- Right Bleeding Bastard: Where's your licence?
- Mike: As the eunuch said to Mussolini, 'I haven't got one, and if I did, I wouldn't show it to you!'
- Mike: Neil, aren't you going to introduce me to your new friend?
- Right Bleeding Bastard: Bastard's the name. But you can call me Right Bleeding, all my friends do- or well, *did*.
- Mike: Why, what happened?
- Right Bleeding Bastard: I killed him.
- Neil: I won't say anything because no one ever listens to me anyway. I might as well be a Leonard Cohen record.
- Mike TheCoolPerson: Twenty-seven minutes and thirty-two seconds in the bathroom and Mike looks fantastic. Unlike the kitchen! Neil, what's this mess?
- Neil Pye: Well, it's mostly lentils, but there's some crockery mixed in.
- Right Bleeding Bastard: Right, where's this telly. Ah-hah! So you do have it! You little runt! The old trick, eh? Eat the telly before I get a chance to nick you!
- Vyvyan Basterd: It's a toaster.
- Right Bleeding Bastard: It's a telly you yobbo. Give it back I want to Nick ya!
- Rick: Absolutely pathetic! There's nothing on at all! Humph! Don't know why we bother to pay our licence!
- Mike TheCoolPerson: We don't.
- Rick: But haven't we got a licence?
- Mike TheCoolPerson: No.
- Rick: But that makes me a criminal! Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me a president! 'People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licences Against the Nazis!' This is only the beginning!
- Vyvyan Basterd: What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?
- Rick: Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan. It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
- Vyvyan Basterd: Not if you haven't got a bottom!
- Rick: [dramatically reciting poetry into the mirror] Pollution! All around! Sometimes... up
- [raises his eyes]
- Rick: , sometimes... down
- [lowers eyes]
- Rick: , but always... around
- [swivels eyes]
- Rick: . Pollution, are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours! Hah! We're on different buses, Pollution. But we're both using petrol. BOMBS!
- Mike: Rick, a social conscience is like a garden shed: you try and eat it, it'll stick in your throat.
- Rick: I notice you haven't written the call down in the book, Mike. That's very interesting, isn't it? I mean, we've got this book here to write down all the calls we make in. I suppose you forgot, did you? Well, I wonder how many other times you conveniently forgot?
- Mike: Rick, what are you talking about? This is a pay phone.