- Judith Harper: He's been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone.
- Alan Harper: What? What, you mean like a, like a shrink?
- Judith Harper: No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce. He's not processing his emotions in a healthy way, and I think therapy could help unblock him.
- Alan Harper: Where do you get that?
- Judith Harper: From my therapist.
- Alan Harper: [sarcastically] Who's working wonders with you.
- Judith Harper: Excuse me!
- Alan Harper: [sincerely] Who's working wonders with you!
- Alan Harper: [Jake has been acting out; Judith wants him to go to therapy] He... He's just a normal 11-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy.
- Judith Harper: And I'm a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience. And by patience, I mean Prozac.
- Berta: [about Jake] Did you check to see if he's constipated?
- Alan Harper: Berta, his mother and I are going through a divorce, and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.
- Berta: Maybe so, but there's also a lot of string cheese he hasn't processed.
- Charlie Harper: I mean, you're a little kookoo, Judith, but compared to our mother, you're like a fart in a hurricane.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Do you like puppets?
- Jake Harper: Not really.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: [taking out the cow-puppet and changing her voice] Neither do I!
- Alan Harper: Any luck?
- Charlie Harper: The little snothead kicked me out of his room!
- Alan Harper: Welcome to the club.
- Charlie Harper: Yeah, but I'm the cool uncle!
- Alan Harper: Oh. And I'm the uncool dad?
- Charlie Harper: Don't get defensive. You did the best you could.
- Alan Harper: Hey! Hey! That kid has nothing to complain about! He's never been spanked, he's never even been yelled at! And even while my marriage was collapsing, he always came first!
- Charlie Harper: Well, I'm glad you're not defensive.
- Alan Harper: He has a great life. He gets everything he wants. I deny him nothing. Oh, my God, what have I done to my son?
- Charlie Harper: Alan, I was kidding. You're a terrific father.