Wendy Benson-Landes: Barbara Caufield

Quotes 

• Tiffany Malloy : [aspiring star reporter]  Front page story for the Northridge Gazette. Mindy Gallackson scored eighty points in a girls' basketball game. Eighty points!

  Barbara Caufield : In a girls' basketball game?

  [shakes her head] 

  Barbara Caufield : I mean, it's like Bosnia. You know it's there, somewhere, but you don't care.

  Tiffany Malloy : You mean, sort of like news radio?

  Barbara Caufield : A word of wisdom from your Editor-in-Chief. "Dog bites man," that's nothing. "Bosnia dog bites man," that's really nothing, but "Dog buys gun and robs blood bank," that's news.

  [proudly displays front page of latest copy] 

  Barbara Caufield : Front page news!

  [hands over newspaper] 

  Barbara Caufield : That was one crazy dog!

  Tiffany Malloy : Every story on this front page was written by you. And isn't this an exact replica of the Harvard newspaper masthead?

  Barbara Caufield : Yes, it is. And I think it will look good along with my Harvard application. See, one of the things I've found *most* important in my journey to greater education, is the ability to brown-nose.

  [teacher approaches] 

  Barbara Caufield : Hello, Professor Dawson!

  [Professor Dawson just walks past] 

  Barbara Caufield : Hello, Professor Lewis!

  [he, too, just walks past] 

  Barbara Caufield : Hello, Jorge!

  [cleaner halts in his tracks] 

  Barbara Caufield : I must say the floors have been so free of garbage, vomit and urine lately,

  [simpering:] 

  Barbara Caufield : thank you, amigo!

  Janitor : My name is not Jorge.

  Barbara Caufield : That's okay. World cup go Mexico.

  Janitor : I'm from Pakistan.

  Barbara Caufield : Oh. Well, congratulations on your newfound nuclear capabilities.

  [janitor walks away] 

  Barbara Caufield : Use them wisely.

  [waves, then turns back to Tiffany] 

  Barbara Caufield : You can never brown-nose too much. That's why I'm nice to everyone.

  Ryan Malloy : [arrives]  Hello, Barbara.

  Barbara Caufield : Drop dead.

  [walks away] 

  Ryan Malloy : You know, Tiff, I think I'm finally hitting my stride with girls. Just today, I was sitting in the car at the stoplight, right? A really pretty girl in a short skirt walks up to me and says "You want a date?" I mean, she's asking me! This girl who people would pay fifty or a hundred dollars to be with!

  Tiffany Malloy : Ryan... She was a prostitute.

  Ryan Malloy : Prostitute, Catholic, I don't care!

  [shakes head happily] 

  Ryan Malloy : This isn't Belfast!