- Christopher Titus: I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
- Prosecutor: [incredulous] A mother who kills people?
- Christopher Titus: Person. She killed *one* person. You make it sound like a hobby!
- [entering the courthouse with Titus for Juanita's trial]
- Ken Titus: I always knew one day your mom would be up on a murder charge. I just didn't think I'd be alive to see it.
- [about Juanita killing her husband at Titus and Erin's wedding]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: It was not an execution. My boyfriend and his brother tied Bill up and Juanita shot him.
- Prosecutor: That sounds like an execution to me.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: It was *not* an execution.
- [pause]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Execution *style*, maybe.
- Prosecutor: Mr. Shafter, I understand you filmed the killing?
- Tommy Shafter: No, that's incorrect.
- [the prosecutor holds up a video tape]
- Tommy Shafter: I videotaped the killing. In a film "style."
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.