Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)
'Manos' the Hands of Fate (1993)
Trace Beaulieu: Crow T. Robot, Dr. Clayton Forrester
Quotes
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Crow T. Robot : [Torgo has left the family's bags into the house] I LeFt a piEce of cHeWed GuM on yoUr pilLoW.
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[shot of a burning torch]
Crow T. Robot : I'm Tom Bodett, and we'll leave a pyre on for ya.
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[Torgo peeps in at Margaret as she undresses]
Joel : [to the 'bots] Oh, listen, you guys. That's it. This is not for your eyes. I don't care. Uh-uh.
Tom Servo : [excitedly as Joel covers his and Crow's eyes] What is it? What is it? What's going on, Joel?
Joel : Shame on you, Dr. Forrester. Have you no sense of decency?
Crow T. Robot : What? What? Is Torgo juggling?
Tom Servo : Joel, we can handle THIS.
Crow T. Robot : Ho-ho, it's the latest episode of the Taster's Choice saga.
Joel : Showers, anyone?
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TV's Frank : Uh, guys, uh, I know this is not normal procedure for me to do this, but, uh...
Dr. Forrester : [off-screen] Frank, I'm out of the shower! I need you to towel me off!
TV's Frank : Uh, coming, sir!
TV's Frank : [hushed voice] Uh, I just wanted to say how really sorry I am about "Manos: the Hands of Fate." I mean, I know it's our job to send you really bad movies, but this time, even I have to admit, we really went too far. I'm really sorry.
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Dr. Forrester : Frank, where is our pizza? It's been two hours since you ordered.
TV's Frank : Well, I called Togo's Pizza. They were busy, so I ended up having to order from Torgo's Pizza.
Dr. Forrester : Come in.
Torgo : [Torgo enters, the music from 'Manos: The Hands of Fate' in the background] LaRgE SaUsAgE AnD MuShRoOm... ThIn CrUsT?
TV's Frank : That's us.
Torgo : ThE ToTaL Is $14.50, pLeaSe.
Dr. Forrester : Here!
Torgo : Do... YoU HaVe AnYtHiNg SmAlLeR? I OnLy CaRrY TwEnTy DoLlArS In ChAnGe.
Dr. Forrester : That's all I have.
TV's Frank : I have a twenty.
Dr. Forrester : Well, why didn't you give him the twenty?
TV's Frank : I was... I was saving it, you know...
Dr. Forrester : Would you please give him the twenty?
Torgo : WeLl, ThAnK YoU. I'lL... GeT YoUr... ChAnGe.
Dr. Forrester : Oh, keep it!
Torgo : ThAnK YoU VeRy MuCh, SiR. LeT Me... JuSt GeT YoUr CoMpLiMeNtArY CrAzY BrEaD.
Dr. Forrester , TV's Frank : NO! No, no, no, that's okay! That's quite all right.
TV's Frank : Hey, what about our pop?
Torgo : I LeFt It In ThE... CaR. I'lL Be RiGhT BaCk.
Dr. Forrester , TV's Frank : Oh.
Dr. Forrester : Until next time, Joel. Push the Button, Frank.
TV's Frank : Say, you know, it's been two hours, but it's still pretty warm.
Torgo : [as Frank and Forrester spit up their pizza] ThEy AlWaYs Do ThAt.
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[Frank is dressed as an executioner]
Dr. Forrester : Oh, Joel. A hearty hello to you and yours. Let me just say this about today's invention exchange - let them eat... chocolate.
TV's Frank : That's right J...
TV's Frank : [finds the mouth opening in his hood] That's right, Joel. Our invention this week is based on one's natural inclination to bite the heads off of chocolate bunnies.
Dr. Forrester : That's right, Frank.
Dr. Forrester : [steps aside to reveal guillotine] That's why we've invented the chocolate bunny guillotine. Eliminate the guess work in biting the heads off bunnies. Heh-heh-heh-heh. Ready, Mr. Executioner?
TV's Frank : Yes, my liege.
Dr. Forrester : [producing a scroll] You have stolen painted eggs in a time of famine. Uh, off with their head Frank.
[Frank cuts the string]
Dr. Forrester : And no chocolate mess. Well, poopsies?
Tom Servo : [crying] What about the pardon from Fanny Farmer?
Crow T. Robot : Yeah. His only crime was being born delicious!
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Crow T. Robot : [as the demon dog,who stares at the camera] Can... can you hold that one card up? What's it say? Oh, yeah - 'Arf.
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[Watching Torgo walk over to the car]
Joel : Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo.
Crow T. Robot : Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo?
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[as the toga-wearing women wrestle in the desert in 'Manos: the Hands of Fate'...]
Joel : Next, on ESPN - Full-Contact Nightgown Wrestling.
Crow T. Robot : Designing Women: The Lost Episodes.
Tom Servo : And now the Manos Women's Guide will reenact the Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Joel : You know, this was the alternate ending to Beaches.
Crow T. Robot : I see London, I see France, I see everybody's underpants! Ha-ha.
Tom Servo : You know, this isn't Lysistrata. I LIKE it, but it isn't Lysistrata.
Joel : You know, after this, they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each other's ears.
Crow T. Robot : Yep. Yep. It's the Wilson Phillips break up.
