Titus (TV Series)

After Mrs. Shafter (2002)

Christopher Titus: Christopher Titus

Quotes 

• Ken Titus : What do you do when you want Erin to shut her pie hole?

  Christopher Titus : [not realizing Erin has just walked up behind him]  I just tune her out. I go, "uh uh. Uh huh. Uh huh." So she says, "You're not listening to me, so I'm going to stop talking."

  Erin Fitzpatrick : Christopher?

  Christopher Titus : Yeah?

  [Titus glances at Erin, and realizes his mistake] 

  Christopher Titus : Well, I certainly won't be doing *that* anymore.

• [first lines] 

  Christopher Titus : There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably living in some Siberian ice cave eating bugs and weaving beads into their back hair. But they're out there. My dad believed that to find your perfect soul mate, first, you had to look through a bunch of other guys' soul mates.

• Ken Titus : [after Dave suggests a compromise to Faye's relationships with both Ken and Perry]  So, uh, I don't have to write any more songs, I don't have to steal any more poems off the Internet? All I have to do is have sex and drink?

  Faye : Yes.

  Ken Titus : Why haven't I done this all my life?

  Christopher Titus : You did, Dad. Five times.

  Ken Titus : But they weren't in on it!

• [last lines] 

  Christopher Titus : There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three or four half perfect people. How far are you willing to go to actually find that perfect somebody... ies. If you're not willing to make a group of people your soul mate then you'd better plan on being alone. You'll always have television.