Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark (2004)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Judith Harper : He's been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone.

  Alan Harper : What? What, you mean like a, like a shrink?

  Judith Harper : No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce. He's not processing his emotions in a healthy way, and I think therapy could help unblock him.

  Alan Harper : Where do you get that?

  Judith Harper : From my therapist.

  Alan Harper : [sarcastically]  Who's working wonders with you.

  Judith Harper : Excuse me!

  Alan Harper : [sincerely]  Who's working wonders with you!

• Alan Harper : [Jake has been acting out; Judith wants him to go to therapy]  He... He's just a normal 11-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy.

  Judith Harper : And I'm a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience. And by patience, I mean Prozac.

• Berta : [about Jake]  Did you check to see if he's constipated?

  Alan Harper : Berta, his mother and I are going through a divorce, and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.

  Berta : Maybe so, but there's also a lot of string cheese he hasn't processed.

• Alan Harper : Any luck?

  Charlie Harper : The little snothead kicked me out of his room!

  Alan Harper : Welcome to the club.

  Charlie Harper : Yeah, but I'm the cool uncle!

  Alan Harper : Oh. And I'm the uncool dad?

  Charlie Harper : Don't get defensive. You did the best you could.

  Alan Harper : Hey! Hey! That kid has nothing to complain about! He's never been spanked, he's never even been yelled at! And even while my marriage was collapsing, he always came first!

  Charlie Harper : Well, I'm glad you're not defensive.

  Alan Harper : He has a great life. He gets everything he wants. I deny him nothing. Oh, my God, what have I done to my son?

  Charlie Harper : Alan, I was kidding. You're a terrific father.