Tom Servo : Kind of wish this was shirts versus skins.
Joel : Heeey!
Crow T. Robot : Heh-heh-heh. Oh...
Tom Servo : Hoo-hoo, zing!
Joel : [sings] Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.
Crow T. Robot : [as the women continue wrestling] You know what this movie really needs?
Tom Servo : What's that?
Crow T. Robot : It's Mark Singer.
Joel : Oh, yeah.
Tom Servo : I'm guessin' THIS is the whole reason this movie was made, right here.
Joel : Pow! Boff! Smack!
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Crow T. Robot : [when Torgo appears one bit of music keeps playing over and over] Ahh, yes, the haunting Torgo theme.
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[a child comes home leading a devil dog]
Crow T. Robot : It's a devil and it's fun!
Tom Servo : His name's Mephisto, can we keep him?
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Joel : Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, uh, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here.
[Crow pops up on a leash]
Joel : It's pretty scary.
Tom Servo : Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast.
Crow T. Robot : Oh, you mean Estelle Getty?
Joel : But, Tom, look!
Tom Servo : C'mon, Joel! The cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor.
Joel : Oh, c'mon. Look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel...
Crow T. Robot : Uh, Joel, uh, Tom's right. Um, um... It's just not working. You're not the evil type.
Joel : W-what do you mean?
Crow T. Robot : Well, for one thing, your... your face is too friendly; uh, second, your eyebrows, they arc softly as opposed to jutting inward; and, well, frankly, Joel, you... blush in the most adorable way.
Joel : This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling.
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Crow T. Robot : I wish those hands would just push him over.
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Dr. Forrester : Dig this, mes amis. Your "average" Joe has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average" person on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average." I give to you "Manos: the Hands of Fate," served with a short, the stirring conclusion to "Hired!"
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Dr. Forrester : Uh, hi, fellas. Look, I, uh, I-I just wanted to let you know, I know this movie's a tough one, and I just wanted to let you know I feel for ya. I...
TV's Frank : [off-screen] Doctor? Caramel corn's ready. Do you want it in your Little Mermaid bowl?
Dr. Forrester : Uh, fine, sure.
Dr. Forrester : Now, you realize if you tell Frank I've done this, I'll have to kill him, so let's not, okay? 'Nuff said? All righty? Buh-bye.
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Master's wife : Your power failed you.
Crow T. Robot : You know what she's REALLY saying.
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Margaret : [singing] Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream...
Debbie , Tom Servo , Michael : [as Margaret sings "Merrily, merrily"...] Row, row, row your boat...
Tom Servo : Come on, sing, sing, sing, damn it, sing!
Margaret , Debbie , Tom Servo , Michael , Joel , Crow T. Robot : [MST3K gang joining in] Row, row, row your boat...
Tom Servo : [maniacally] That's it, sing, "Down the Stream," yes!
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Crow T. Robot : [as Debbie, on the dog] His heartbeat's irregular!
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Mr. Warren : I remember one of the first things that Harry drilled into me...
Crow T. Robot : Was Harry.
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Crow T. Robot : [as scenes of farmland go by] I'm sure they dissolve to the same scene.
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Crow T. Robot : [as the flute music continues] Look, can we drop off Tim Weisberg, now?
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Crow T. Robot : Joel, this is gonna turn into a snuff film.
Joel : Oh, the mads wouldn't do this. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee it.
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Margaret : "Wants" me? What kind of talk is that?
Crow T. Robot : Why, it's oily, sleazy talk.
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Crow T. Robot : [on Torgo] He's got Earl Campbell thighs.
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The Master : Arise my wives...
Crow T. Robot : And iron my work shirt!
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[the Master leans over and touches a stone]
Crow T. Robot : EHHH! Uh, Stephanie, bring me some coffee and a pop tart.
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The Master : You have failed and you must die!
Joel : [as Torgo] You can't kill me, I quit!
[the Master advances]
Tom Servo : [as Torgo] I'm... going to have to ask for my last paycheck right now, Sir
[the Master's advance continues]
Crow T. Robot : [as Torgo] What? What? Neh. Uh. N-n-n-n.
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Crow T. Robot : [to Joel] You see this butt? Well, kick this butt.
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Crow T. Robot : [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way.
Joel : Hey, let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful,' huh?
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Crow T. Robot : You led me on, you gave me mixed signals.
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Joel , Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : [in unison] Ziggy has Garfield neutered? Now that's funny!
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Crow T. Robot : Goodnight. Stay pink, soft and oily.
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Crow T. Robot : In summary... "Manos: The Hands of Fate."
Joel : Manos, the Hands of Fate. Manos.
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Crow T. Robot : [noting on the all day/all night patrolmen] These guys have the longest shift.
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Margaret : [to Torgo, who's just caressed her] Get away from me, you... beast!
Crow T. Robot : [as Torgo] I'm just as God made me, ma'am.
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Gypsy : Lookee like we got us some Yankee troublemakers. I'm gonna have to bring you in.
Crow T. Robot : Uh, aren't you gonna read us our rights?
Gypsy : He wants me to read him his rights!
Crow T. Robot : Hey, listen man, we don't have to take any... Cambot! you were supposed to stop the footage on the blue screen when Gypsy pulled us over!
