The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Engagement (1997)

James Fleet: Hugo Horton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Geraldine : I'll just go and... make some tea then, shall I? Hugo, I believe there's something you have to do.

  [Goes into the kitchen, leaving Alice and Hugo alone] 

  Geraldine : Oh, this is easy. I should take this up for a living. All you have to do is create the right social situation and love will flower, like a flower... flowering in the right social situation. Two lovely young people, their tender lips meeting for the first time in a whirlwind of passion that is, in fact, true love.

  [Goes back into the living room and becomes exasperated on seeing that they haven't moved] 

  Geraldine : OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JUST KISS, YOU MORONS!

  [Feigning innocence] 

  Geraldine : I'm so sorry. Did I say that out loud? Er... what I actually meant to say was please don't worry, it's perfectly simple and you're going to enjoy it.

  [Takes their hands] 

  Geraldine : All you have to do is close your eyes and... move forward.

  [They do so, but Geraldine notices that they are about to miss each other] 

  Geraldine : Then open your eyes again.

  [Hugo abruptly shuffles back so that he is in line with Alice] 

  Geraldine : Look where you're going. That's right. And... move forward.

  [They slowly move towards each other] 

  Geraldine : Docking procedure almost complete. And then...

  [Their lips are just about to meet when Hugo steps back] 

  Hugo Horton : Can't we just shake hands?

  Alice Tinker : Yeah, yeah. I-I love shaking hands. It's an excellent way of communicating affection without getting wet.

  Geraldine : [Losing patience]  Just *do* it!

  Hugo Horton : Right. Right.

  [Holds out his hand] 

  Hugo Horton : Good luck, Alice.

  Alice Tinker : Good luck, Hugo.

  [They shake hands and embrace awkwardly, then kiss - initially very tentatively, but then passionately] 

  Geraldine : [Gleefully, to herself]  Yes! Houston, we have kiss-off.

• [On hearing that Hugo is going out with Alice, David redrafts his will] 

  David Horton : Ah Hugo, I was just showing the vicar my new will.

  Hugo : Come on Papa, you're not that angry. It's like the time you tried to convince me you were Father Christmas. I saw through that and I can see through this.

  David Horton : Then you see wrong. If you continue to consort with that Tinker twerp, you will no longer be welcome in this house, you will no longer be my son, and as this will attests, you will have *nothing*.

  [Long pause] 

  Hugo : On the contrary sir. I shall have everything in the world that I desire.

  [Hands the will back to his father. Geraldine silently expresses delight at Hugo standing his ground] 

• [Hugo has just told his father that he is going out with Alice] 

  Geraldine : So what did he say?

  Hugo Horton : Well, I-I can't tell you what he *actually* said, because... because you're the vicar. But, erm... well, l-let's say a certain word is represented by another word th-th-that sounds a little like... that word. Like, erm... like... 'duck', for instance.

  [Geraldine frowns] 

  Hugo Horton : He asked me what the *duck* I was playing at. He said he didn't give a flying *duck* if I *ducking* loved Alice *Ducking* Tinker, and if I *ducking* kissed her again, he'd make sure that I was well and truly *ducked*.

  Geraldine : Ah... duck me.

  Hugo Horton : I don't know what to do. I... I love Alice with all my heart, but... I also love my Dad.

  Geraldine : Of course.

  [the doorbell rings] 

  Hugo Horton : Well, i-i-if that's Alice I'd better not see her. I have a big decision to make... and her radiant beauty and... subtle seductive charms may cloud my mind as I grope towards an answer that is both right and true.

  [Alice enters. On seeing Hugo, she playfully growls and makes scratching gestures] 

  Hugo Horton : Oh, dollocks!

• Hugo Horton : Well, er... I, er... I'd better be going. Bye everyone.

  [Leaves without kissing Alice] 

  Alice Tinker : [Starting to cry]  Oh my God. I knew this was going to happen. He doesn't love me anymore. He's sucked out all my juice... and discarded me like an empty carton of Ribena!

  Geraldine : No, poppet - it's not like that at all. The truth is that he's... he's sprained his tongue. And the doctor says he's got to give it complete rest for a few days.

  Alice Tinker : Oh, that's alright then. I...

  Geraldine : Yes, so you keep away from him, Miss Lusty Lips!

  Alice Tinker : [Cheering up]  I'll try. Oh, let's have some tea!