- Sgt. Patricia Dawkins: If you hurt him, I'll shove that gun so far down your throat, you'll be blowing bullets out your backside!
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: I weep for our country, I really do. Did you know 12 year olds in Holland and Belgium can already speak fluent English?
- Const. Kevin Goody: They're no cleverer than British children, Sir! My niece is only 10, and she can speak fluent English.
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: Your head is just something you keep your hat on, isn't it?
- Sgt. Patricia Dawkins: You're a bloody idiot! You know that, don't you? A bloody idiot!
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: Please, Sgt Dawkins, we are on duty. I'm not an idiot, I am your commanding officer. I'm only an idiot between 1 o'clock and 2 o'clock, after 6:30 and at weekends!
- Sgt. Patricia Dawkins: Well, I'm not on duty, so you are! An idiot, a pompous twit and a pain in the backside!
- Det. Insp. Derek Grim: Look, this may be an hoax, it may not be. All I know is, if it is genuine, my arse will be on the line and I don't want a cock-up!
- Det. Insp. Derek Grim: Crockett, I need profiles on all known terrorists in the South-East. Kray, phone the Home Office! Phone the Armed Response Unit! Get me a tea, milk, four sugars!
- DC Robert Kray: In what order, Sir?
- Det. Insp. Derek Grim: Blimey, Kray! Where were you dragged up? Milk in first, tea next, sugar after.
- Const. Kevin Goody: Is this one of those brain-teasers, Sir, where Cleopatra turns out to be a goldfish?
- Det. Insp. Derek Grim: [looking through the pile of criminal files] Juvenile! Juvenile! Juvenile!
- D.C. Crockett: More juvenile, Sir!
- Det. Insp. Derek Grim: Just once in a while I'd like to nick someone whose balls have dropped!
- Const. Maggie Habib: Morning Pat. You alright?
- Sgt. Patricia Dawkins: Ooh, it's Raymond, he's getting worse. Do you know, last week I found him in bed with a model?
- Const. Maggie Habib: No!
- Sgt. Patricia Dawkins: We've still got bits of balsa wood stuck to the duvet.
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: [after being reminded about going to to the bank] No I won't forget, Patricia. Of course it would be easier to go now, and for that very reason the bank is closed, it being a basic principle of British banking that the customer is to be avoided at all costs.
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: I once possessed a whoopie cushion. I never deployed it, of course, but the capacity was there.
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: Goody, the criminals desire a pizza. Kindly order one.
- Const. Kevin Goody: What sort of pizza, sir?
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: I don't know, spicy gerbil flavored. Just get the pizza.
- Det. Insp. Derek Grim: I've talked to them, they won't budge. I've used all my negotiating skills.
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: You have all the negotiating skills of an embittered rottweiler. Your telephone manner is about as appealing as a pub toilet at closing time.
- Det. Insp. Derek Grim: Standard procedure, Fowler. We acquiesce to the government's demands, that way we win their trust.
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: Brilliant, Grim. We win their trust by buying them a pizza. Why it seems so simple, I wonder if the same tactics could work in Bosnia?
- Det. Insp. Derek Grim: They want a pizza. Detail your people to get them a pizza.
- Insp. Raymond C. Fowler: [sarcastically] Of course, and perhaps a small selection of cupcakes?