- Andy Travis: You're paranoid.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Hey Travis...
- Andy Travis: What?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: ...when everybody is out to get you, paranoid is just good thinking.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: I let you stay at my place.
- Herb Tarlek: Yeah...?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: And... and you said if, uh, you could ever return the favor... you would.
- Herb Tarlek: I was lying.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Aren't you ashamed having the ethics of a fungus?
- Herb Tarlek: Nope.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Herb, I'm desperate. I need a place to stay.
- Bailey Quarters: [passing by] Oh? Oh, you can stay at my place.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Really?
- Bailey Quarters: Sure.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Bailey, you saved my life! Bless your heart!
- Bailey Quarters: Well, it's a messy business, but...
- [searches in her handbag]
- Bailey Quarters: somebody's gotta do it. Here's my key.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Are you serious?
- Bailey Quarters: Mm-hmm.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Okay, this is great! I'm gonna go get my stuff, and I'll see you when you get home. And listen, Bailey, don't worry, I can be very good.
- Bailey Quarters: I'm looking forward to it.
- [he hurries off]
- Les Nessman: Where are you going?
- Bailey Quarters: What?
- Les Nessman: I didn't know you were going out of town.
- Bailey Quarters: I'm not.
- Les Nessman: What?
- Bailey Quarters: What what?
- Herb Tarlek: Well...?
- Bailey Quarters: Well what?
- Herb Tarlek: You're a woman, he's a man.
- Bailey Quarters: Don't be an animal, Herb.
- Herb Tarlek: I call 'em as I see 'em.
- Bailey Quarters: You know what? I can't believe you guys!
- Les Nessman: Well, I'm shocked!
- Bailey Quarters: I'm amazed.
- Herb Tarlek: I'm stunned.
- Arthur Carlson: Well, I guess everything's normal here.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [about the reception area redecoration] Visitors will be very impressed until they talk to someone.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [to Herb and Les] Good morning, gentlemen.
- Les Nessman: Morning.
- Herb Tarlek: Hi ya, gorgeous. Anything going on?
- Jennifer Marlowe: There is that problem in the Middle East.
- Herb Tarlek: Yeah.
- [shakes his head]
- Bailey Quarters: [entering lobby] Good morning.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?
- Bailey Quarters: Not really. Late night.
- Herb Tarlek: I'll bet that's right.
- Bailey Quarters: Continuity is so important.
- [shakes her head]
- Bailey Quarters: Thank you for always being a jerk.
- Herb Tarlek: Don't get so upset. You're the talk of the town, sweetheart.
- [leaves]
- Herb Tarlek: Come on, Les.
- Les Nessman: Buzz off, Herb.
- [stays]
- Jennifer Marlowe: [to Bailey] So how's everything?
- Bailey Quarters: Pretty good.
- Jennifer Marlowe: That's good.
- Bailey Quarters: Mm-hmm.
- Jennifer Marlowe: So everything's going great?
- Bailey Quarters: Great.
- Jennifer Marlowe: That's great.
- Bailey Quarters: Mm-hmm.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Good.
- Bailey Quarters: Real good.
- Jennifer Marlowe: So how's Johnny?
- Bailey Quarters: Weird.
- Les Nessman: Oh, golly!
- [storms out in disgust]
- Jennifer Marlowe: [smiles] That's interesting. How weird?
- Bailey Quarters: You too? Jennifer, what is going on with everybody around here?
- [as Mr. Carlson enters:]
- Bailey Quarters: What exactly is this?
- Arthur Carlson: It's a radio station.
- Bailey Quarters: Mr. Carlson, I can promise you, I am doing nothing wrong.
- Arthur Carlson: Oh, that's good, Bailey.
- [stammers:]
- Arthur Carlson: Thanks for telling me that.
- Bailey Quarters: If that's what they think is going on, if they want to indulge in their petty little rumors, just let them. Let's give them their money's worth!
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Excuse the drool here, Bailey, I'm with you, I really am.
- Bailey Quarters: Tomorrow at the office...
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Uh-huh?
- Bailey Quarters: ...I'll tell them that something really did go on here tonight.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Good, that's very good. Why, why be punished for something that we haven't even done yet?
- [chuckles]
- Bailey Quarters: Let's give them exactly what they want.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [eagerly] What?
- Bailey Quarters: I'm gonna do it too.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Me too.
- [chuckles]
- Bailey Quarters: Goodnight.
- [goes off, leaving him standing there]
- Herb Tarlek: Bailey!
- [normally sedate Bailey is wearing denim jeans and rock & roll T-shirt, hair wild and free]
- Herb Tarlek: What...? You're supposed to be doing the business... well, business interviews today!
- Bailey Quarters: I know.
- Herb Tarlek: [scoffs] But these are my clients you're supposed to be interviewing today. What are you doing dressed like that for?
- Bailey Quarters: Like what?
- Herb Tarlek: [scoffs as he looks at her clothes] Fever's T-shirt.
- Bailey Quarters: Oh, I don't know.
- [plays with his tie]
- Bailey Quarters: I just grabbed the first thing that I could when I got out of bed this morning. I was naked, Herb.
- [which leaves him all flustered]
- Bailey Quarters: And this was on the bed, so I put it on.
- [smirks, then walks towards the others, pretending to be all corrupted innocence:]
- Bailey Quarters: You have to have something to keep you warm. Hi, Les.
- [winks at him, clicks her tongue, he looks sour, disapproving]
- Bailey Quarters: If you know what I mean.
- [walks out]
- Arthur Carlson: [to Jennifer] Do you know what she means?
- Jennifer Marlowe: Yes, I do, Mr. Carlson, and it's very personal. It has to do with rumors and romance, and, I'm sorry, sex.
- [ushers him away]
- Jennifer Marlowe: Now let's go into your office.
- Andy Travis: [in his office] Hey, John, what are you doing here?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: I think you know.
- Andy Travis: No, I don't.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: I'm sure you do. Okay? And it better stop.
- Andy Travis: What?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: All these rumors about Bailey, pal. Don't think she hasn't heard them. I mean, she is a very nice person, man. She's like a little flower, you know. She generously offers her hospitality to someone, and suddenly, she's a brazen hussy.
- Andy Travis: Look, no one ever called her that.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: That's not the point. The point is, she's been hurt, and why?
- Bailey Quarters: [entering, on the warpath] That's it, Andy! I was mad before, really mad. But I just heard that the only reason you gave me Herb's business show is because Les wouldn't do it.
- [hands on her hips]
- Bailey Quarters: Is that true?
- Andy Travis: Uh, well, yeah.
- Bailey Quarters: Well, thank you very much, because I'm gonna go ahead and do it.
- [voice breaking:]
- Bailey Quarters: I'll show you guys.
- [walks out, encounters Mr. Carlson]
- Arthur Carlson: [under mistaken impression as always] Ah, Bailey! Jennifer just told me about your situation. Gee, I feel badly about it.
- Bailey Quarters: Uh, thank you, Mr. Carlson.
- Arthur Carlson: No, it's unfair.
- Bailey Quarters: Oh, it's all right. Because I like doing what I do.
- [Mr. Carlson is speechless]
- Bailey Quarters: I get off on it. Les wouldn't do it, but if Les won't do it, I'll do it, right, John?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Right. She likes it.
- Arthur Carlson: [glowers at Johnny] You swine.
- Bailey Quarters: No, it's fun. I don't have to tell you that, Mr. Carlson.
- [chuckles]
- Arthur Carlson: Oh, well... No. It's fun. Yes, I...
- Bailey Quarters: I live for the opportunity. Thank you.
- [leaves]