- Christopher Titus: Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
- Christopher Titus: We have to get our blood tested.
- Dave Scouvel: What? Is something wrong with my sperm?
- Christopher Titus: I'm sure of it.
- Christopher Titus: My dad thrives on fear. You know that bedtime prayer, "If I should die before I wake"? I had bed sheets that said that.
- Tommy Shafter: That's it! I am out of here. You know,
- [motions to Ken]
- Tommy Shafter: a man who's been married five times questioning *my* manhood?
- [motions to Christopher and Erin]
- Tommy Shafter: And the two of you just sleeping around on each other! You people make me sick, I need a shower!
- Ken Titus: Maybe it'll be filled with naked men.
- Christopher Titus: Tommy's a hypochondriac. In fourth grade, he traded his lunch with another kid so he could get in the vaccination line twice.
- [flashback]
- Tommy Shafter: [lifting up his shirt] Feel this. I think it's a lump.
- Christopher Titus: It's your nipple.
- [Dave reaches out to touch it, but Titus slaps his hand away]
- Christopher Titus: Turn the heat up.
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car off of her baby. 'Course I would have said, "Dude! Back up." But, wasn't my kid. When I was born, if I'd have known all the stuff my dad was going to do for me, I'd have crawled right back in.
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.