- [first lines]
- Tiffany Malloy: [thoughts heard] Well, here I am at college. Northridge Junior College. Oh, God, it's the first show of the season, and I'm stuck doing voice-over expositions! I don't believe it! Oh, well, to recap for our regular one hundred viewers: I wanted to go to Harvard, but was thwarted by the evil machinations of Mr. Monteleone.
- [and from behind the stage curtain, the evil English teacher comes to take a bow]
- Tiffany Malloy: [pretending] Watch out, Diane Sawyer! This is Tiffany Malloy, reporting live from China... recently purchased by Bill Gates. My husband! This is Tiffany Malloy:Gates saying I don't need this job, I just like it!
- Mr. Floppy: Where are the babes of broadcasting? Put Kate Moss on the news!
- [imitates likely scenario:]
- Mr. Floppy: "Millions of people go hungry in Africa. What's their secret?"
- [cutely cocks head]
- Tiffany Malloy: [to her new friend] Muffy, this isn't college. It's a halfway house between high school and pregnancy!
- Mr. Floppy: You're an inspiration, Jack. No wonder every kid in the neighborhood asks *you* to buy his beer.
- Ross Malloy: [on basement's phone] Yes, hello. Jack Malloy can't come to work today. He's really sick! Yes, another stomach ache. Yes. No, that was not him at the 7-11 buying beer.
- Jack Malloy: That was also not him at the strip club either!
- Ross Malloy: [to Jack] Well, see you tomorrow. Same time, same place.
- [goes back up the stairs]
- Jack Malloy: Okay. And, son, always remember, school and work... is for saps!
- Jack Malloy: [goose-stepping, singing Nazi-like] Roll out the tanks! We're invading Poland tonight! Roll out the-!
- Tiffany Malloy: You're not shopping that idea around again, are ya?
- Jack Malloy: Well, honey, a good idea isn't dead until you are! So, how are you?
- Tiffany Malloy: I am deliriously happy, I am flushed with victory. I finally defeated the teacher that's been torturing me for years. It's not wrong to crush an enemy, is it, Daddy?
- Jack Malloy: Well, I wouldn't know, honey. You see, I'm usually the *crushee*.
- Tiffany Malloy: I fought back for everybody who's ever been pushed around.
- Jack Malloy: I'm proud of you, sweetheart. Just like you're going to be proud of me when you see *Hitler* in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade! Right up there between Snoopy and Santa Claus!
- Tiffany Malloy: Daddy, Mr. Monteleone is so evil, there's not an ounce of guilt in my body. I tingle with triumph!
- [just then, the doorbell rings]
- Mr. Monteleone: [Jack opens the door] Where is Tiffany's father?
- Jack Malloy: You're looking at him!
- Mr. Monteleone: Oh. I was hoping you'd be a smaller man. I feel my anger slipping away.
- Jack Malloy: Too bad. Well, I'll be around in case it comes back.
- Mr. Monteleone: [to Tiffany] Well, I hope you're happy. I was chased down the street by an animal right's group, I'm being suspended from teaching, and my bowling team has replaced me with a pedophile! Miss Malloy, I just came here to tell you that no matter what they do to me, I know that for once in my life... I was a good teacher. You have embraced the highest principles of American journalism. You used the power of the press to destroy an innocent man's reputation in order to sell papers!
- Tiffany Malloy: [croaks shamefully] So, you're proud of me?
- Mr. Monteleone: The way you twisted the facts and used mere innuendo to savage a reputation! Yes, *of course* I'm proud of you!
- Tiffany Malloy: God! God, God, God, God, God! Just when I do something rotten, he makes me feel guilty and takes the joy out of it!
- [sighs]
- Tiffany Malloy: Why can't I get pleasure out of anything ever?
- Jack Malloy: [seated at the door] Well, 'cause that way Daddy can sleep at night.
- Mr. Floppy: [newsreader on TV] Flash! The Martians have landed! World about to end! But first, how Buffy the Vampire Slayer stays in shape!
- [leans forward]
- Mr. Floppy: Red-hot bunny loving! *Grrr!*
- [last lines]
- Mr. Floppy: [reading fan mail] "Dear Mr. Floppy, me and my friends enjoy your show, but please settle an argument. Are you a bear, a dog, or just old socks badly sown together? Barry Lovejoy, Valmont, Texas." I'm glad you asked that question. I'm *all* bunny! Just ask my girlfriend. I can be anything you want. I can be tender, or I can be rough and tough. But only if you're over eighteen or have your parents' credit card number. *Grrr-woof!*