The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Celebrity Vicar (1998)

Gary Waldhorn: David Horton

Photos 

Quotes 

• David Horton : Let's move on to the Gala. Any progress there, or is the climax of our show still "Owen and his Amazing Farting Duck"?

• [first lines] 

  David Horton : Right, we've got a lot of stuff to get through tonight, so if I could ask you all not to waste time with the traditional distractions, repetitions and general annoyances that are the usual content of these parish council meetings.

  Owen Newitt : Good idea.

  Geraldine Granger : You're the boss.

  David Horton : Excellent. Ready, Frank?

  Frank Pickle : Absolutely.

  David Horton : Bravo! Point one: the Gala Night. I thought St. Valentine's Day with all the profits going to the upkeep of the village hall. Happy with that, Jim?

  Jim Trott : Yes.

  Hugo Horton : Father.

  David Horton : Later, Hugo.

  Hugo Horton : I didn't say anything.

  David Horton : What do you mean?

  Hugo Horton : [his lips are not moving]  Father. Father.

  David Horton : Oh no. It's a dream, isn't it?

  Geraldine Granger : [dressed as an angel]  Yes, David, I'm afraid it is.

• Geraldine : What's worse than not selling any tickets at all?

  Owen Newitt : Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.

  Jim : No, no, no, no, th-that's right. Who comes on the stage, and slits all our throats, and then leaves us all in a great pool of blood!

  David Horton : Does anyone actually have this serial killer's address?

• David Horton : Item six: Gala Night. Ideas for content?

  Jim : No, no, ye-yes! I saw this film the other night: the Full Monty. You get some music; I'll take all my clothes off.

  David Horton : And that would be entertaining, would it?

  Jim : They'll certainly get their money's worth. I'm taking off my truss and everything.

• David Horton : For God's sake! This is exactly the kind of interruption we're trying to avoid!

  Jim : Oh, uh, I thought you had meant the kind of thing like where, you know, you're talking about Owen's cattle. And I think you're talking about Owen's kettle. And I say I'll lend him mine, but... it's fused at the moment.

  David Horton : Yes. Well, that kind of thing can be pretty annoying, too. Moving on.

  Hugo : Your kettle really not working, Jim?

  Jim : No, no, absolutely knackered.

  Owen Newitt : I can lend you mine, at a very reasonable price.

  David Horton : [banging his gavel]  Stop it right there!

• David Horton : Point one: the date of the Gala Night. I thought Valentine's day, February the fourteenth.

  Geraldine Granger : Yup, that sounds fine to me.

  David Horton : Thank God for that,

  Geraldine Granger : So long as you don't mind it being on the same day as the Cattle Show.

  Jim : Oh, are we having a Kettle Show?

• David Horton : You're the saddest person in the kingdom and that's including Rolf Harris.

• [Frank is on stage, doing an incredibly boring "impressions" routine] 

  Owen : [to David]  I've got my shotgun in the van.

  David Horton : Load both barrels.