- Dick Feinwold: [backstage, while a baton twirler is singing 'Camptown Races'] Amateur night. Boy, you said it. Sounds like a cat in heat.
- Billy Goldman: I think she's pretty good.
- Dick Feinwold: Big tits. That's the secret to amateur night. Always be sure you got big tits. Otherwise, you're sunk.
- Morty, the Ventriloquist's Dummy: [dialogue in the ventriloquist act of Morty & Ingels] Look, if you're hungry, just order something. I hear the tongue sandwich is pretty good.
- Mr. Ingles, Ventriloquist: Well, I'll be very honest with you. I never eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.
- Morty, the Ventriloquist's Dummy: Well, then, how 'bout some eggs?