That '70s Show (TV Series)

Christmas (2003)

Kurtwood Smith: Red Forman

Quotes 

• [Red has been volunteered to be Santa Claus at the mall this year, and is not at all thrilled about it. He and Kitty are at the mall, dressed like Santa and Mrs. Santa. Bob wears an elf costume] 

  Kitty Forman : [chuckles]  Okay, Mr. Claus. Let's hear your best Santa laugh!

  Reginald "Red" Forman : [dully]  Ho, ho.

  Bob Pinciotti : You left out a 'ho', Red. It's three ho's! Did you even read the Santa manual?

  Kitty Forman : Okay, Red, I'm sure you'll do fine. Just remember, Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow, who never calls a child "dumbass".

  [some time later] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : So, what do ya want for Christmas?

  Young Boy #1 : I want a Slinky!

  Reginald "Red" Forman : A Slinky? Oh, you'll get sick of a Slinky in a day. I'm putting you down for flash cards. Math, that's what you're getting for Christmas.

  [the boy gapes] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Next!

  Young Girl #1 : I want a pony.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Ponies die.

  [the girl is shocked] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : What you need is a good pair of boots. Go on, keep it moving.

  Little Girl #2 : I want a flying car.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : I did, too, when I was your age, kid. But then the future came... and took my dreams away. Just like it's gonna take yours.

  [the girl gapes] 

  Kitty Forman : Okay. Okay, little girl, y'know what? I bet if you're extra good, you'll get your flying car one day.

  [Kitty and the girl walk away] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : [calling after them]  Don't listen to her, it's a lie!

  [Kitty turns to Red, glaring at him] 

  Kitty Forman : [chiding]  Bad Santa!

• Reginald "Red" Forman : This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.

  Bob Pinciotti : Tell ya what. You name five reindeer and I'll step down.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : I can name five toes that are gonna be in your ass!

  Kitty Forman : [annoyed]  Oh, for goodness sake! Why don't we stop calling it Christmas and call it "Assmas"?

  Bob Pinciotti : [gets up, sighing]  Fine, I'll go. I only got worked up because Joanne's gone and Donna's working. The only people I have at home are my two friends, Egg and Nog.

  [Red sighs and takes off his Santa suit] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Alright, fine. You wanna be Santa, go ahead.

  Bob Pinciotti : [sits back]  Thanks, Red.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Yeah, it's all for the best. I've already eaten about two pounds of fake beard as it is.

  [the young boy returns with a cop. He points accusingly at Bob, mistaking him for Red] 

  Young Boy #2 : There he is! Santa's the one that told me communists hate God.

  [confused, Bob looks around] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : [smiles]  Gotta go, Santa!

  [Red walks away, without correcting the boy's mistaken identity] 

  Kitty Forman : Merry Christmas, Bob!

  [Kitty walks away] 

  Kitty Forman : [mumbles angrily]  Mrs. Claus needs a drink.

  [the cop approaches Bob, who still does not understand what he's been accused of] 

• [Red has just finished telling the boy his version of the Vietnam War] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : ...and that's what really happened in Vietnam.

  Young Boy #2 : [confused]  I don't understand.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : [glumly]  Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.

  Kitty Forman : Okay, little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.

  [Kitty leads the boy away. The boy turns to her] 

  Young Boy #2 : What's an "ambush"?

  Kitty Forman : [smiles]  It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.

  [Red gets up and approaches Kitty] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Kitty, I gotta tell ya. I'm good with kids. I really taught him something. Y'know, I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas spirit.

  Kitty Forman : Well, I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story where nobody gets caught in a firefight.

  [Red turns back and sees Bob sitting in his chair, also dressed like Santa Claus. Bob waves to him] 

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Bob, what the hell are you doing?

  Bob Pinciotti : You're depressing the kids. I'm Santa now.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : Get out of my chair, Bob, or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney!

  Bob Pinciotti : I'm not moving.

  Reginald "Red" Forman : [takes off his Santa hat]  Kitty, hold my silly red hat.