Justin Berfield: Ross Malloy

Quotes 

• Jennie Malloy : [first lines, as Tiffany comes home, and sits down next to Mom on couch]  Hi, Tiffany.

  [no response, she busies herself with TV's remote control] 

  Jennie Malloy : Hi, Tiffany.

  Tiffany Malloy : [notices, not caring]  Oh, you're home.

  Jennie Malloy : You know, I get nicer greetings from handicapped people whose spaces I park in.

  [Tiffany shifts uncomfortably on her seat] 

  Jennie Malloy : Look, honey, I think we need some 'us' time, hmm? How about we go to some place together, maybe one of those trendy little coffee shops where we can drink cappuccino and rap?

  [hard sell:] 

  Jennie Malloy : We'll make fun of the old people. You know, the ones who order regular coffee?

  Tiffany Malloy : Mom, coffee shops are out. All the old people started going, thinking they were cool. The new 'in' place is...

  [Jennie looks at her expectantly, and she catches herself] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Never mind.

  [patting Mom on arm in patronizing way] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Mom, it's nothing personal, it's just that only complete terminal dorks wanna spend time with their mothers.

  Ryan Malloy : [enters, with Ross in tow]  Hi, Mom, wanna do something?

  Jennie Malloy : [snarls]  I'm busy!

  [but finds a use for him:] 

  Jennie Malloy : Why don't you walk the dogs? And don't forget to kick the poop into the neighbor's ivy where they won't find it until the kids have an Easter egg hunt.

  Ross Malloy : [to Ryan]  I'll hold the leash, you kick.

  Ryan Malloy : No way, I'm wearing my good shoes, I'll pick it up with my hands, but...

• Ryan Malloy : [coming down the stairs of the basement with Ross]  Dad, we're hungry.

  Jack Malloy : Who cares? So's 99% of the rest of the world. Tonight I'm taking Tiffany to that new Italian place.

  Ross Malloy : No, you're not. She's with Mom.

  Ryan Malloy : [sighs]  It's Bingo, Dad. She's got it bad.

  Ross Malloy : And that ain't good.

  Jack Malloy : [rising from couch]  It's the fourth night in a row. I've lost my little girl. My baby. I'm all alone. There's no point in going on anymore. Why, oh why, didn't I have more children?

  [as if Ryan and Ross doesn't count, and they just stand there] 

  Jack Malloy : What are you two doing here? Looking at you just reminds me that you're not her.

  Ryan Malloy : How do you think that makes us feel, Dad?

  Jack Malloy : Ah, you're right, son. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry I was being so insensitive. I'm sure you must miss her too.

  Ross Malloy : She's not dead, Dad. She's just with Mom.

  Jack Malloy : Same thing, son, believe me, I know.

• Tiffany Malloy : Daddy, I'm so glad you're home. I got a problem, and I've had no-one to talk to. My hair is drab and lifeless. It's not responding to my shampoo.

  Jack Malloy : Hmm.

  [taking a sniff] 

  Jack Malloy : Yes. You have a soap residue, and your pH balance is off.

  Tiffany Malloy : Thought so.

  Jack Malloy : I would recommend a clarifying shampoo, a heated protein pack and a fresh lemon rinse.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh, thanks, Daddy!

  [he gets a kiss] 

  Jennie Malloy : Wait a minute! He's just blathering something he heard on a TV commercial. He doesn't even know what a pH balance is.

  Tiffany Malloy : Oh yeah? Feel his hair.

  [Jack bends down, proffering his head to Jennie] 

  Jennie Malloy : [brushing her fingers through his hair]  Soft. Surprisingly soft. What's your secret?

  Jack Malloy : Beer! Inside and out! In fact, I'm soaking in it now.

  [glances at his watch] 

  Jack Malloy : Oh, say, look at the time. I'd better go get myself another treatment.

  Ryan Malloy : [arriving back home, Ross in tow]  Hey, Dad! Look, the dogs are constipated, and we really don't have anything to do. Wanna do something with us?

  Jack Malloy : [feigning he doesn't even know them]  Dad's not home yet.

  [leaves] 

  Ryan Malloy : [to Ross]  Guy looked exactly like Dad.

  Ross Malloy : C'mon, if that was Dad, he'd be holding a beer.

• Jack Malloy : [to Ryan and Ross]  Hey, guys! Wanna spend some time with your old Dad, huh?

  Ryan Malloy : What's the matter, Dad. Is your beloved Tiffany playing Bingo again?

  Jack Malloy : Hey, I'm happy she went, you hear me? I'm happy! Cos this gives us guys a chance to bond, huh? Come on, sit down over here!

  Ryan Malloy : All right!

  [they sit down] 

  Jack Malloy : Tell me, guys, what do you think? Think your Dad looks handsome today, huh? Just washed my hair, it's nice and soft, go ahead, feel!

  [proffers head to Ryan] 

  Ryan Malloy : [not eager]  Feel it, Ross!

  [Jack proffers head to little Ross] 

  Ross Malloy : No, you feel it!

  [Jack proffers head to Ryan] 

  Ryan Malloy : All right, but you gotta do whatever comes next.

  Ross Malloy : [decides to settle for being pragmatic]  Okay, I'll feel it.

  [Jack holds his head ready, Ross brushes fingers through Dad's hair] 

  Ross Malloy : Hey, it's soft!

  [Jack chuckles] 

  Ryan Malloy : Can I feel?

  [strokes] 

  Ryan Malloy : Wow! It is soft! Hey, Dad, how can we get hair like yours?

  Jack Malloy : I don't want my hair gummed up, you weren't just eating anything, were you?

  Ryan Malloy : Just cleaned out the cat box.

  Jack Malloy : [wildly panicking]  Get out of here!