The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Animals (1994)

Emma Chambers: Alice Tinker

Photos 

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Alice : You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?

  Geraldine Granger : Which stuff?

  Alice : I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, yeah.

  Alice : Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, well, I believe that is the idea, yeah.

  Alice : Then yesterday I went to Kirkenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home brand, you know.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes?

  Alice : And, you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

  Geraldine Granger : Mmmm?

  [pause] 

  Geraldine Granger : I'm losing you now.

  Alice : Oh, right. Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah, yeah, yeah, you think it is butter.

  Alice : No, no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

  Geraldine Granger : Probably, yeah, yeah.

  Alice : Well, I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe... they both might be butter... in a cunning disguise. And, in fact, there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure God does and is intrigued by the whole thing.

• [post credit] 

  Geraldine Granger : I haven't any more religious jokes, but I suppose I have got a couple of animal ones.

  Alice : Oh, fire off.

  Geraldine Granger : Why did the lobster blush?

  Alice : Why?

  Geraldine Granger : Because the sea weed.

  Alice : Because the sea weed what?

  Geraldine Granger : Because the sea *weed*.

  Alice : Did what?

  Geraldine Granger : No, no, listen. The lobster was in the sea, right?

  Alice : Yes.

  Geraldine Granger : And the sea weed. *Weed*.

  Alice : Oh.

  [covers her mouth with her hands] 

  Alice : Oh dear, oh dear.

  Geraldine Granger : What?

  Alice : That is the rudest thing I have ever heard.

• Alice : I remember when my budgie, Carrot, first died. I was absolutely heartbroken. He was the only animal I had not been allergic to,

  Geraldine Granger : When he first died?

  Alice : That's right, 'cause he died and then two days later, he came back to life again.

  Geraldine Granger : Yes.

  Alice : A bit like Jesus, but with feathers. Then he died twice the next year. Both times came back to life again.

  Geraldine Granger : You're sure he absolutely did die?

  Alice : Oh yeah. Fell off his perch and everything. We buried him.

  Geraldine Granger : Just out of interest, what did he look like when he came back to life?

  Alice : Oh, well, he always looked a bit different, but, I mean, what would you expect, because after all, he had died.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah. You don't think, Alice, that perhaps your affectionate but technically insane mother just bought you a new budgie each time and called it Carrot, so that you wouldn't be too sad?

  Alice : What?... Poor Carrot actually did die?

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah.

  Alice : And little Carrot also died too?

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah.

  Alice : And Carrot?