picard: Until they found this formula, barely in time.
- [pressing a console button]
- Capt. Picard: Picard to Dr. Crusher. Come in.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: This is Crusher. Go ahead, Captain.
- Capt. Picard: You can relax, Doctor. The answer to all of this is feeding into your medical banks right now; including a cure.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Are you certain, Captain?
- Capt. Picard: Absolutely.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Sickbay to bridge.
- Capt. Picard: Picard here. Go ahead, Doctor.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I'm confining Lt. La Forge to Sickbay until further notice.
- Capt. Picard: Do we have a problem, Doctor?
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I don't know yet.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: I can't find anything unusual in any of the tricorder readings they sent over, Captain.
- Capt. Picard: Give me a theory, Doctor. Anything. Madness. Mass hysteria. Delusion?
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Any or all, Captain.
- Capt. Picard: All right, let's bring the away team back. Set the transporter to maximum decontamination and then full examination and observation when they're here.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Sir, I think Tasha's been infected, too. She just left my quarters.
- Capt. Picard: Counselor, it's not actually an infection.
- Counselor Deanna Troi: Yes, sir, it's more like an intoxication. But whatever it is, she's got it.
- Capt. Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. it is no longer an inconvenient, childish prank. Young Wesley Crusher, admittedly a victim of the Tsiolkovsky infection, is now in control of my starship.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Normal all across. Except... why are you perspiring, Lieutenant?
- Lt. Geordi La Forge: I suppose because *you* have it too hot in here. What else would it be?
- Commander William T. Riker: That doesn't sound like you, Geordi.
- Lt. Geordi La Forge: Well, maybe it's not. Maybe she threw her voice.
- [Crusher and Riker look at each other, concerned]
- Lt. Geordi La Forge: Hey, it was a joke.
- Commander William T. Riker: Riker to Captain. I have a report for you, sir.
- Capt. Picard: Picard here.
- Commander William T. Riker: They're all dead. Apparently, some of them were blown out of the emergency hatches.
- Capt. Picard: But there were 80 people on that ship, Number One.
- Commander William T. Riker: Yes, sir. As I said... all dead.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: There's something happening on this ship. Just to be safe, I'd like you to stay in our quarters until it's solved.
- Wesley Crusher: Sure, Mom, sure. Your wish is my command.
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Now, Wes.
- Wesley Crusher: Okay, but you could be stunting my emotional growth. You realize that?
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Can you provide more information, sir? Seeking an instance of someone showering in his or her clothing is...
- Commander William T. Riker: I know. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Why would anyone wish to expend his time in such a search?
- Commander William T. Riker: Correction, Data. I should have said "proverbial needle in a haystack".
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Ah, a human proverb. As in folklore or an historical allusion or tribal memories.
- Commander William T. Riker: Historical. That's it. I remember I was reading a history of all the past starships named Enterprise.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: [refining his search] Enterprise history. Aberrant behavior. Medical cross-reference.
- Commander William T. Riker: Ship's log, First Officer Riker. Enterprise will be destroyed unless it can be moved out of the path of the star material hurtling toward us. Our only hope is for Lt. Commander Data, in the time we have left, to regain his senses and reconnect engine power to the bridge.
- Capt. Picard: Number One, it seems our Security Chief has the equivalent of a snootful.
- Lt. Cmdr. Data: Inquiry, sir - 'snootful'?
- Capt. Picard: Forget it.
- Capt. Picard: Take us...
- Commander William T. Riker: Are you all right, sir?
- Capt. Picard: Worf - you do know what to do. Take us, er...
- Commander William T. Riker: Take us out of here!
- Capt. Picard: Right.
- Sarah MacDougal: I can't help you, Bridge. Someone here has yanked out all the control chips.
- Wesley Crusher: It was an adult who did it!
- Doctor Beverly Crusher: Captain, can I see you in your ready room? It's a private matter. No, actually, it's an urgent one!
- Lt. Worf: Do we owe our thanks to Commander Data, sir?
- Capt. Picard: [over communicator] Yes, and Wesley may have given us a few seconds too.
- Lt. Worf: Did he say Wesley? The boy?
- Dr. Crusher: He said... Wesley.
- [last lines]
- Capt. Picard: So, Number One, let's go to our next job.
- Cmdr. Riker: Aye, sir. Helm, prepare for Warp 3. Heading 294 mark 37.
- Lt. La Forge: Warp 3, heading 294 mark 37, sir.
- Cmdr. Riker: Engage.