- Alan: Charlie, let me tell you something. You-you-you can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt, he's a boy. It's... Getting hurt is like his job. Last summer, he... he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub. All I care about is that he has somebody who loves him and who'll step up when it really counts, and that's what you did today.
- Dr. Prajneep: [in the ER exam room] Maybe you'd prefer to wait outside.
- Charlie Harper: I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, but the kid needs me.
- Charlie Harper: [wants custody of Jake if something happens to Judith and Alan] All right, Alan, let me ask you something: if I'm here, and Jake's in Rhode Island, who's gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?
- Alan: Jerry and Faye are both college professors.
- Charlie Harper: I'm talking about the important stuff. About life. Face it. When the time comes, are those two *eggheads* gonna step up and get your kid laid?
- Alan: You're not helping your case, Charlie.
- Charlie Harper: [filling out a form for Jake in the ER] All right, let's see: Last name, Harper. First name, Jake... ob?
- Jake Harper: Mmm-hmm.
- Charlie Harper: Jacob. I knew that. Middle name?
- Jake Harper: You don't know?
- Charlie Harper: Of course, I know. I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.
- Jake Harper: David.
- Charlie Harper: Wow, Jacob David. They went full Old Testament on you, didn't they?