- Drew Carey: [in "Film, TV & Theater Styles"] Uh, "horror show." Horror movie.
- Ryan Stiles: You two aren't married?
- Colin Mochrie: No.
- Ryan Stiles: [to Kathy Greenwood] You whore.
- [Colin murmurs to Ryan over audience laughter]
- Ryan Stiles: You two are...
- [Ryan mouths "I'm sorry" to Kathy]
- Drew Carey: [buzzes them out] A thousand points to Ryan, for using the word
- [mouths "whore"]
- Drew Carey: on national TV.
- Colin Mochrie: [in "The Millionaire Show", the theme being Jerry Springer]
- [asking the first question]
- Colin Mochrie: If your mother divorces
- [makes air quotes]
- Colin Mochrie: "your father"... and marries your aunt's uncle's father's son, what relation...
- Ryan Stiles: [to audience] Hey hey hey, you don't know about me, shut up!
- [audience boos]
- Ryan Stiles: You don't know...
- [makes "come here" gesture to audience]
- Colin Mochrie: Okay, sit down!
- Ryan Stiles: They don't know nothin' about me!
- Colin Mochrie: Oh they don't WANNA know nothin' about you.
- Colin Mochrie: [in "The Millionaire Show", the theme being Jerry Springer] Here is your question. Your transvestite lover and you are invited to a black tie affair. Do you, A: Pass her off as your wife, B: Pass her off as your brother, C: Pass her off as your husband, D: Tell her to lose the chaps?
- Ryan Stiles: Wow. I don't know anything about vampires...
- Colin Mochrie: Transvestites.
- Ryan Stiles: Huh?
- Colin Mochrie: Not Transylvanians, ya moron! Transvestites!
- Ryan Stiles: [in "The Millionaire Show", the theme being Jerry Springer]
- [using his phone lifeline]
- Ryan Stiles: I wanna call the mother of my baby, my sister Alicia. You can get 'em, right?
- Colin Mochrie: Yeah, you don't have to phone her.
- Ryan Stiles: All right.
- Colin Mochrie: [to Kathy Greenwood] You there?
- Kathy Greenwood: [off-screen, to Ryan] Yeah, hey, I was just about to call you. My...
- Ryan Stiles: Hey, how are you, baby?
- Kathy Greenwood: My frilly underwear's missin' again.
- Ryan Stiles: Well I ain't wearin' it!
- Kathy Greenwood: Yeaaaaahh right, you ain't wearin' it. Whaddya want?
- Ryan Stiles: Is it A, B, C, er D?
- [pause]
- Ryan Stiles: I don't know where I got an accent from all of a sudden!
- [to Colin, whispering]
- Ryan Stiles: You know, sssh, when I talk to her, I talk with an accent.
- [touches Colin's right arm]
- Ryan Stiles: I don't want her to know where I'm from.
- Colin Mochrie: Don't ever touch me AGAIN!
- Ryan Stiles: Sorry.
- [to Kathy]
- Ryan Stiles: Hey baby, is it A, C, B, er D?
- Kathy Greenwood: I don't...
- Colin Mochrie: A, B, C, or D.
- Ryan Stiles: A, B, C, er D.
- Kathy Greenwood: I don't know which of them numbers it is. I'd say C.
- Ryan Stiles: Is that your favorite number?
- Kathy Greenwood: Yeah baby, C's my favorite number...
- Colin Mochrie: You know what? She's RIGHT HERE!
- [walks to the side of the stage and Kathy mimes hanging up the phone]
- Colin Mochrie: Come out!
- Ryan Stiles: Honey, if I get this question right, I win myself $100!
- [winks at Colin]
- Kathy Greenwood: All riiiiight!
- Colin Mochrie: And I've been sleeping with her, and she's two men!
- [Colin mimes punches Ryan, who falls to the floor]
- Colin Mochrie: Ya beep!
- [pretends to make out with Kathy]
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Hoedown", about Playboy photographers]
- [singing]
- Ryan Stiles: I'm takin' pictures of Drew, out by his pool. / He wants to be in the nude, I think that's kind of cool. / He's payin' me lots of money, all of it in tens, / After lookin' at him, I think I'll need a telephoto lens.