Caroline Dhavernas: Jaye Tyler

Quotes 

• Jaye : I didn't earn celebratory fondue!

• Aaron Tyler : What are you?

  Jaye : Huh?

  Aaron Tyler : Are you like Dr. Doolittle?

  Karen Tyler : Your blood sugar's low. Dip something.

  Aaron Tyler : It's not my blood sugar. There's something out there, and it's laughing at us.

  Sharon Tyler : [meaning Jaye]  Did she do this to you?

  Darrin Tyler : You really think that your sister's special lunch is the appropriate place for an existential crisis?

  Aaron Tyler : It's not an existential crisis.

  Karen Tyler : You're studying religion for God's sake. You're bound to have one sooner or later.

  Aaron Tyler : Not an existential crisis! Just the opposite. I was fine when existence had no meaning. Meaninglessness in a universe that had no meaning, that I get. But meaninglessness in a universe that has meaning... what does it mean?

  Jaye : It doesn't mean anything.

  Aaron Tyler : Did the cow creamer tell you that?

  Darrin Tyler : What has gotten into you?

  Karen Tyler : I'm throwing that creamer away the second we get home.

• Darrin Tyler : [Jaye brings Pat to family game night]  The shut-in is certainly bringing out Sharon's competitive streak.

  Fat Pat : You guys are going down.

  Karen Tyler : I think it's time for him to leave.

  Darrin Tyler : Uh-huh.

  Aaron Tyler : [seeing Jaye glance at the cow cream dispenser]  I saw that.

  Darrin Tyler : Saw what?

  Aaron Tyler : She was talking to the cow creamer.

  Jaye : No, I... I really wasn't.

  Darrin Tyler : Don't tease your brother.

  Aaron Tyler : What did the cow tell you to do?

• Jaye : [Pat is in the hospital]  You're dehydrated. You lost a lot of weight... in an unusual fashion.

  Fat Pat : Something get amputated?

  Marianne Marie Beattle : I guess I should have warned you about my muffins. They're fat-free.

  [flashback to her cooking] 

  Fat Pat : I overdosed on a noncaloric fat replacer?

  Jaye : Uh-huh. You tried to make yourself fat again, but ended up reaching your goal weight.

  Fat Pat : How much did I lose?

  Marianne Marie Beattle : 13 pounds. That stuff really moves business through.

  Fat Pat : That's one pound over my goal weight.

  Jaye : Congratulations.

  Marianne Marie Beattle : I would like to make a business proposal. I had some time to organize my thoughts while you were in your coma.

  [taking index cards out of her purse and flipping through them as she reads] 

  Marianne Marie Beattle : "After considering the accelerated manner in which you achieved your dieting goals... it has occurred to me that you have more to offer the American consumer than meets the eye. As someone who has experienced the nutritional benefits of Muffin Buffalo firsthand, you would make an ideal spokesperson. If you decided to join me in this venture, your name could become synonymous with healthy snack food."

  Fat Pat : You want me? I... I don't know what to say. I'd be honored. Thank you.

  Marianne Marie Beattle : Don't thank me.

  Jaye : Well, you're not thanking me.

  Marianne Marie Beattle : Yes, I am. I am thanking you. I've been ruminating on events.

  Jaye : I didn't do anything!

  Marianne Marie Beattle : Those disability checks you stole? More money than I've saved in my entire life.

  Jaye : Stop.

  Fat Pat : If you hadn't...

  Jaye : Stop! Stop thanking me!

  [storming out] 

  Jaye : What is it with you people? God!

  Marianne Marie Beattle : Good Lord, woman. There's such a thing as grace.

• Darrin Tyler : [Jaye is named Employee of the Month]  We are so proud.

  Sharon Tyler : And shocked.

  Karen Tyler : With pride.

  Jaye : I don't deserve this.

  Karen Tyler : She's never been comfortable with praise.

  Sharon Tyler : They gave me the same balloon bouquet when I made partner.

  Jaye : I was just rude to a customer. I can't be employee of the month.

  Alec : You don't have a choice. Peggy said I can't get it anymore now that I'm management. The honor comes with a certificate and a parking space on the first level of the structure.

  Jaye : I park on the street.

  Alec : And the afternoon off.

  Jaye : I humbly accept.

• Jaye : See anything?

  Aaron Tyler : No. Wait. No. This trailer park is void of activity. Shouldn't you people be having hoedowns or shooting beer cans or something?

  Jaye : Stop wasting film. We have a mythical beast to document.

  Aaron Tyler : [she tries to wrest the camera away]  Mine!

  Jaye : You're gonna break it.

  Aaron Tyler : What do you care? You stole it from work.

  Jaye : It was in the lost and found bin. It's a victimless crime.

• Jaye : [spying on a neighbor in her trailer park]  He's such a tease. I haven't seen so much as a flip-flop in a year.

  Aaron Tyler : You don't feel at all like you're exploiting this guy?

  Jaye : Uh-uh. What's the point of living in a trailer park if you can't take in the local color? And by that, I mean spy on the freaks.

  Aaron Tyler : We're all spying on freaks tonight. Talk to any cow creamers recently?

  Jaye : Not recently. No. You think maybe he got so fat, he can't get out?

  Aaron Tyler : His door is very narrow.

  Jaye : He only opens it for food. It's pizza night, so he'll have to open it wide enough to get that box in.

  Aaron Tyler : If your portly chupacabra doesn't emerge soon, I'll be forced to go home and work on my dissertation.

  Jaye : I don't call him that anymore. He might be of Mexican descent. I don't wanna seem insensitive.

  Aaron Tyler : What do you call him?

  Jaye : Fat Pat. It was Fatsquatch, but... so, do Mom and Dad think you're over here studying Jesus and Zeus and Buddha and all the rest?

  Aaron Tyler : Uh-huh. So, do Mom and Dad know you talk to things that don't talk?

  Jaye : It is impressive how long you've managed to fleece them from your ivory tower of academia.

  Aaron Tyler : I'm not fleecing. I'm working really hard on my education. Just not right now.