- Bill Miller: [after seeing Brian proudly wear his new cheerleader sweater] All the time I prayed to God he'd get into a cheerleader's sweater, I probably should've been more specific.
- Lauren Miller: I used to be popular, but now that I'm in high school I'm just a big loser like Brian.
- Brian Miller: [calling out from the other room] I heard that!
- Judy Miller: What're you doing?
- Bill Miller: Lookin' at my hands. You ever notice how elegant they are?
- [holds hand up to Judy's face]
- Judy Miller: Bill, whatever you stuck your hand in while I was gone I'm not smellin' it.
- Danny 'Fitz' Fitzsimmons: [to Bill] So your hot wife wants you to go down to the school and flirt with your daughter's hot drama teacher? My wife has a cow when I hang onto Mrs. Butterworth's bottle too long.
- Linda Michaels: Does your wife let you put your feet up on the coffee table?
- Danny 'Fitz' Fitzsimmons: Wife doesn't care where I put my feet. It's my hands she's got rules about.
- Bill Miller: I told you she had a thing for me.
- Judy Miller: Yeah, but I didn't know you thing-ed her back.