The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Engagement (1997)

Emma Chambers: Alice Tinker

Quotes 

• Geraldine : I'll just go and... make some tea then, shall I? Hugo, I believe there's something you have to do.

  [Goes into the kitchen, leaving Alice and Hugo alone] 

  Geraldine : Oh, this is easy. I should take this up for a living. All you have to do is create the right social situation and love will flower, like a flower... flowering in the right social situation. Two lovely young people, their tender lips meeting for the first time in a whirlwind of passion that is, in fact, true love.

  [Goes back into the living room and becomes exasperated on seeing that they haven't moved] 

  Geraldine : OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JUST KISS, YOU MORONS!

  [Feigning innocence] 

  Geraldine : I'm so sorry. Did I say that out loud? Er... what I actually meant to say was please don't worry, it's perfectly simple and you're going to enjoy it.

  [Takes their hands] 

  Geraldine : All you have to do is close your eyes and... move forward.

  [They do so, but Geraldine notices that they are about to miss each other] 

  Geraldine : Then open your eyes again.

  [Hugo abruptly shuffles back so that he is in line with Alice] 

  Geraldine : Look where you're going. That's right. And... move forward.

  [They slowly move towards each other] 

  Geraldine : Docking procedure almost complete. And then...

  [Their lips are just about to meet when Hugo steps back] 

  Hugo Horton : Can't we just shake hands?

  Alice Tinker : Yeah, yeah. I-I love shaking hands. It's an excellent way of communicating affection without getting wet.

  Geraldine : [Losing patience]  Just *do* it!

  Hugo Horton : Right. Right.

  [Holds out his hand] 

  Hugo Horton : Good luck, Alice.

  Alice Tinker : Good luck, Hugo.

  [They shake hands and embrace awkwardly, then kiss - initially very tentatively, but then passionately] 

  Geraldine : [Gleefully, to herself]  Yes! Houston, we have kiss-off.

• [Hugo and Alice finally break apart from their kiss] 

  Geraldine : Oh, they're back! Welcome home! How was it?

  Alice Tinker : Fantathtic.

  Geraldine : Right. In English, Hugo?

  [Hugo mumbles indistinctly] 

  Geraldine : Oh, they're speaking in tongues. Cup of tea?

  Alice Tinker : Oh. No thank you, Vicar. I used to love having tea with you, but now I've realised in comparison to some things it's a total and utter yawn making bore of bores. Come on, big boy!

  [She and Hugo leave, holding hands] 

• Hugo Horton : Well, er... I, er... I'd better be going. Bye everyone.

  [Leaves without kissing Alice] 

  Alice Tinker : [Starting to cry]  Oh my God. I knew this was going to happen. He doesn't love me anymore. He's sucked out all my juice... and discarded me like an empty carton of Ribena!

  Geraldine : No, poppet - it's not like that at all. The truth is that he's... he's sprained his tongue. And the doctor says he's got to give it complete rest for a few days.

  Alice Tinker : Oh, that's alright then. I...

  Geraldine : Yes, so you keep away from him, Miss Lusty Lips!

  Alice Tinker : [Cheering up]  I'll try. Oh, let's have some tea!

• Reverend Geraldine Granger : Don't tell me that Hugo hasn't even kissed you yet.

  Alice Tinker : I just don't think that he loves me.

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Oh, that's nonsense. It's just, you've got to give these things time, that's all. How long have you known him?

  Alice Tinker : Uh, 26 years.

• Alice Tinker : Will you be telling us when Jesus is coming?

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Sorry?

  Alice Tinker : Well. in last month's newsletter, you wrote about how Jesus is coming, but you didn't mention any dates. So, Mum wants to know when to get the house tidy.