Yes Minister (TV Series)
The Moral Dimension (1982)
Derek Fowlds: Bernard Woolley
Photos
Quotes
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James Hacker : Bernard, any messages?
Bernard Woolley : Well, there is one for Sir Humphrey.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Oh, good.
Bernard Woolley : The Soviet Embassy on the line. Mr Smirnoff.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Sorry. So sorry.
James Hacker : Isn't there one for me?
Bernard Woolley : There was a message from the Embassy, the school - a delegation of Teachers.
James Hacker : Ah, I must go and greet the Teachers... before the Bells goes... bell goes!
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Bernard Woolley : Minister, can I have a private word with Sir Humphrey?
James Hacker : You may speak freely, Bernie.
Bernard Woolley : Yes... Oh, there was a message for you in the communications room. The VAT man, your 69 returns.
James Hacker : What?
Bernard Woolley : VAT 69.
James Hacker : Oh. Ah! Yes... thanks.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that the minister has had almost as many urgent messages as he can take.
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Sir Humphrey Appleby : [Bernard has a problem] Tell me about it.
Bernard Woolley : Well, you know that jar the Minister was given in Qumran? Well, the Minister's wife liked it.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : I expect she did.
Bernard Woolley : Then when I explained the rules to her, she looked terribly sad.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : They always do.
Bernard Woolley : And then she asked was it really worth more than £50 and she said wouldn't it be marvellous if it wasn't and she sort of... looked at me.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : But my dear Bernard, a 17th century vase...
Bernard Woolley : Yes, I know, I know. But there was this terribly nice Qumrany businessman and we had a... a... a conversation and he valued it as a copy, not as an original. £49.95.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : And you believed him?
Bernard Woolley : Well, yes, he said he was an expert and he spoke Arabic awfully well. And so I accepted his valuation in good faith. After all, Islam is a jolly good faith.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Bernard, you took a grave personal risk. You're lucky nobody's been asking any questions.
Bernard Woolley : Well, that's just it, you see, a journalist from the Guardian saw it in the Minister's house and started to ask a lot of questions. Of course, Mrs Hacker said it was a copy, but, well the Press are so... horribly suspicious of things.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Despicable.
Bernard Woolley : So what shall I do?
Sir Humphrey Appleby : The Minister must be told.
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[last lines]
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Superb, Minister!
Bernard Woolley : Thank you, Minister.
James Hacker : Ah well, it was nothing. One must stick by one's friends, eh, Humphrey. And Bernard. Loyalty.
Sir Humphrey Appleby , Bernard Woolley : Yes, Minister.
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Bernard Woolley : [Around at the Hackers' flat] Oh, there's that jar from Qumran.
Annie Hacker : Yes, funny enough, a friend of mine was round this afternoon and was frightfully interested in it.
Bernard Woolley : Oh, really?
Annie Hacker : Her name's Jenny Goodwin, from "The Guardian".
Bernard Woolley : The Guardian?
Annie Hacker : She asked where it came from.
Bernard Woolley : A journalist?
Annie Hacker : Yes. Well, the Guardian, anyway. She asked what it was worth. I said about £50.
Bernard Woolley : You said about £50.
Annie Hacker : Yes, funny enough, she thought it was genuine.
Bernard Woolley : She thought it was genuine.
Annie Hacker : Yes. Bernard, you sound like an answering machine.
Bernard Woolley : Oh, I'm sorry.
Annie Hacker : She asked if I mind if she rang up the Qumrany Embassy to ask what it was worth.
Bernard Woolley : To ask what it was worth.
[Annie gives him a strange look]
Bernard Woolley : Oh, ah, so what did you say?
Annie Hacker : Oh, I said by all means. It is only a copy, isn't it, Bernard?
Bernard Woolley : Well, uh, so far as I'm... so I'm... lead to...
[glances at his watch]
Bernard Woolley : Good gracious, is that the time?
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Bernard Woolley : Minister, there's an urgent call for you in the communications room. A Mr Haig.
James Hacker : General Haig?
Bernard Woolley : No, MR Haig. You know, with the dimples.
James Hacker : Yes, yes. Do excuse me. Most important.
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James Hacker : Bernard. Wanted in the communications room. A Mr John Walker.
Bernard Woolley : Johnnie Walker?
James Hacker : Yes, from the Scotch Office... Sorry. Scottish Office.
Annie Hacker : Isn't there a message for me?
James Hacker : Yes, of course. Bernard will get it for you if you give him your glass. If you... give him your glass, he'll get you some more orange juice.