- [first lines]
- Bailey Quarters: [as Bailey and Les stare out the window in deep contemplation] Funny, looking at all these people. Have you ever wondered what makes someone what they are?
- Les Nessman: Have you ever wondered why Russian women look like men?
- Bailey Quarters: I hadn't noticed.
- Les Nessman: I think they kidnap men from all over the world, take them to Moscow and turn them into Russian women.
- Bailey Quarters: [giggling under her breath] Do you?
- Les Nessman: I think that's what happened to Jimmy Hoffa. By now, he's probably a grandmother in the Ukraine.
- [Andy sneaks up behind Bailey and Les, who are startled when he speaks]
- Andy Travis: Whadda you lookin' at?
- Bailey Quarters: Ah, there's a man in the building over there on the sixteenth floor who's exercising in the nude again.
- Andy Travis: [coughing] Seen Venus?
- Bailey Quarters: Nude?
- Andy Travis: No, just around.
- Les Nessman: I think he's in the bullpen arguing with Herb.
- Bailey Quarters: Or else he's in Russia being turned into a ballerina.
- Andy Travis: I'll check the bullpen first.
- Venus Flytrap: You know what bugs me about Herb?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [sarcastically] Ha ha, ha ha. Is this a test?
- Venus Flytrap: Sometimes he says stuff that seems like it makes sense, and then I realize that it's Herb that's sayin' it.
- [Mr. Carlson, Herb and Jennifer are in the reception area when Andy enters]
- Andy Travis: [to Mr. Carlson] Did you want to see me?
- Arthur Carlson: Yes, as a matter of fact I did. I want you to impress upon Herb how important it is that he sign new clients.
- Andy Travis: [turns to Herb in confusion, then turns back to Mr. Carlson] OK, why don't you tell him yourself?
- Arthur Carlson: Well, I can do that now because Herb's here, but he wasn't here when I sent for you. I was going to tell you to tell him, then I left, and of course when I got back Herb was here, but I couldn't tell him because you said you sent for me, and then I answered you, so there you go.
- Andy Travis: So now what?
- Arthur Carlson: Well, I don't know.
- [Venus enters the room]
- Venus Flytrap: What's going on?
- Andy Travis: Ah, Mr. Carlson was just explaining nuclear physics to us.
- [Venus has just met the reporter for the militant Black Life magazine, Rick Jesperson, who will be interviewing him and who happens to be white]
- Rick Jesperson: I've really been looking forward to this.
- Venus Flytrap: Me too.
- Rick Jesperson: Thanks.
- Venus Flytrap: I tell you, though, you kind of threw me there.
- Rick Jesperson: I'm sorry.
- Venus Flytrap: I didn't know you'd be white.
- Rick Jesperson: I thought this was a black station.
- Venus Flytrap: It's a white station.
- Rick Jesperson: I'm white. My magazine's black.
- Venus Flytrap: I'm black.
- Rick Jesperson: We're an equal opportunity employer.
- Venus Flytrap: Same here.
- Rick Jesperson: We're pretty militant about it too.
- Venus Flytrap: Me too.
- Rick Jesperson: Well good. Let's talk.
- Venus Flytrap: 'bout what?
- Rick Jesperson: How about race?
- Venus Flytrap: I don't think that much about it.
- Rick Jesperson: Me neither.
- Venus Flytrap: Have a seat.
- Rick Jesperson: Thank you.
- Herb Tarlek: Jennifer...
- Jennifer Marlowe: [startled] How long have you been behind me?
- Herb Tarlek: All my life.
- Les Nessman: [on the air] And finally, this reporter joins the world press in congratulating the Royal couple on the upcoming birth of their child. We'll be watching the dates very carefully.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [leans over desk] May I help you?
- Ted Jeffries: I'm Ted Jeffries, 555-4212. Call me, I mean it. I'm here to see Herb Tarlek.
- Herb Tarlek: [in his makeover suit, thanks to Jennifer] Hello, Ted. How finally nice to meet you face to face. Damn sporting of you to drop by like this.
- Ted Jeffries: Beautiful place you got here.
- [eyes on Jennifer the whole time]
- Herb Tarlek: Yes, indeed. Can we chat in here?
- [directs him to Mr. Carlson's office]
- Ted Jeffries: Yeah.
- [has eyes only for Jennifer as he walks towards office]
- Herb Tarlek: In a larger sense, aren't we all trying to pretend that we're something that we're not? In fact, isn't that what it is what makes us human?
- Venus Flytrap: Where did you get that speech?
- Herb Tarlek: Read it on a T-shirt.