- Roy Biggins: How about you, Alex? If there's anything you need at home, I'd LOVE to come over and check it out!
- Alex Lambert: Roy, if you EVER set foot in my home, the only thing I'll need is an ALIBI!
- Investigator: Listen, I live in Paramus, I only listen to classical music, and my girlfriend's not a hooker!... She's a massage therapist!
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
- Helen Chapel: [Helen and Roy turn to stare at him] Excuse me?
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Alright, I didn't... But it sounds a lot more interesting than "I voted for Dukakis"!
- Antonio Scarpacci: [Roy offers him money not to reveal his name to the cable company] Oh, keep your money! Just let me come to your house tonight to watch the finals of "Buck Naked Line Dancing"!
- Pete: In fact, it was your picture that kept me alive during the war; one day we were under attack, and I took it out to look at it...
- Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: And looking at me picture was enough to inspire you and keep you safe during the battle?
- Pete: No, I dropped the picture, and when I bent over to pick it up...
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: A bullet that was meant for you whizzed over your head?
- Pete: No, when I bent over, I dropped my rifle and shot myself in the ass.