- Johnny Carson: [displaying an Arizona ad for a Christmas vasectomy discount] Now, there's a perfect gift for the man who will - who will have nothing.
- Johnny Carson: [reading a letter from a viewer] If a comedian tells a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, is it still funny?
- Ed McMahon: ...That could apply also to a monologue.
- Johnny Carson: Or an announcer.
- Johnny Carson: The idea of this bit is...
- Ed McMahon: Do have a lot of faith in this bit?
- Johnny Carson: You must think positively.
- Ed McMahon: I mean, this is gonna be something hilarious, you're trying to tell us.
- Johnny Carson: No, we don't say that. We say this possibly could be - could be amusing.
- Ed McMahon: Could be funny... Amusing - alright.
- Johnny Carson: Could be amusing, and could be one of those... "that's interesting" type of things.
- Sally Field: I am always very sweet, and I get nauseous. I just thought, I'm really sick of this, talking to David Hartman, and he's very sweet, and I'm very sweet, and I talk about the carpool, and... Johnny, I wanna talk about doing it.
- [audience hoots and hollers]
- Sally Field: I mean let's get down TO it! I'm tired of this sweetness.