- Drew Carey: [after "Weird Newscasters"] A thousand points to each of you, and, uh, y'know, also, the same time we're on, "Diagnosis Murder" is on CBS. A lot of old people watch that show, and apparently, there's hundreds of people every week who don't live long enough to find out who the murderer is. That's a true story. They all live in Seattle, Washington! A thousand points for that great kiss that Karen planted on Colin. It was great. And, uh...
- [audience cheers]
- Drew Carey: it wasn't as good as the kiss that Colin gave me on "The Drew Carey Show", but it was all right.
- Ryan Stiles: It was a lot easier to watch, I'll tell ya that.
- [Drew laughs]
- Wayne Brady: [in "Party Quirks", as "an episode of COPS in 30 seconds"] I'm a bad boy, bad boy, what am I gonna do?
- Colin Mochrie: [in "The Millionaire Show", the theme being gangsters] Answer these questions, you get a million dollars.
- Ryan Stiles: How do I get the million dollars? I want it in small bills.
- Colin Mochrie: You'll get it the way you get it, and you'll get it that way.
- [Ryan reacts as if slapped]
- Colin Mochrie: I didn't even do nothin'. All right, listen up, tall guy. Chaucer is, A: A playwright, B: A bad way to pronounce "saucer", C: A fruity drink, or D: The dirty squealer who's under the ocean with cement overshoes and. a...
- Ryan Stiles: Shut up about that! D doesn't count! I'm rulin' out D right now, it never existed!
- Wayne Brady: [in "The Millionaire Show", the topic being gangsters] Warden, I'm goin' straight. I'm not stealin' it, I'm winnin' it. I just need the answer. Is it A, C, C, or D?
- Wayne Brady: [off-screen, in Edward G. Robinson voice] Myah, might help if I knew the question, you stoodie doodie!
- Ryan Stiles: It's the capitol of Paraguay, warden! You're FROM there, for God's sake!
- Wayne Brady: It's P! P! The big P!
- Ryan Stiles: All righty, thanks.
- Wayne Brady: Myah!
- Colin Mochrie: That's one smart sheep.
- Wayne Brady: [in the scary wife "Hoedown"]
- [singing]
- Wayne Brady: Oh I got married, about a year ago. / I'm as happy as can be, I think you should know. / But my wife, I'm glad I did marry, / except in the mornin', she looks like Drew Carey.
- Drew Carey: [singing] Well Wayne gets worried about his little wife, / 'Cause she is the love of his life. / But every night, just about three,
- [looks at watch]
- Drew Carey: / Oh, Wayne, she's out with ME!
- Colin Mochrie: Welcome to the 6 o'clock news, I'm your anchor, Les Miserables.
- Karen Maruyama: Yes, you are, yes, you are!
- Colin Mochrie: Alright, our top story today: according to a recent scientific report, men think about sex every 6 seconds, and becau-
- [pause for about six seconds]
- Colin Mochrie: - Mike Wallace.