Nikki Cox: Tiffany Malloy

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Tiffany Malloy : [thoughts heard]  Well, here I am at college. Northridge Junior College. Oh, God, it's the first show of the season, and I'm stuck doing voice-over expositions! I don't believe it! Oh, well, to recap for our regular one hundred viewers: I wanted to go to Harvard, but was thwarted by the evil machinations of Mr. Monteleone.

  [and from behind the stage curtain, the evil English teacher comes to take a bow] 

• Tiffany Malloy : [pretending]  Watch out, Diane Sawyer! This is Tiffany Malloy, reporting live from China... recently purchased by Bill Gates. My husband! This is Tiffany Malloy:Gates saying I don't need this job, I just like it!

• Tiffany Malloy : [to her new friend]  Muffy, this isn't college. It's a halfway house between high school and pregnancy!

• Jack Malloy : [goose-stepping, singing Nazi-like]  Roll out the tanks! We're invading Poland tonight! Roll out the-!

  Tiffany Malloy : You're not shopping that idea around again, are ya?

  Jack Malloy : Well, honey, a good idea isn't dead until you are! So, how are you?

  Tiffany Malloy : I am deliriously happy, I am flushed with victory. I finally defeated the teacher that's been torturing me for years. It's not wrong to crush an enemy, is it, Daddy?

  Jack Malloy : Well, I wouldn't know, honey. You see, I'm usually the *crushee*.

  Tiffany Malloy : I fought back for everybody who's ever been pushed around.

  Jack Malloy : I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Just like you're going to be proud of me when you see *Hitler* in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade! Right up there between Snoopy and Santa Claus!

  Tiffany Malloy : Daddy, Mr. Monteleone is so evil, there's not an ounce of guilt in my body. I tingle with triumph!

  [just then, the doorbell rings] 

  Mr. Monteleone : [Jack opens the door]  Where is Tiffany's father?

  Jack Malloy : You're looking at him!

  Mr. Monteleone : Oh. I was hoping you'd be a smaller man. I feel my anger slipping away.

  Jack Malloy : Too bad. Well, I'll be around in case it comes back.

  Mr. Monteleone : [to Tiffany]  Well, I hope you're happy. I was chased down the street by an animal right's group, I'm being suspended from teaching, and my bowling team has replaced me with a pedophile! Miss Malloy, I just came here to tell you that no matter what they do to me, I know that for once in my life... I was a good teacher. You have embraced the highest principles of American journalism. You used the power of the press to destroy an innocent man's reputation in order to sell papers!

  Tiffany Malloy : [croaks shamefully]  So, you're proud of me?

  Mr. Monteleone : The way you twisted the facts and used mere innuendo to savage a reputation! Yes, *of course* I'm proud of you!

  Tiffany Malloy : God! God, God, God, God, God! Just when I do something rotten, he makes me feel guilty and takes the joy out of it!

  [sighs] 

  Tiffany Malloy : Why can't I get pleasure out of anything ever?

  Jack Malloy : [seated at the door]  Well, 'cause that way Daddy can sleep at night.